March Madness indeed: Calipari, Curry and Shirley Mclaine.

Let's imagine the world was "right" in my mind. Calipari and Memphis win the NCAA championship game by beating UNC. Davidson's sweety clutch shooter-Stephan Curry would have been the one to take the 3-point shot in the final seconds of the Kansas-Davidson game tonight to put them in the final four, and Shirely Mclain (along with Angie Jolie and MK) would have been picked up by aliens during Larry King Live, allaying the alien naysayers and I would be living in a state of pure contentment and calm bliss.

Ahhh....oh well. Let's talk readers. First thing I need to say is "YEAH MEMPHIS!" Don't get me wrong, I love a good longhorn, but last time Coach John Calipari ( from the Pittsburgh area) made it to the final four as a head coach it was 1996. We were foolishly bouncing around to "Macarena", softly singing to Alanis Morrisette's "Ironic" and stomping around to "No Diggity". It was Atlanta, I was there, and Calipari was 37. Wow? (for reference Stephan Curry was 8.) I was talking to a friend of mine who played for UMASS that year, and when I told him I had Memphis in the final game, his reply was: "You might be the only one."

Sad really...Most people just see a team full of talent lead by a coach infamous for recruiting impeccable athletes only to stay on for a year or two and draft off to the NBA. All judgements from people outside the scope of his courts and training rooms aside, why were people doubting a team going into the elite 8 with a 35-1 record? History was made, this is the first time all 4 final four teams are number 1 seeds. (sardonic index-finger twirl with accompanying "whoopee.")I could ramble on about how UT tried the 2-3 zone and Calipari readjusted, how I wanted to throw a clipboard at Rick Barnes for pushing the hack-a-shaq to the final 20 seconds facing an unsurmountable lead... but chances are, you don't care. I don't get it. So lets talk about DAVIDSON!

1. Stephan Curry's mother is hot. (Sonya Curry, former volleyball player at Virginia Tech.)

2. Stephan Curry makes even the most apathetic basketball watchers get interested. He has heart, talent and incredible patience.

3. Did anyone else say: "Sasha-Kahn, Sasha-Kahn, Sa-sa-sa-ha Kahn"? ( every time Sasha Khan came on screen) Just me?

And lastly, what the hoo-hoo is Shirely Mclain talking about? I love her, I actually BELIEVE her. Either those pictures are spectacular uses of video editing, photo shop and CGI or some government has some pretty spunky technology we don't know about. I want to see Anderson Cooper and Erica talk about aliens. Coops could make a joke, Erica will giggle and wiggle and the world as I know it, could be set right again.

I am the queen of non-linear blogs and ill-matched material. I am fully accountable and unapologetic. It's me. I don't claim to be anything more than mildly entertaining on a good day. So,get out there Monday morning and use your wittiest verbs (manhandled, obliterated..etc), most cliched adjectives(work-horse,cream-machine), and best analogies to describe the likes of Derick Rose, Stephan Curry and....(wait for it)...

Sasha-Kahn. Sasha-Kahn. Sa-Sa-Sasha Kahn. No diggity. No doubt...

Get creative for Earth Hour - 3.29.08 - 8:00pm

I was thinking there are all kinds of funny things I could throw out there..hippie references, obnoxious misuses of generators, or battery operated tools, but instead I give you these mildy amusing, yet charmingly childish ideas:

1.) Play "light as a feather, stiff as a board" then Quija board until someone cries!!!

2.) Crank call everyone you haven't talked to ( but still have phone #'s for) in the last 5 yrs.

3.) Text your siblings one long, lengthy, never-ending message about yourself for an hour.

4.) Play "guess what I'm writing-back-tickle" (trick) game.

5.) Stand at the window and practice Morris code with a flash light to people going by.

6.) Naked yoga. On the front lawn (or stoop). Write: "REAL light comes from within" on your chest.

7.) Sing "Alice the camel had 10 humps" or "999 bottles of beer" or the Freddie Kruger song.

8.) Go to some one's house who is NOT observing Earth hour and play Rock band.

9.) Play "just the tip" game in the dark with random friends and warm butter.

10.) Go get in your SUV and play "Love Train" as loud as you can before the cops come.

