Lulu's Thursday round-up: Cook,Cat,Crude and Bourgeois guilt...Nice.

There is so much going on today. I didn't sleep well (no surprise). I think it was a full moon, or it's hard to have this many words and conversations and thoughts elbowing and heel-stepping to the front of my mind, pulling on the insides of my brain. Really. So...needless to say: I am zingy today.

David Cook won American Idol. Sure. Swell. Super. More excitingly, Cat Deely will rebirth by 2nd girl-crush (Ellen was my first- but now she is getting married) tonight on Fox's "So you think you can Dance".

Oil prices are over $135. Al-Naimyi said it, pundits and experts said it months ago....one word: Speculation. S'ok. (well, not really, but..) My bet is the same crazy bastards driving up crude costs are sniffing out a way to make money on the next-big thing that might help the economy and footprint on earth...while lining their pockets so they can fly atomic jets to St. Tropez for the weekend. If no one else, blame your parents..why not?

Martin Kelly, 42. died on his doorstep yesterday leaving his pregnant wife, Natascha McElhon, known to me as "Hank Moody's exe on Californication" devastated. My condolences...42? That is insane. She gets prime meditation time from me today. (image, copyright, CP)

China's earthquake toll is above 50,000. Anderson Cooper and Erica Hill are no longer flirting. American Airlines is charging for checking bags, soon to charge for seat-belts, toilet paper and window-shade privileges AFTER you pay a nominal fee for thinking about flying with them.

I'm truly convinced the world is going to hell in a "Bag,borrow or steal" hand bag. Surely, in perfect ironical form, I will be sitting on my couch, knees tucked to the side, sipping wine, with an afghan on while I watch a TV dance show the very instant the world obliterates...Great. Well done Lulu.....the only thing worse, would be jammin' in your car to N-sync or polishing your silver.

What will you be doing? I have got to figure out how to heal degenerative disease with something random like fabreeze and motor oil. Wait, not oil...tooth paste and sticky tack! Or deep dive into the decomposing waters of disaster zones, or come up with the latest green initiative that will help turn this boat around.


Sigh. Can you tell I am as predictable as a Woody Allen sentence right now? Today is going to be wacky. Hang on to your britches, I am shooting 10 different colors, in 20 different directions...

TAKE COVER!

Nifty beauty business ideas for the self-loathing.

I read People's "100 most beautiful people" issue last weekend. They are....beautiful. But what is the obsession? This is getting scary. How does Jennifer Anniston look younger at 39 than she did at 25? Don't get me wrong, I love her. I just want the secret. Why is every man a shade of orange and without a moving forehead?

I guess I can't stop it, and I'm lying if I say I don't feel pressure and absolute fear of aging, but ONLY because very few spotlighted women are being examples of accepting who you are, wrinkles, imperfections and all. Bottom line, as there is no one in particular (or too many) to blame, I can only affect how I take it all, and hopefully how my daughter interprets it.

I'd really rather invest a boatload of money into building self-esteems for young girls and teaching confidence and self-assurance to realize that the glossy magazines are NOT accurate portrayal of expectations of aging. But since it feels futile, and books are being published to help children deal with why/how "My Mommy is Beautiful" , I will capitalize on it too.(I jest) ((It's sad that I have to clarify,but there it is.)) Some business ideas I am kicking around:

"Reborn" Placenta face bags. Possible tag line: "Deep dive into mother's freshest fluids to get that dewy-baby face you've always wanted."
- Retails for $20,000. (for $500.00 extra we will give you our biodegradable vile of colostrum in liquid form to add to your Pellegrino.)
Cost to me: Free from sidebar medical waste pickup service to midwives.
~~~~~~~

Starve-to-feed diet. TM. With all the women not eating, yet dining out, there is a surplus of food being left table side. In the innovative "Starve-to-feed" diet you can actually give your food to the millions of hungry, starving Americans.

You pay, you lose, and the hungry are sustained by your Venison seared with beef stake tomatoes and duck vagina glaze.

-Membership cost monthly is $200.00. Check participating restaurants at our website:spendyourmoneyusefullyoliveoil.com
~~~~~~~~~~

Organectomy. It is important that your body works. It is more important that your body LOOKS like it really works. We are here to help. Our fine surgeons will minimize general operation of all systems inside your body to allow for that youthful, un-aging look.
-The standard Organectomy prices vary. The procedure begins with full-body botulism shots to freeze all neurons and moving cells, your tummy is then stapled, a feeding tube is inserted, all thyroid and glandular functions are diminished to tell those pesky aging molecules to disappear.

