Friday, December 12, 2008

Jen Aniston all tied up for GQ.

Now we all know I love AJ. Always have, but I saw this and thought: "Va va voom." Jennifer Aniston turns 40 in two months and has a body to die for. ( Thanks to Hatha and Ashtanga surprise). Elongated muscles, calming strength, flat tummy.

I've heard rumblings that she is making a desperate attempt to look "over" the Brad/Angie triangle. I don't know. I'd like to give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she has moved on, moved into her own self assurance and is enjoying some amazing photos of herself for the world over to see. Why not? She has suffered enough. Not to mention a heavy promotion of Marley and Me with Owen Wilson coming out in three weeks. Perhaps she forgot to go in for the pre-shoot fitting and she had to borrow the sound grip's tie for his high school reunion later that night? It could happen.

Take a look for yourself. What I want to know is what was behind the big black tape on the upper thigh of meat cake number two at the bottom of the shot?
I agree with you GQ. It isn' just you, she does keep getting hotter. She also has never had a child, (or three like AJ) but whose counting? I would be ecstatic if I could look like this naked at 40. Namaste, shanti shanti and godspeed.
Not surprisingly, all wealthy 40+ women seem to be getting hotter, thinner, more svelte and dewy. I am convinced that if you have more than 10 million in the bank and are on the dawn of your 4th decade of life, a group of black-velvet and hooded women in Balenciaga boots and grey nail polish show up to anoint you into the world of "secrets to staying young". There is a club, I know it....40 has never looked so good.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

In an elevator...DO THIS.

I was in an elevator earlier today and I found myself pondering what a strange circumstance it is that we all accept into our daily routines. It even has little rules of behavior, and we nod or smile when people follow them, or get disapproving when they don't. I began to think of all the things that could go wrong in the elevator. I know, I know, Greys Anatomy would have you believe all elevator rides are full of suppressed sexual tension. I remembered the strange intimacy of riding an elevator multiple times a day to the 21st floor in my Chicago condo building and the many MANY times I wanted to do something outrageous just to shock people. Then...I found this...and someone already thought of all of them for me at

1. Wave hands wildly at invisible flies buzzing around your head.

2. Shave.

3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

4. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

5. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

6. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"

7. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

8. . When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"

9. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

10. Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After awhile, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"

11. Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.

12. Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

13. Call out, "Group hug!" then enforce it.

14. While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, "Hide it...quick!" then whistle innocently.

And....that concludes my silly funny list share for today.

No joke. Once a week I get the Aerosmith lyrics stuck in my head. ( I do not own the music file, CD or tape) "Love in an EL-A-VA-TOR....Livin' it up, when I'm GOIN' DOooooown...." Bizarre.

In Rod (Blago) we do NOT trust...

Blago, Blago, Blago? You are about to be one of a small group of Chicago politicans (3 ex Illinois governors) to be jailed in my lifetime. Sheesh. You called Obama a motherwhat? You tried to sell the senate seat? Man oh man. Driving from my "typing place" the Bou, I heard on the local radio that when the Deputy Chief called him at 2:00am to warm him that he was about to be arrested, that two armed officers were at his door, and that this was being done to avoid waking his daughters or the media to the mess, he said: "Is this a joke?" At least he got out for $4500.00. That's barely a nice suit for some sleezy politicians.

Men in power. It is amazing. I am truly fascinated. Are they so highly removed from the realities and repercussions of the world that they feel invincible? Spitzer? Edwards? Whadayathink? It has to be. No one is dumb enough, I have to believe civil servants, "men of the people" actually started out, at some point, educated and with the best interest of the people. I get it. Most men ( Marcus not included) are busy trying to elevate themselves, etch a mark in history either on a grand scheme or small. I don't fault anyone for attempting some self gain, but NOT at the risk of a trusted position of power where your role is to work in the best INTEREST of the people you serve.

Honestly, I don't really care what politicians stick their body parts into...I don't really judge them on their personal lives, that isn't on the table in my book. I do, however find it unbelievable to see this kind of overt corruption. Not only Blago's but whomever was on the other end of the phone, email, and conversations!!!