Eh. Not too shabby. Make it work, be good. Be safe. Be Earthy. I am.

Signs "Spring" should have been delayed a few weeks in order to manage our expectations:

I have no plausible reason why, but I am really not freaking out about the lack of Spring in Chicago. Maybe I have given up hope for warm days, and figure I will enjoy it when they come, but dreading snow and cold doesn't get me closer.(That's surprisingly rational for me..) Maybe its because I am having monkey sex every day (ha, I'm not, who? with whom? help.See how lies get so convoluted?) Maybe simply knowing this is the 7th inning stretch of winter leading us to "THE YEAR OF THE CUBBIES". (shameful baseball reference)...sorry. Wow. Three sets of parenthesis, and we just got started.

1.It's so cold and snowy on baseball's opening day, that the topless hairy bleacher guys have been replaced by...topless hairy bleacher guys.

2. I have to be very careful to put plastic bags over my feet post-pedicure so they don't get smudged by the fur in my UGG snow boots.

3.The Cherry Blossom festival sounds more like a sale at "Bath and Body Works" than an actual road-trip worth taking to Washington DC.

4.No one is falling in love randomly on the streets simply because people are back on the streets. God, I miss those days. You smile at everyone merely for being physically present on the streets of Armitage or Michigan Ave.

5.Only the nasty-smelling smokers with long nails have their windows open . And even still, its only cracked enough to give absolutely no identifiable escape of smoke for them, but allows just enough to sneak in through my heater vents while parked behind them at the lights..bastards.

6. The false security of last weeks warmth commited a genocide on lady bugs statewide. Nature is cruel. Beware. (also note: Groundhogs everywhere are being tortured and shot upon sighting)

7. The most common question I hear lately is: "Why do I live here again?" Followed swiftly by lightly-veld empty pleasantries, plans to take a mini-vacation, or compliments on each other's winter coats. We don't dare ask how you are....we know.

8. The mere presence of sunshine ( even if only 30 degrees) elicits the high schoolers ( and age-inappropriately dressed suburban moms) to plunge into the frigid streets in mini-skirts or flip-flops.

9. WGN's Tom Skilling reported that this years Chicago 07-08 snowfall, has officially made it into the Top 7 seasons to reach over 60" of snow. Even though it's entirely not his fault, Tom Skillet has federal protection from locals.

10. The deeply fulfilling, tummy-warming, environmentally-charged sexual yearning to co-mingle and flirt (aka "sprhorny feeling") has yet to implode within us and sprinkle the city/world with pheromones. Instead, we are still eating high-fat, high fructose foods and drinking dark beer and wine.

C'mon people. Let's will spring to come. I need some SPRHORNY in my life...Don't you?

More quotes from the movie: Definitely, Maybe!!!

All you had to do is ask! Another movie by myself, another list of great quotes just for you!!! I still liked it the second time around. Maybe I'm just a girl that loves the 90's, and snarky fast-talking wit. Every daddy issue was covered in this one...well played. Yet, I laughed and cried. Like Joni Mitchell says: "It's the same release." When it's snowing 4 days before the month of April begins...that's just what I need. Enjoy. I took notes in the dark, so correct me if I am off on anything. I love Ryan Reynolds....

April: “I’m not apathetic. I just don’t think I have to have an opinion about everything.”
Will: “Fine, you are nothing.”

Will: “I shouldn't have read the diary. It’s like Pandora’s hot sexy box.”

April:(after mock proposal) “No, you are asking me to join a group institution that fails as often as it succeeds, for no other reason besides to fulfill some bourgeois notion to fulfill this society’s capitalistic agenda.”

Will: “I’m happy, I’m good.”
April: “Really? Why do I feel like I should hide the razors?

Will: "This song is an excellent cure for the will to live."

Summer: “You look so manly”
Will: “yep. That’s the aim.”

Will: “Whenever I figure out whatever it is I’m supposed to learn from all this, I will write you a letter.”

April: (on relationships) “Forget about the “real” deal. You don’t find it, it finds you…you know, when you are ready for marriage, a mortgage…(other examples)...the person that you are with THEN is the one.

Will: “So, it’s not WHO; it’s WHEN?”