The end result is ...You as a perfectly crafted and beautiful, human vegetable.

Get out there America and keep the biggest premium of value on looking beautiful!

Hope and love beams for no reason, or too many?

If you open up the Huff-Po today the headline is : "Angry Earth" followed by pictures of the natural demolition that is Earthquakes, Cyclones, and death tolls. The Economy is...well, who the heck knows. Oil, commodities, dead kittens, Indian protesters, war, fear...It could seem bleak.

Angelina Jolie is having twin girls. Watch out Olsen's your time-clock is ticking in 24HRS-type drama. Eva, Eva, Eva....what were you thinking. Really? Someone said it would look sexy if you were topless having your tata's massaged by feet? Eeeeesh. Those silly Italians can convince a girl to do anything....Je connais, Je connais, Laissaiz-la tranquille, mais, merde sacre! (note: I don't speak Italian, but French is close enough) Regarder: Oh Eva...

So..now that I feel a little sad for the earth, thousands of Burmese and Chinese mourning families, the nannies for Jolie-Pitt and Eva's self-esteem...I am sending out a zingy beam of love and hope to all of you readers. I cleanse you or the hatred, and residue of ugliness that is pervading us on a daily basis with the onslaught of raunchy and circumstance.

Instead, I will focus all my harmony and happiness and bright, white-hot-light of inexplicable positivity to you and yours and perhaps, maybe if you are open to it, you will walk a little lighter, smile a little brighter, hold close and then release your own good intentions and we can create some kind of a bouncing sparkly beam of light and love. Or...we just go about our days half-minded and rushing through the motions...you choose. I'm skipping today.

Wiggle wiggle, Russian-squat jump circle, arms-open spin, crazy fouettes, snap-snap, shimmy, shimmy, jumping jack, kiss-blow.

... You have been love beamed!

Signs you made a one-night-stand mistake.

Alright. I have been all sappy and sweet for three days straight. Let's get back to it.

Signs you may have chosen the WRONG person to go home with last night:

1. He asks: "Did you like the vertical faux-hawk?...It used to be the Forrest-gump." ( referring to his man-scaping.)

2. He says: "I'm glad you didn't look at the camera much. You Tube ratings go down if it looks too pre-planned."

3. There is a pod-water bed, hammock, or futon involved.

4. She says: "My mother doesn't usually watch, she just gets nervous when I bring someone new home."

5. His idea of cuddling resembles frotterism.

6. She says: "I could lay here with you forever"....then dies. (You later find out she is 20 years older than she told you)

7. You met him coming out of the "Divorce Court" taping.

8. His work title starts with "The Honorable..."

9. You were a little put off by her stuffed animals, but the clincher was the report card on her cork board over the desk with a post-it note that says: "Good job, honey. Love Dad"

10. He says: "Here, give me a second to clear this tarp and move the shovel out of your way, so you can sit down. Do you have any false teeth?"

Oh yes, I did. I know...and you laughed. (Even if nervously. S'ok. No one saw)

Over-thinking: Admissions of a crazy person.

I have had a lot of time to myself, which has reminded me how weird I am. I think a lot, about everything. After bouncing some of my daily thoughts off of others, I realize...I am pretty alone in this weirdness. I can't quite put my finger on where my "dooms-day" mentality fully materialized. I have a few hunches, but I will save you the pity stories of my very privileged life. I'm just really strange. Here are a few examples, feel free to laugh out loud. My husband does.

1. When I switch into clothes for the evening, I consider if I would be "OK" being seen in them if the house were to catch fire, or if an intruder came in the backdoor and I had to grab my child and run out the front door...you know, I don't want to be wearing lime green tapered sweats or something crazy.

