Sunday, March 30, 2008

March Madness indeed: Calipari, Curry and Shirley Mclaine.

Let's imagine the world was "right" in my mind. Calipari and Memphis win the NCAA championship game by beating UNC. Davidson's sweety clutch shooter-Stephan Curry would have been the one to take the 3-point shot in the final seconds of the Kansas-Davidson game tonight to put them in the final four, and Shirely Mclain (along with Angie Jolie and MK) would have been picked up by aliens during Larry King Live, allaying the alien naysayers and I would be living in a state of pure contentment and calm bliss.

Ahhh....oh well. Let's talk readers. First thing I need to say is "YEAH MEMPHIS!" Don't get me wrong, I love a good longhorn, but last time Coach John Calipari ( from the Pittsburgh area) made it to the final four as a head coach it was 1996. We were foolishly bouncing around to "Macarena", softly singing to Alanis Morrisette's "Ironic" and stomping around to "No Diggity". It was Atlanta, I was there, and Calipari was 37. Wow? (for reference Stephan Curry was 8.) I was talking to a friend of mine who played for UMASS that year, and when I told him I had Memphis in the final game, his reply was: "You might be the only one."

Sad really...Most people just see a team full of talent lead by a coach infamous for recruiting impeccable athletes only to stay on for a year or two and draft off to the NBA. All judgements from people outside the scope of his courts and training rooms aside, why were people doubting a team going into the elite 8 with a 35-1 record? History was made, this is the first time all 4 final four teams are number 1 seeds. (sardonic index-finger twirl with accompanying "whoopee.")I could ramble on about how UT tried the 2-3 zone and Calipari readjusted, how I wanted to throw a clipboard at Rick Barnes for pushing the hack-a-shaq to the final 20 seconds facing an unsurmountable lead... but chances are, you don't care. I don't get it. So lets talk about DAVIDSON!

1. Stephan Curry's mother is hot. (Sonya Curry, former volleyball player at Virginia Tech.)

2. Stephan Curry makes even the most apathetic basketball watchers get interested. He has heart, talent and incredible patience.

3. Did anyone else say: "Sasha-Kahn, Sasha-Kahn, Sa-sa-sa-ha Kahn"? ( every time Sasha Khan came on screen) Just me?

And lastly, what the hoo-hoo is Shirely Mclain talking about? I love her, I actually BELIEVE her. Either those pictures are spectacular uses of video editing, photo shop and CGI or some government has some pretty spunky technology we don't know about. I want to see Anderson Cooper and Erica talk about aliens. Coops could make a joke, Erica will giggle and wiggle and the world as I know it, could be set right again.

I am the queen of non-linear blogs and ill-matched material. I am fully accountable and unapologetic. It's me. I don't claim to be anything more than mildly entertaining on a good day. So,get out there Monday morning and use your wittiest verbs (manhandled, obliterated..etc), most cliched adjectives(work-horse,cream-machine), and best analogies to describe the likes of Derick Rose, Stephan Curry and....(wait for it)...

Sasha-Kahn. Sasha-Kahn. Sa-Sa-Sasha Kahn. No diggity. No doubt...

Saturday, March 29, 2008

Get creative for Earth Hour - 3.29.08 - 8:00pm

I was thinking there are all kinds of funny things I could throw out there..hippie references, obnoxious misuses of generators, or battery operated tools, but instead I give you these mildy amusing, yet charmingly childish ideas:




1.) Play "light as a feather, stiff as a board" then Quija board until someone cries!!!

2.) Crank call everyone you haven't talked to ( but still have phone #'s for) in the last 5 yrs.

3.) Text your siblings one long, lengthy, never-ending message about yourself for an hour.

4.) Play "guess what I'm writing-back-tickle" (trick) game.

5.) Stand at the window and practice Morris code with a flash light to people going by.

6.) Naked yoga. On the front lawn (or stoop). Write: "REAL light comes from within" on your chest.

7.) Sing "Alice the camel had 10 humps" or "999 bottles of beer" or the Freddie Kruger song.

8.) Go to some one's house who is NOT observing Earth hour and play Rock band.

9.) Play "just the tip" game in the dark with random friends and warm butter.

10.) Go get in your SUV and play "Love Train" as loud as you can before the cops come.


Eh. Not too shabby. Make it work, be good. Be safe. Be Earthy. I am.

Friday, March 28, 2008

Signs "Spring" should have been delayed a few weeks in order to manage our expectations:

I have no plausible reason why, but I am really not freaking out about the lack of Spring in Chicago. Maybe I have given up hope for warm days, and figure I will enjoy it when they come, but dreading snow and cold doesn't get me closer.(That's surprisingly rational for me..) Maybe its because I am having monkey sex every day (ha, I'm not, who? with whom? help.See how lies get so convoluted?) Maybe simply knowing this is the 7th inning stretch of winter leading us to "THE YEAR OF THE CUBBIES". (shameful baseball reference)...sorry. Wow. Three sets of parenthesis, and we just got started.