Will: “Your shit is a mess. You’re a mess. You could do anything, anything, and you work in a bookstore. At least I tried; I went out there and tried. As a friend, maybe you should get some help, some life rehab."

April: "Life Rehab?"

Will: "I don’t even know if they do that, but if they do I think you could be a prime candidate.”

What a clever way to slip "hot sexy box" into the script. Love it.

For my full review Click Here

Foolish Kindness: Make someone feel good today!

"I've learned that people will forget what you said,people will forget what you did,but people will never forget how you made them feel." -Maya Angelou

This has always been one of my favorite quotes. I want to be kind today. You all know I practice yoga daily, but my new thing (over the past six months) has been meditation. Its a simplistically, intrinsically, almost impossible act of self awareness and controlled quiet. I usually spend the last 20 odd minutes of my mindful energy sending out love and kindness or calm and forgiveness or sexual energy (hey, I'm being honest) to the people I love, or have loved, or am trying not to love.

It's a bizarre process. Awkward and scary sometimes to see what pops up on the mind's big-screen when you stop the "chatter" and the noise of all the happenings from yesterday (which can't be changed), and the to-do list for today(which can really throw priorities. Think: importance vs. urgency) and the not knowing of what is to come (which will happen come what may).

I love to be funny, I do. I try really hard most of the time, other times it comes easy. I make jest of all types of things. We all do, its survival. We need to laugh in order to sustain the daily grind, the pressure, the balance, and the constant under toe. I don't have much to give, but I give you this...

Today is a day among many that may seem superficial, or mundane. Maybe you forgot to switch the laundry, or you have five back to back meetings. Perhaps there is no "thing" in the near future to look forward to, perhaps you are lost or living in great love. Whatever you are doing today be grateful if you can. Be kind to everyone you encounter. Try it. Whats the down side?

Be kind because energy flows from us to each other. We are made to feed and reverb from one another. Know that today is a gift and every one that follows holds the possibility of serving you in the deepest possible way...in the simplest way. Be kind to yourself and hold it as a reflective mirror, not to ponder yourself, your place, your motives...but to reflect self-kindness out to the world with the purity of a child without the taught fear and judgment. Make people feel good without the expectation of reciprocation, the same way we once knew when we were good to people because it felt nice.

You may be surprised how much comes back. If nothing else, you will feel better knowing you threw it out there. ( I don't apologize. Im spreading love today. I'm all stocked up on sarcasm...more from that vault tomorrow)

Keep it simple. Be mindful but be youthfully foolish with kindness.

Shimmy, shimmy, plie-pas de poisson, star-jump, giggle, hip-sway powder-dust sprinkle, heal-toe(hands on hips) kick-step, bounce, twirly- pop, kiss-blow.... You have been lulu loved!

American Idol top 10 birth year songs 3.25.08

People? What is happening? I think that there is a worm hole that got dug out in the universe last week, and no one told me. I am stuck in this fuzzy bad dream-like reality. Can you read this? Am I here? Phone home....ping me, pinch me, poke me with a stick. (ewww.)

Randy was sick and crabby. I think I saw him tumbling past me in the worm hole of muck and dust. Now, Paula looks like she got drop-kicked and humped by the Tasmanian devil. Is her dress supposed to look torn? Did her left eye some how get pushed closer to her nose? I love him, but what color is Simon? Is that a makeup choice, burnt orange with a tinge of...orange? I think my men from Radar Magazine should come up with "100 ramifications of self-tanner."

Ramiele Malubay was a bad karaoke song again. Jason Castro sang Sting.It was sweetly mediocre, which is disappointing. I want him to do well, and I can't help but picture his scrotum. I don't know what that is?Perhaps because he is always perched on a stool, and the camera angle is centered there somehow. I keep thinking they have dreads and blue eyes. Weird.

Syesha Mercado knocked out "I am your woman". Chikeze sang "if only for one night" and felt reminiscent of my dreamy evenings of Jazz nights at Navy Pier. He did well. I wanted a warm lake breeze and a man to slow-jazz-two-step with. Well done Chiky. (yep I said: "Chiky")

Brooke White also sang The Police. She was flat and didn't impress anyone. She seems quite uncomfortable in her own skin most times,but in an affable sweet way. Don't get me wrong, I'm not comfortable in my own vicinity most times, so no judgement here. Singing was OK.