2. Anytime someone is more than 20 minutes late to meet me, my mind considers all the possible things that could have happened. Car accident, brain aneurysm, or maybe they got mugged and are now laying in a ditch somewhere unclaimed, and I don't want to call and seem pushy, so it's all somehow my fault, you know, had I called I would have put a blip in the morbid destiny plan, and they'd still be alive. ( this has never happened, its usually disregard for time, or traffic)

3. When I hear about an ex doing "Well", Instead of taking the word for face-value and considering the minimal needs to be doing good are checked boxes, my mind goes way out there. I assume "Well" means he is swaggering through the sunny streets of happy, perfect land with his pelvis forward, and hot, young, eager women are dropping at his feet. Meanwhile, his latest professional endeavour is rivaling the Google inc. profits and blue birds are singing over his shoulder.I also picture him kicking his head back with clinking wine glasses laughing hysterically at funnier, nicer, prettier women than I will ever be. Nice.

4. When my 2 year old daughter sleeps past 6:30 am, I get fearful of walking up the stairs to her room, and approaching the door in fear that she has stop breathing and is freezing cold. I was also that new mom that checked to see if she was breathing every few hours for the first couple weeks of her life. She if fine, sleeps in b/c she is growing and learned to go back to sleep even when mommy was lingering around her face and nostrils at a young age.

5. When I see a man getting angry, I can't help but go through an entire fantasy circumstantial reason he is being unruly. Maybe he found out his girlfriend has been faking orgasms for years, and then his mother called and complained about how her best friend said she was needy and that it's too much work to always pump her ego up. She later told him how similar he is to her, and that she loved knowing they were kindred spirits. Then his co-worker used the term "fake it to make it" in a completely random and unrelated conversation and he just couldn't take it anymore. Well, that's one possibility.

So, if nothing else, I hope I have helped you see your nicely un-obessive mind as a gift. I'm happy to help in anyway I can. I still love the whole idea that feelings are real and thoughts are lies..maybe it's true, maybe it's malarkey.

Think about it. No don't....

Feel Mad? Bad or Blue? Play Rockband.

I have found a new outlet for my angst against the world and my small population of sadists (in my head and out). I discovered the beauty of slamming wood on plastic and getting shin splints from a kick-drum. Seriously. Even though up to four people can play guitar, base, sing and bang drums, my "solo" career as "lulu hotass" is working well for me.

I can kill "Maps" by the yeah yeah yeahs and pull a 98% on The Rolling Stones. I have a new (and sort of unfounded) respect for drummers every where. I feel like my brain is being split three ways. It is like tapping your nose while circling your head and holding the "tree" pose in yoga.

What made it really interesting: I refused to play "Easy". Pft. Nothing easy is worth achieving....right? and I refused to do a tutorial. Wasted time? Sure it was, but psychological babble would call that evasion, created chaos and transference. Oh yeah......Who wants to be sedated when you can bang it out! (wow, I sound crazy.)

Seem weird? It is. I admit it. Something about the musicality of it, veils the childishness of playing a video game when my daughter goes to sleep. The fact that the pallet of skin color choices varies enough to cover my shade of "brown" masks the idiocrity of creating a character with such attention to detail. Besides, I can play Eric Johnson's "Cliffs of Dover" in my sleep. I needed something new. You can bet your drumstick I will have dropped the hobby come warm weather, but for now, it helps.

Judge away. Hell, I'll even admit I hit my wooden sticks in the air for the rock-chick click and yell random rockisms at my flat screen. I have no shame. It works. I FEEL BETTER after playing, and ladies and gents, that helps the whole little world I deal with spin a little less madly. Try it...you'll see.

"Waiiiit. They don't love you like I love you. Waiiiiiit. They don't love you like I love you..." red, blue, blue, green, green, (kick drum)green(kick drum), red-blue,blue, blue(kick drum).

Oh, stop guffawing and go kick one out!

Spelling is for sissies.

In today's day and age of instant gratification response in all facets of communication, it can be pretty easy to mispell words. In fact, there are times, I am typed a message either on text or IM that is incomprehensable. I decided to have some fun with it.