(Sigh) I would keep my mouth shut, but this is a mess, a taint the windy city is known for...WIND and bull shite. Bummer. While I'm ranting, why is it sleeting after we already have inches of snow on the ground? How is Britney Spears being celebrated for a "comeback" by merely oiling up her short little legs and rolling around in a video? Sloppy Joe's are making a comeback....I don't respect them more, I just think: "Yeah, why got a bad rap let's give it a whirl."

On a high note, however, my future age-limitation defying lover Alec Baldwin is going to be on Larry King Live. I guarantee you can picture me hunched over my knees, biting my fingernails with a giddy grin around 10pm tonight!

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

SNL GAP ad makes me laugh-snort at the gym.

Today was a typical winter's day in Chicago land. 26 degrees and sunny. I decided to wrap the tot up in her warmest gear and spend two hours at the gym. So be it. On the elliptical machine I got head deep into the December issue of "VOGUE". Not only was Jenny A (my look alike) on the cover (( that's a joke, I love her, but love Angie more)), but I stopped dead in my tracks to recover from a laughing out loud snort reaction to the latest crop of ingenious GAP ads.

Take a look a the hilarity in what seems like a silly ab lib/American express-like fill in the blanks spot. Not to mention the rough-neck faces...

They are all funny, but the one that knocked me out was: "Visit your own ___Stalker___". I couldn't contain myself. I even had an impromptu brainstorming of unpredictable things to say in such situations and I couldn't. It made me miss the RADAR Magazine boys of the 100 list.

I know you could come up with a million reasons NOT to support GAP. Like sweatshops and reviving, revolving fashion-less Lycra-knit fabrics made for the masses, or teen consumption, but from as strictly marketing and advertising point of view, this was priceless. Funny, full-colored and memorable. Brand and character endorsement clearly front and center, with a side dish of poppycock to say: "we don't take ourselves too seriously."

Love it. Go Gap. They go Red, they are trying. C'mon...there are worse things happening out there. Have you seen the latest cosmetic serum made from infant foreskin? Right....pick your battles.

December makes me think of members.

What? Gross. Did I just make an anatomical reference that makes no sense? Yes. I'm sorry. I really would prefer to rant about how boring "Australia" was with the exception of the magical aboriginal boy wonder. I could fill pages about my obsession and fear for a close friend during the Mumbai terrorist attacks. I am so disappointed in the Grey's anatomy slip n slide into the horror show of prime-time soap-opera-esque plot lines with dead ghosts making love to Izzy. In the famous words of every character on that show from last year: "Seriously? Seriously. SER-I-OUSLY?"

But I here I am...over-sexed. I know, I surprise, but somehow I am convinced that hormonally, things are going crazy pre-winter solstice. During the normal excitement and anticipation of Thanksgiving dinner I was dreaming of having sex with Hugh Laurie...really. It was exciting and moment to moment heart-palpitating, pulsating anticipation and then after kissing the top of his tummy and unzipping his pants....there was an infant size "member". He then waddled off with his cane. Hmmm...

Next up, was trapeze foreplay with someone even stranger, like Ewen Mcgregor, or some other bendy man from modern day movies. I will tell you, instead of being exotic, it was overwhelmingly full of huge misses, and big pelvic bruises. Its bizarre. Truly. I wake up sweaty and guilt-ridden. This is the season of giving and gratefulness. This is the time for love and light and peaceful offerings and my subconscious is nose-diving past saviors born in hay, to rolling in it and then failing miserably at execution. I DON'T FAIL AT EXECUTION (of that). I can't control it. The more I joke with friends or my husband about how I will focus on wholesome things before nodding off...the worse it gets. I wont even begin to describe what happened with the red-head actress from "Gladiator" or "The Devils Advocate". Eesh.

I will try harder (tee-hee) to focus on Christmas cheer and holly. I will spend more time making hot apple cider and warm cocoa while wearing an apron and maybe even doing my hair like a Mormon bouffant FLDS matriarch in folded white socks and denim. I am not unholy or despicable.

AM I? Strap in...December is going to be warm and fuzzy, white hot and tingly too.

PS: Good gracious I hope none of my child's preschool teachers ever stumble onto this blog!