Michael Johns sang Queen. He can sing. He might have even rocked my doubt a little. I thought it started out pretty commercialized "Rock Jams!" for me, but he actually killed it and set the teen girls on fire. Nice.

Carly Smithson sang "Total eclipse of the heart". She sang well, but I was completely distracted by her air hump. It was nasty, seriously? She got into that like a soft porn. I felt like the music was not quite up to par with her voice. Bizarre. David Archuleta sang some Aussie song, and it sounded the scene from "40 year old virgin" when Michael McDonald is on the jumbo screens.

Christy Lee Cook said she remembers singing at two. No. No she doesn't. She didn't come out of the womb smiling either. Let me take her into an OBGYN room, let's count how many people are smiling in that moment. Anywho, she sang "God bless America". Hey guys? Did anyone else picture the movie cartoons from "Team America: World Police" whisper-singing..."Ammmmerica.....F*ck Yeah."? I did.

David Cook sang "Billy Jean". It was fantastic, he made it his own. That's all quite beautiful and creative, but being that I have been cosmically traveling. I am here to tell you, he ( like all super-talented and beautiful people : Angelina Jolie, Michael Jackson, Tiger Woods,etc...) is an alien. I don't normally like to exploit baby pictures, but this is my proof. Nano. Nano.

...And just so you know, I mentally threw an open tampon box at Randy because his foul mood was oozing through the TV.

Hold me? Office starts on April 10th. (phew)

Erica Hill and Anderson not so flirty, but a little dirty.

So...You all know that I am a HUGE fan of Erica Hill and Anderson Cooper on Anderson Cooper 360. Tonight, sadly, was a little disappointing. A couple things....

1. Whoever produced tonight's show coined a portion of the show: "Digging Deeper". Eh?

2. Not fun dirty: Who approved the graphic for the Obama segment? This is silly, just silly. Not even funny silly. AC!? Don't pander to the over-sensationalized media obsession with Obama, his pastors and a hidden agenda to keep things "interesting". This isn't. The Pastor on the screen shot is NOT Obama's. Obama has never been to this guys church sermon, and although it may be an affective sound byte from Easter service, it just isn't relevant. This guy is NOT Reverend Wright. Leave the dead beaten horse. Move on. It's just lame. Can we talk about what matters? Really.

3. Fun dirty: Dick is inside a Bunny. This is the little cute moment where Anderson makes fun of Erica doing a "bob" or a "wiggle" or a "bounce" during the cheesy music. Readers/Bloggers write a caption about the picture of the day. This was funny. Bush and a bunny. Well played.

4. How could we not take a moment to really look at these two? I love them. They even smile sarcastically in the exact same way. It would be great genetic melding. Seriously, its becoming a bit of a vicarious need. They are onto me though. The flirting is waning. I will it for tomorrow night. I will some saucy innuendo and borderline boundary-jumping intimacy. I need to experience it....even if by proxy.

Just look at her eyes, take if from me, raised-eyebrows basically say: "Let's do this"....she is saying: "Anderson, I want you to dig deeper, put me in a bunny suit and hop on my little cotton tail."

Ha cha cha.

Feel Mad? Bad or Blue? Play Rockband.

I have found a new outlet for my angst against the world and my small population of sadists (in my head and out). I discovered the beauty of slamming wood on plastic and getting shin splints from a kick-drum. Seriously. Even though up to four people can play guitar, base, sing and bang drums, my "solo" career as "lulu hotass" is working well for me.

I can kill "Maps" by the yeah yeah yeahs and pull a 98% on The Rolling Stones. I have a new (and sort of unfounded) respect for drummers every where. I feel like my brain is being split three ways. It is like tapping your nose while circling your head and holding the "tree" pose in yoga.

What made it really interesting: I refused to play "Easy". Pft. Nothing easy is worth achieving....right? and I refused to do a tutorial. Wasted time? Sure it was, but psychological babble would call that evasion, created chaos and transference. Oh yeah......Who wants to be sedated when you can bang it out! (wow, I sound crazy.)