Words that have recently been invented from other ( mispelled) words:


1. Disporve (n.): a warm indistinct egg dish your great grandmother serves. Origins: "Disapprove"
ie: "Here you go Gordon, here is the disporve du jour a la jus, just like you like it. You don't need salt."

2.Hganing tou (n.): the reminants of a an adult circumcism. Origins: "Hanging out"
ie: "hganing tou makes for a good soup stock in some countries."

3. Vloe (v.): The act of attempting fallatio and failing miserably to the point of just looking up and saying: "sorry" with your eyes. Origins: "love"
ie: "I totally got vloed last night by my sister's friend. I think she is figuring out her braces."

4.Flediggin: (adj): the attribute of being Irish and well spoken in ebonics simultaniously. Origins: "Fledgling"
ie: "Those flediggin dudes are meeting us at Bennigan's again, yo."

5.Toughth (v.): the act of agreeing to not ever mention an embarrassing encounter witnessed by yourself and someone else. Origins: "Thought"
ie: "We pinky swore and toughth after we broke his bed doing unspeakable things with EZ Cheez."

Be afraid...be very afraid. What you mean might not be what you send. Type with caution.

I'm sorry. All examples are completely fictional. I will be much better after American Idol.

The meat market: 50 and naked with socks on.

Okay,
I am not in the business of craigslist dating...I do, however, think this website is worth sharing. A fellow-humor-blogs.com site called: Can't believe he is still single .

I was laughing so hard at the website in general, but particularly at this guy. Does this really work? Are women looking for a naked man in white socks? A miami-lover in a speedo sitting on a huge bronze turtle? I really am speechless. I would say something funny, but I can't really get past this visuatlization of this guy's o-face. Who took these pictures? How do you ask someone to do that? "Hey thanks for lunch, would you mind coming back to my place, Im gonna shed my skivvies and sit on a turtle, do you have your digi camera? Bong hits on me." WHAT?

View at your own risk. It makes for a strange "cold-prickley" feeling.You have been warned.
Naked dude

Happy Sunday! Get out there and be "well hung, and spoken"...

Re-stacked at the office

Today is the day that our fateful seats have been given to those keeping a position here. It is funny, and fun. None of us care about anything. There are actually people playing "Guitar hero" in the cafeteria. Everyone is packing, and going to long "good bye" lunches.

Others, are playing mock-basketball with 5 year old folders, and apathetically saying things like: "not working never felt so bad". Some people started throwing an orange ball around. A co-worker said: "laughy-time is over." and I said: "Wait? Let's play dodge ball!" and then it began:

- "Let's play laser-tag except with glue-guns, or staple guns!"

- "Let's play chicken!"

- "Let's play Hide-the-something!"

- "Let's chase down the guy with a long pony-tail and receding hairline who wears a size "S" black leather coat. I want to see him run."

-"Let's tell people what we really think of them, out loud."

- "Let's dress up in ONLY company shirts left in the storage closets."

- "Let's start crying and hugging people we never knew."

-" Let's play freeze-tag"-

-"Let's play red-rover and body check people when they half-arse jog towards us."

-"Quick! Let's see how many people fit into the lactation room!"

Not many people can get laid off and laugh the way I can. Everything has humor. Just wait...shite happens, and if you can't stop it; make it fun. Except if its diarrhea, or getting beaten, or sitting on Dirty uncle Sanchez's lap.

Carry on. As you were. We are not where we were....oh, but we will be. I think.

Occupational apathy leads to loose lips.

In an effort to make light of our reorganized company, and imminent unemployment (at least temporarily) a friend and I are up to no good. Again.

Things we said to a co-worker today when asked: "What are your thoughts?" (Really, we just asked each other in public meetings, or places and came up with new answers)

1. " I think the applesauce tastes a bit metallic, and I don't understand why I never see female train conductors."

2. "Well, Stanley, I was hoping you wouldn't ask me that. That is precisely why I was making this quizzical face, doodling, and then staring at Jeff over there on my left so you would ask him. He actually started his turn-over notes."

