Friday, November 21, 2008

Say my name,Say my name,wait.... Dont.

I am beside myself right now. Truly. I don't care about mass commerical pop starlets and their children (except for my beloved Angie) but this is getting down right obnoxious!

"BRONX MOWGLI" is the new Ashlee Simpson baby name. Are you flippin' kidding me?! Does this kid have a shot with his resume in 18 years? Will people take him seriously at high school graduation? Look I realize there will be tons of thousands of spawn with parents that had a lapse in lucid thinking and named their kids such atrocities as "Pilot Inspektor", "Kyd", and "Apple" but those are just celebrity crazy...on some level they get excused because they don't really live in our reality, and most of them will end up in rehab, then in a new clan of panti-less starlets and back to rehab, so it is fitting.

What gets me is how many upstanding well-educated people are naming their kids to the trends. The green-organic smokeless cigar club of elite successful business men will be referring to themselves by saying things like:

"Storm, How are the latest numbers coming in on electromagnetic flypods, are your cornering the market?"

or "Brooklyn and Ridge are teeing off at 9 tomorrow, are you in?"

The children of this decade are going to be thought of similarly to the poor kids of hippie hallucinogens days of "Soleil Moonfry" and "River Pheonix". So goes it, I just think its carving a hard path for your kids. Its difficult enough to be taken seriously with "normally" strange names or extremely ethnic names, but those have substance, meaning, namesake. How do you philosophically validate "Dakota" or "Nevaeh"...great, really? Its "heaven" backwards. PUKE.

Get a grip people. Children are anything BUT a trend. Give them a tiny little boost in a knock-you-down world. Start your kindness by giving them tools to succeed. No matter how much we preach kindness and non-judgement, people do, even if you don't. Go crazy with a nick name, but to bring mockery to the one unique identifier that will stick with them from birth to fair. Be thoughtful and be respectful. Just saying...

If you are itching to make your power and creative mark: Get a dog. Name it "chakra shitball loveeeellly boneboy" or "Kendalllll Cade Karma Makeyyylaa Dom purr on Yum"

Monday, November 17, 2008

November's Top 3 Bed Em' if you can get Em'!

So...I know, I know, the big question is what the FECK is wrong with me? Who cares. Nothing. Lazy, Apathy, my new found love interest in cooking healthy tasty food like the lemon caper tilipia I'm making tonight. Who knows. My libido however, is fully in tact, even though I have not been stretching the limits of what a mother/wife can say without being distasteful on this blog lately. I have still been being rather nasty at all times, despite my ability to appear like I'm nesting in my new SAHM role or other seemingly "normal" traipses through life.

I have to say, my list makes no sense. I know this, and that is ok.

1. Justin Timberlake. YEP. I caught a snippet of his gazelle, lift one leg scoot and undulate move from SNL and his concert and its nuts. The man can look sexy and naughty by moving his NECK. the least of phallic symbols, but check will want to wreck in his adorable baby boy face. Um...then there is his "soft-goofy side" that shows up on Ellen and plays golf and is way more self aware than one should be after sleeping with Bspears trainwreck, Cameron Diaz and Jessica (perfect booty) Biel. Take a look. What man can wear a leotard and still be HOT? I rest my case.

I want to smell him and make fun of him for being so boyish and wearing white tennis shoes, and then have him throw me on a wall and dance in front of me, or mock himself and crack jokes...because this guy is everything and nothing predictable. Have I said too much?

2. James Bond (Daniel Craig) or just the idea of him:
I watched "Quantum of Solace" last night and felt my ovaries jump and release estrogen in toxic amounts at his calm while flying down a cliff side road in Italy in an Aston Martin, and his athleticism and skepticism and rippled tummyicism....he is danger, and dark and inconsolable. He leaps over anything, can kill with a pressure point, risks his life for a woman, than nonchalantly drops her off in the safe hands of a hotel conceirge...contradictions in a flesh pod of muscle and sex-man musk.

In life, that is a nightmare, in fantasy that is a dreamy bowl of smoking hot love making and a false sense of connection with a heartless machine of sexy goodness is just what I ordered.( Self loathing follows when he forgets your name post coital) so he can stay in fantasy world, gun slinging and throwing himself into the fire of sarcastic vengeance. If there were no consequences and my self-esteem was 100% in tact, I would fly onto this man like those bat monkeys with wings, envelope him and then disappear before he could get to clean up...leave him a note that says: "Not bad...had to run...L" Dirty, dirty, bad guy. What woman doesn't dream of breaking this kind of nut?! Humpy hot double O for me please.

3. Alec Baldwin: I have no apologies. This man makes me laugh and think and want to run and then stay, and the shuffle back two steps and then jump his fifty year old bones just to see if he can stay standing. Not only is he smart and seasoned with women, he is realistic and almost impossible. I picture him the kind of guy I would want to punch for calling out all my tricks, attention needs and inadequacies, but somehow peppering his slights with sex appeal and backwards compliments. You may picture grey hair and wrinkles and a spare tire...sure, but I still see vintage in him. The body is a curious thing, it changes, it ages, it sags...and such is life. Mine will too. Until then, I would love to stretch out, arch my back and lay before this silly, fast-tongued (surely dirty minded) man of many words, jokes and political opinions.

Sigh....I'm not claiming to be normal, in fact quite the opposite. If nothing else, find comfort in how normal you seem in comparison to my over-sexed thoughts, rationalizing and daydreams.

Happy Monday. No day for the mundane.