Seem weird? It is. I admit it. Something about the musicality of it, veils the childishness of playing a video game when my daughter goes to sleep. The fact that the pallet of skin color choices varies enough to cover my shade of "brown" masks the idiocrity of creating a character with such attention to detail. Besides, I can play Eric Johnson's "Cliffs of Dover" in my sleep. I needed something new. You can bet your drumstick I will have dropped the hobby come warm weather, but for now, it helps.

Judge away. Hell, I'll even admit I hit my wooden sticks in the air for the rock-chick click and yell random rockisms at my flat screen. I have no shame. It works. I FEEL BETTER after playing, and ladies and gents, that helps the whole little world I deal with spin a little less madly. Try it...you'll see.

"Waiiiit. They don't love you like I love you. Waiiiiiit. They don't love you like I love you..." red, blue, blue, green, green, (kick drum)green(kick drum), red-blue,blue, blue(kick drum).

Oh, stop guffawing and go kick one out!

Spelling is for sissies.

In today's day and age of instant gratification response in all facets of communication, it can be pretty easy to mispell words. In fact, there are times, I am typed a message either on text or IM that is incomprehensable. I decided to have some fun with it.

Words that have recently been invented from other ( mispelled) words:


1. Disporve (n.): a warm indistinct egg dish your great grandmother serves. Origins: "Disapprove"
ie: "Here you go Gordon, here is the disporve du jour a la jus, just like you like it. You don't need salt."

2.Hganing tou (n.): the reminants of a an adult circumcism. Origins: "Hanging out"
ie: "hganing tou makes for a good soup stock in some countries."

3. Vloe (v.): The act of attempting fallatio and failing miserably to the point of just looking up and saying: "sorry" with your eyes. Origins: "love"
ie: "I totally got vloed last night by my sister's friend. I think she is figuring out her braces."

4.Flediggin: (adj): the attribute of being Irish and well spoken in ebonics simultaniously. Origins: "Fledgling"
ie: "Those flediggin dudes are meeting us at Bennigan's again, yo."

5.Toughth (v.): the act of agreeing to not ever mention an embarrassing encounter witnessed by yourself and someone else. Origins: "Thought"
ie: "We pinky swore and toughth after we broke his bed doing unspeakable things with EZ Cheez."

Be afraid...be very afraid. What you mean might not be what you send. Type with caution.

I'm sorry. All examples are completely fictional. I will be much better after American Idol.

Live each day...as if it were the LAST THREE MINUTES of an NCAA Tourney Game!

Let's sing: "Spring is in the air...the birds are chirping (record scratch) Snow is everywheeerrre." I would complain, but I really don't mind. We built a self-ironic snow bunny with attitude in the yard,the sun is shining, and NCAA basketball is in full force.

I have decided (while watching the WVU vs DUKE game)that I am going to proceed through the rest of my days until April 7th as if I were a collegiate basketball player.

-Anytime I make a statement, ask a question or prove a point, I am going to follow it up with a five-clap pattern. "Eat your prunes kiddo. Clap-Clap-CLAP!CLAP!CLAP!"

-Next time I am at the grocery store and an old lady cuts in line to put her Metamucil on the conveyor belt, I'm going to shuffle step into a HUGE lunge-leap forward over her blue hair and swat the SHITE out of it, and then bounce three times while yelling "NOT IN MY LANE!!!"

-I am going to wear a whistle and blow it at anyone not following rules that are prudent to my convenience. An example would be when I am in the passenger seat of a car and the driver is trying to make a left turn against on coming traffic, but doesn't go when there is a clean break. I will proceed blowing the whistle until he/she goes.

-If anyone says anything I don't like, or accosts my olfactory sensory (drug-store perfume, axe man's spay or pepperoni... for example) I will throw a hand behind my head and the other arm pointing to them to signal an "OFFENSIVE FOUL" while blowing my whistle.

-Instead of handing any cashiers money during typical transactions. I will head-fake left, step back 21 feet and drop a 3-point-like shot of money at her/him...just rain down coins and bills with a fade away wrist.

-I am going to wear a red LED clock that will institute a 30 second time limit to make your point or story to me, if you exceed it, you get BUZZED. Talk fast. I do.