3. "I think it must be said....I prefer the old lite 93.9 with Phil Collins, Wilson Phillips, and Annie Lenox instead of Fresh 105.9. It just reminds me of my mother's old smelly Toyota with the broken ceiling fabric that would shred strange foam onto me as we drove around. Um....that makes me feel warm and fuzzy."

4. "Who cares let's go see a movie!"

5. "That intern thought Castro was oil....God save the world."

Things NOT to say in an interview: Radar Magazine

I love these guys! Todd Levin, Jason Roeder, Mike Sacks, and Ted Travelstead came up with 100 things NOT to say in a job interview. (March, 2008 Radar Magazine). A few of my favorites:

1. "Sorry I'm late. I could have sworn you said 'San Francisco'"
2. "Where I come from that kind of question will get you shot."
7. "Is Jesus considered a personal reference?"
19. "Think of me as the Hamburger Helper to your skillet of ground workload."
21. "Funny, everyone who reads my resume always hones right in on the manslaughter."
23. "Let's just cut to the chase: who and where is the office slut?"
35. "Lets try that again, and this time shake my hands like you’ve got a pair.'
38. "Allow me to answer that with a tambourine solo."
41. "I just need to make enough money not to hate myself for selling out."
48. "Sure, I value a diverse workplace. Your kind deserves a leg up."
53. "I'll take off this cap when the Cubbies win the series and not a day sooner" (YES)
66. "Why is your typewriter connected to your TV set?"
71. "If I could be a historical figure.....Skeletor."
81. "I can’t wait to blog about this job."
86. "I see, but its fine if a black person like you says it?"
91. "Each of my personalities will require its own compensation package."

I really think these guys are my new top 4.....I will investigate if I can love on them. They could giggle me' britches off.

John Mayer as Borat (thong baby)

I Love the Huffington Post for putting this picture up. I know it is invasive, I know that there are such better uses of my time, my space in the WWW and I could even be compassionate. I actually saw this the day it came out on http://thatsblogtastic.typepad.com/. For some reason, I didn't post the picture in respect for his privacy. I worried maybe some PR rep would can my site, or I would contribute to his humiliation. Then I realized no one cares. The Huff did it... I feel no shame. Who doesn't want to see John Mayer in a gripping, neon v-thong?I really would have imagined him to be a groomer...oh well.


Oh the regret! Maybe his millions make it ok. Who knows? HIS body was a wonderland that day.

That's a niicccccccccccccccce.

Oppurtunity and tools.

How many times a day do you remember the VERY thing you need, only to notice, it is sitting on the counter by the cable bill, under the electronics-caddy? Yeah...me too. A few things that come to mind:

1. My voice-recorder. When I have a great brainstorming idea that would make an incredible post. Since the VR was at home....this is what you get.

2. A personal cheerleader. When you recover from a terrible snow-spill by doing the "running-man" on ice.

3. Your Palm pilot full of all your numbers. (That you haven’t transferred to your phone). When you realize that "so-n-so" would totally remember that obscure movie reference that is tormenting your brain's memory.

4. The camera. On a perfect picture moment date or outing that could really be your next Christmas card.

5. The little book-reader light. After you have already washed your face, brushed your teeth, turned out all the lights, and gotten in to bed. Forget it. I will watch Letterman.

Top 3 Update for February.(Get'm Bed'm)

Now that I am feeling like myself again....I can think about men. So...
1.) Tom Brady - He will win the big game and make American History. I don't want to hear him speak or watch him be disgruntled about the praise he is getting. I just like to look at him, a physcial specimen handling all kinds of pressure and orchastrating 11 men whilst millions watch. That's sexy.








2.) Christian Bale: This man can ACT! I loved him in American Psycho, he was incredibly heroic in Rescue Dawn, and everything in between, including Batman. He just looks good. I think he smells good too. Like man-room, clean soap and leather. Sibi is a lucky little lady.



3.) Eric Dane: I miss Grey's Anatomy. Not because I love the way they repeat every word for emphasis, Not becuase I can't get enough of Dr. Gray and McDreamy having emo-power plays....Mostly because I miss looking at Eric Dane and his sweet steal eyes and pursed pink lips. This man is chemically imbalanced with testerone overload. Everything he does exudes sex.He could throw like a girl, trip over a rug corner, fall on his face and then mis use a cliche catch phrase all in the same minute, and still look sexy to me. His is probably the ONLY beard that I want to tickle me in oppurtunistic places. Hm....

In high school we named boys that we had crushes on in ranking order of possibility. "No arms" was someone you could never, under any circumstance, date. If the guy you really like was "out of arm's reach" this guy was ungettable. Hence, the term "No arms". Mine, in high school was a man named: Brad Norton. The misfortune and irony of how that played out is novel worthy. A sink. A senior. A loss for me. Then single, A bar in Boston on Boylston -no dice, then, a hardware store in Chicago, no dice. What are the odds that a crush reappears randomly in your life over 10 years only to show you life plays good jokes? I think he is married to a playboy sex-talk host...so it goes.

I should adjust my list....these are all "No arms", actually if the phrase had to be updated for these guys...it would be "No appendage". Yet...I think hard on it anyway. Yum Yum Yum.

3 things that feel fantastic when you're sick:

I have been "sick like dog" lately. Fever, runny nose....basically the tag line the Nyquil commercial. A few things have made me feel good during these cold/flu season:

1.) Burping. No joke. Burping (I am unable to do it voluntarily, so it comes as little surprise moments of reprieve) tickles a scratchy throat. I think it’s the air pressure, or the contraction of the larynx...who knows. Who cares? Burp a lot if you can.

2.) Neck-head rolls. I know I may look like I am some wanna-be-sexy-dancer that should be sitting open-legged on a backwards chair when I do this, but it somehow dislodges mucous from all sinus passage ways. Head hangs in front, then slowly (and with an open mouth) rolls to the right, back and then left and to the front. Doing it for about 2 minutes works well. Yep. I just let Mucous and sexy share a sentence. I'm crazy.

3.) Aquaphor. Maybe you know what this is, maybe you don't. It’s a liquid-based skin protect ant for burns, dry-skin, babies. Mostly used for infants. I put it on my daughter when the air is so cold her boogers freeze. So...I tried it all over my LIPS. Ahhhh...I looked like I had gone head first into a placenta sac, but it felt fantastic. There are few things worse than mouth-breathing your way to arid, cracked lips. Worse...I couldn’t laugh without bleeding. Now that should never be allowed. Laughing and bleeding. That’s like counter-intuitive torture.

The great grey skies of flu/cold fog parted this morning. I sound like a raspy cigarette-smoking Simpson's Aunt, but I can breathe again. I woke up, and both nostrils worked. My body wasn’t begging me to lie back down, and I actually felt inspired to do more than trudge through the day.

It makes me really grateful to be well. Perhaps getting sick is a small way of the world telling us to appreciate that we can breathe without discomfort, swallow without pain, and have enough energy to motor around all day? I also noticed the obscene over use of the word: "exhausted".
Exhausted is 2 days home with a 2 year old and 100+ fever.

Go be well. Be grateful if you are, and get better if you are not.

Interviews: What is your weakness? LIES!

Question: "What would you say....is your greatest weakness?

I protest this question, its too broad? Can I answer physically...like I can't run a 4-40, my backbends are pretty square? Categorically? Can I make it an existential thing and say that I have a daughter and I am a woman, and my father's name has died with him, wait, thats irrelevant. Well, my weakness is only the manifested fear of my greatest possibilty of emotional triumph failed, right? Maybe my weakness is not knowing what existential really means? Do you? Really? Wha'ts it all mean? Okay fine...

1. " I work too hard."

2. "I care too much"

3. "I am too hard on myself, and push my limits for minimal recognition."

4. "I abandon all other things in life, except my job."

5. "I pay too much attention to detail, and do it on mulitple projects, with limited supervision"

6. "I put others before myself too often"

7. "Sometimes, Ive been told, I close new business too quickly...so Im working on pacing myself.

8. "I dont keep up with all my sales goals because I stop paying attention once I triple them."

9. " I have no problem pointing my finger at the weak cog in the wheel or giving all credit to superiors."