-Next time anyone comes in for unsolicited snuggles, touching or affection, I am going to drop a shoulder, throw an elbow out and pull a shimmy-round move so I can dribble my intimacy issues off to some alone time.

Get into the game!!! Let's go Wisconsin. Clap.Clap.Clap-clap-clap!

RADAR Magazine: "147 Signs you're in the wrong relationship".

It's that time, and they have done it again. Mike Sacks,Scott Jacobson, Todd Levin, Jason Roeder, and Ted Travelstead did a doozy this month for Radar Magazine with "147 Signs you're in the wrong relationship".

A few of my favorites:

4. You finish each other's silences.

6. She started couples counseling with another man.

7. That big line of duct tape down the center of your bed.

12. Even your mutual orgasms now tend to be sarcastic.

26. For your one-year anniversary, he bought you a copy of He’s Just Not Into You

33. More and more, you’re feeling abandoned. Usually as you run after your wife’s car.

36. She won’t tell you why all her friends call her “The Guzzler”

55. Your response to “Does this shirt make me look fat?” is “No, you make it look fat”

61. Your partner makes vague, ominous remarks such as, “I’m leaving for my sister’s house on Tuesday morning at 9:30 and never coming back.”

62 Out of nowhere, the cashier at the grocery says, “Don’t worry, five inches is almost average.”

116. You start indulging in behaviors you know will irritate your partner—belching, smoking,
human trafficking

126. You’re a member of ’70s-era Fleetwood Mac

146. The “sandwich” she’s named after you: a Vienna sausage loosely placed in an over sized Pita pocket


CLICK HERE to see the full list.

Things to be happy about RIGHT NOW:

A few of you have asked for an updated list of things to be happy about. I find it slightly peculiar that I am somewhat of a wishing well for happy thoughts. Maybe more ironic. That said, I am a giver and a pleaser with guilt and "saying no" issues. Score for you! Nonetheless, a great place to start a day: Happy.... "Schlemiel, schlimazel, hasenpfeffer incorporated!"

1.) Being right. I got 12 of 16 of NCAA picks right! There was a point where I was rooting for Belmont (even though I have Duke going pretty far) but my reasoning was irrational. I thought it was "sweet" that they didn't even have their names on their uniforms, and that Mathew Dotson kid out of nowhere dropping three's. I love this game.

2.)MORE GAMES ALL DAY TODAY!

3.) Peeps. (the little yellow sweet ones, not to be mistaken for an Ebonics reference) Especially if you open the packaging halfway and let them get a little stale so they are hard. Yummy.

4.) French kissing. I haven't done it in months (whatever, at least I'm honest!) but I dream about it a lot and it feels nice then. Get out there and kiss someone slowly, barely use your tongue and don't make slapping saliva sounds.

5.) The breathless anticipation of something good. Like when the lights go down in a movie theatre, or a phone number you've been hoping for appears on your phone, or the smell of chocolate chip cookies.

6.) Spare Time. Not unlike the minutes you are spending reading this silly blog, and not having to walk barefoot for miles to get rice and water like the smiling woman in the picture. Seriously, pull back, gain some perspective and be trivial with your time with total awareness and gratitude.

7.) A great mood lifting song that comes on the very minute you need it to like: "I feel it all" by Fiest, or "Solsbury Hill" by Peter Gabriel, or "Night Moves" by Bog Seger. Who doesn't scream: "I re-mem-ber!, I re-mem-ber!, I re-mem-ber! Looooooorrrrd I remember! Ooooooooo...aaaaaaaaa....yeah yeah yeah, uh-huh. uh-huuuh..." in their car when this song comes on? Fine, just me. You're missing out.

8.) Spinach Artichoke dip. Oooooo. Don't attempt number 4 after this though.

9.) Getting or giving real hugs. Not the side-squonch, triple-pat kind. The ones that feel like energy conductors for love and sincerity. Go give one today. Shite, go give two!

10.)Smiling at a stranger and seeing that it comes right back, and usually with surprise.

There you have it. I don't know about you, but I plan to go find a stranger watching the NCAA tourney to gloat to, smile at, real hug, french kiss and sing a Bob Seger song with.

Go spread it.....spread it thick. It's good (happy) Friday.