10. "I take it personally when someone takes more than the alotted amount of sick days."

Here are some REAL ones I think I should offer:

1. I can't spell. Truly, its uncanny, my knowledge of the english language (and others) surpasses the norm, but I cant put the letters in proper order.

2. I do more work in less time, and use the superflous minutes to check off items on my personal to-do list.

3. I am impatient and actually start to tune people out when they bore me. Sometimes, I will even stop them from talking and say: "really? does this matter?" (not a crowd-pleaser)

4. I love my child more than this job, so I will put her first almost EVERY time the two are in competition.

5. I picture random men naked, on any given day, and that makes me uncomfortable sometimes.

6. I smell everything including the coffee you had this morning, and the onions you had last night.

7. I have worked for 8 years in corporate advertising/marketing and have only turned in 3 expense reports ( because they make me feel guilty) - 100% TRUE.

8. I cant think of any more weaknesses, thats a weakness.

Go be honest, see what happens. Okay, dont...but at least you will smile inside next time you are asked that question.

American Idol round up - Jan 30th 2008

Okay, I have waffled tonight, on putting anything up here for two reasons:

1.) I am so racked with shame for watching this portion of the show. (I love the actual contest, but this part is such a brutal waste of my time, energy, attention and I actually end up walking out of the room with embarrassment FOR the contestents.)

2.) the general footage of "losers" is so bad, they seem so entitled, and so delluded that I actually get frustrated with an entire generation instead of just these few that were edited to illicit that precise reaction.

I did laugh when Simon said to Shannon McGough: "So, you handle meat."
I did laugh when Randy couldnt stop giggling like Beavis when Richard Valles was singing Rascal Flatts. - and on that note: Did Richard sing: "I wipe my brown?" - cool.
I did laugh when a little birdy in my living room said: "I know Im going to be on a business trip one day and see that chick (Julie Dubela) on porn." - Sweet. Now I know what "business trips" are for.

My hopefuls from January 30:
Robbie Carrico or as I will call him: "Skid-row surfer dude guy"
Natasha Blach - because she killed an Etta James song. ("At Last")

In other news, and in a completley deplorable attempt to redeem some semblance of an educated, interested citizen of humanity...John Edwards has bowed out, Rudy Giuliani bowed out, and Arnold Schwarzenegger is endorsing Mcain.

American Idol - Jan 29, 2008

I could have watched CNN broadcasts like I have been for the past countless nights. I could have played scrabble, spent more time understanding the signals of today's consumer-led recession, studied grammatical prudence, or read "Save the Cat goes to the movies" but I didn't. I watched American Idol. I'm debating on who will be my crush for the AI season.

I am slowly but surely enjoying Ryan Seacreast. It is a strange attraction. He seems so little, but I want him in that you're-cute-and-I'm-familiar-with-you-now-so-let's-do-it kind of way. Jokes and fast wit (even when cheesy) really can butter me up.

Simon and his v-necks are killing me. If he hung his sunglasses on that sweater, they would be dangling past his dangle-parts. Its unbelievable, but I still want to smell his neck, and have him say dirty things to me. Okay. I have digressed deux times...

Observations and Predictions from AI-1/29 ( there weren't really any great quotes)

-Sarah Whitaker still has her toddler teeth.
-Samantha Sidly sounds amazing and I predict she will be in top 10. Little girl, big voice.
-Johnny Escamilla makes me want to lash myself for laughing at his hair. Guilt. Guilt. Guilt.
-Leo Marlow -future Top 20. Once he drops the vest. Hip Hip hooray for outta-the-closet boys from small towns in Iowa!


Off you go.

Strange observations that were made today:

1. A co-worker saw the hot pink/red elastic band around my wrist (I stole my daughters ponytail) and said: "Is that your Kaballah band?"

2. The little scroller on the mouse feels very much like a female part that will remain unnamed.

3. (that said...)I think everyone deserves to have a song with THEIR name in it played while their ex-lover is getting intimate with their new lover. Imagine if your name was "Layla" and right as your ex was peeling some panties down a woman's legs it piped out of the radio: "What are you doin' when your lonely?/No one waiting by your side/Like a fool, I fell in love with you/(blah, blah)... Layyyyyyla." Perfect. I wonder if that has ever happened to George Harrison?

4. I have a strange and unvalidated respect for women who drink Whiskey.

5. How obscure is TOO obscure when it comes to music tastes? I love High Fidelity, but do people even appreciate your knowledge at that point?

6. I think Christian Bale should be on my Top 3 now.

7. Men don't need nipples.

8. Love really does get easier to forget over time.

9. The lead singer of Counting Crows is not pleasant to watch sing. Either is Meatloaf, or Maroon 5 ( he is a petite man). It shouldn't factor in, but it does. Lyle Lovett...I could listen to him all day and night, but doesn't mean I want to look at him sweat.

10. 6 days until Tom Brady flexes his perfect arse around and beats down the Giants.

2008 SAG Award Sum up.... Winners: The year of incoherent speeches.

I was so excited to see Actors at an award show. The dresses, the red carpet, the un-rehearsed moments....But there are two things that stuck out: 1.) Hollywood as I knew it is getting older (not a bad thing) but I didn't notice until last night. and 2.) They need to practice speeches more.

Lets start with the results:
Outstanding Perf. by a Male Actor in a Leading Role: Daniel Day Lewis - There will be Blood.
Outstanding Perf. by a Female Actor in a Leading Role: Julie Christie - Away from Her
Outstanding Perf. by a Female Actor in a Television Movie or Miniseries- Queen Latifa
Outstanding Perf.by a Male Actor in a Television Movie or Miniseries- Kevin Kline
Outstanding Perf. by a Male Actor in a Supporting Role: Javier Bardem- No Country for Old Men.
Outstanding Perf.by a Female Actor in a Supporting Role: Ruby Dee- American Gangster
Outstanding Perf. by a Male/Female Actor in a Drama Series:Edie Falco, James Gandolfini
Outstanding Perf. by a Male/Female Actor in a Comedy Series: Tiny Fey, Alec Baldwin
Outstanding Perf. by an Ensemble in a Drama Series: "The Sopranos"
Outstanding Performance by an Ensemble in a Comedy Series: "The Office"

So..Let's talk about the whacky shite that went down...in list form :

1. What the FECK happened when Micky Rooney said that there was a "TIE" for Female in a mini-series?! There wasn't a tie. I am still trying to wrap my head around that. People are getting old.

2. Why do I always get Micky Rourke and Mickey Rooney mixed up? (I'm too young)

3. How old is Tom Selleck? Why does he seem so incapacitated? I'm not joking, Is he ok? There is no way that is what 60 looks like? I'm concerned. OKAY CORRECTION: It was Burt Reynolds. Damnit. I KNEW that. Like Mickey Rourke and Mickey Rooney....Tom Selleck, Burt Reynolds. (head hung in shame)

4. Is James Gandolfini just uncomfortable with crowds? or does he hate everyone? I couldnt tell if I should applaud his humilty or push a button to cause a forced blackout screen on him for his lack of gratitude. Things that make you say "Hmm?"

5. Ruby Dee was talking about her book? and laying names out there at panic random. Old. Tilda Swinton got robbed, Cate too. They at least played a role for more than 5 lines!

6. YEAH for The Office! I miss them. I miss Dwight and Michael and Pam...

7. Angelina Jolie is preggers ( maybe twins!)

8. Is it me, or did Tom Cruise seem so nervously angry and suspecting. I used to love him. He freaks me out.

9. Charles Durning's speech was sweet, funny and charming. Especially his openly nonchalant closing: "See you later." It felt so familiar and human. That's always nice.

10. How is it that the best speech came from Javier Bardem, and English is his second language?

I take nothing away from how incredible some of these Actors are at ACTING, but man is it clear, people need writers... It's fun. They make millions, they can take a little criticism on their inability to speak spontaneously under enormous pressure. If I got paid millions of dollars to work for 4 months, Id make it a priority to speak well in public...at the very least of my improvements.

Oh poo poo on you too! I am merely saying what YOU thought. I love them all. I jest. Take a joke. I will be old and bumbling too. Hell, I bumble now.