1.It's so cold and snowy on baseball's opening day, that the topless hairy bleacher guys have been replaced by...topless hairy bleacher guys.

2. I have to be very careful to put plastic bags over my feet post-pedicure so they don't get smudged by the fur in my UGG snow boots.

3.The Cherry Blossom festival sounds more like a sale at "Bath and Body Works" than an actual road-trip worth taking to Washington DC.

4.No one is falling in love randomly on the streets simply because people are back on the streets. God, I miss those days. You smile at everyone merely for being physically present on the streets of Armitage or Michigan Ave.

5.Only the nasty-smelling smokers with long nails have their windows open . And even still, its only cracked enough to give absolutely no identifiable escape of smoke for them, but allows just enough to sneak in through my heater vents while parked behind them at the lights..bastards.


6. The false security of last weeks warmth commited a genocide on lady bugs statewide. Nature is cruel. Beware. (also note: Groundhogs everywhere are being tortured and shot upon sighting)

7. The most common question I hear lately is: "Why do I live here again?" Followed swiftly by lightly-veld empty pleasantries, plans to take a mini-vacation, or compliments on each other's winter coats. We don't dare ask how you are....we know.

8. The mere presence of sunshine ( even if only 30 degrees) elicits the high schoolers ( and age-inappropriately dressed suburban moms) to plunge into the frigid streets in mini-skirts or flip-flops.

9. WGN's Tom Skilling reported that this years Chicago 07-08 snowfall, has officially made it into the Top 7 seasons to reach over 60" of snow. Even though it's entirely not his fault, Tom Skillet has federal protection from locals.

10. The deeply fulfilling, tummy-warming, environmentally-charged sexual yearning to co-mingle and flirt (aka "sprhorny feeling") has yet to implode within us and sprinkle the city/world with pheromones. Instead, we are still eating high-fat, high fructose foods and drinking dark beer and wine.

C'mon people. Let's will spring to come. I need some SPRHORNY in my life...Don't you?

Thursday, March 27, 2008

More quotes from the movie: Definitely, Maybe!!!

All you had to do is ask! Another movie by myself, another list of great quotes just for you!!! I still liked it the second time around. Maybe I'm just a girl that loves the 90's, and snarky fast-talking wit. Every daddy issue was covered in this one...well played. Yet, I laughed and cried. Like Joni Mitchell says: "It's the same release." When it's snowing 4 days before the month of April begins...that's just what I need. Enjoy. I took notes in the dark, so correct me if I am off on anything. I love Ryan Reynolds....

April: “I’m not apathetic. I just don’t think I have to have an opinion about everything.”
Will: “Fine, you are nothing.”

Will: “I shouldn't have read the diary. It’s like Pandora’s hot sexy box.”

April:(after mock proposal) “No, you are asking me to join a group institution that fails as often as it succeeds, for no other reason besides to fulfill some bourgeois notion to fulfill this society’s capitalistic agenda.”

Will: “I’m happy, I’m good.”
April: “Really? Why do I feel like I should hide the razors?
Will: "This song is an excellent cure for the will to live."

Summer: “You look so manly”
Will: “yep. That’s the aim.”

Will: “Whenever I figure out whatever it is I’m supposed to learn from all this, I will write you a letter.”

April: (on relationships) “Forget about the “real” deal. You don’t find it, it finds you…you know, when you are ready for marriage, a mortgage…(other examples)...the person that you are with THEN is the one.

Will: “So, it’s not WHO; it’s WHEN?”

Will: “Your shit is a mess. You’re a mess. You could do anything, anything, and you work in a bookstore. At least I tried; I went out there and tried. As a friend, maybe you should get some help, some life rehab."
April: "Life Rehab?"
Will: "I don’t even know if they do that, but if they do I think you could be a prime candidate.”

What a clever way to slip "hot sexy box" into the script. Love it.

For my full review Click Here

Foolish Kindness: Make someone feel good today!

"I've learned that people will forget what you said,people will forget what you did,but people will never forget how you made them feel." -Maya Angelou

This has always been one of my favorite quotes. I want to be kind today. You all know I practice yoga daily, but my new thing (over the past six months) has been meditation. Its a simplistically, intrinsically, almost impossible act of self awareness and controlled quiet. I usually spend the last 20 odd minutes of my mindful energy sending out love and kindness or calm and forgiveness or sexual energy (hey, I'm being honest) to the people I love, or have loved, or am trying not to love.

It's a bizarre process. Awkward and scary sometimes to see what pops up on the mind's big-screen when you stop the "chatter" and the noise of all the happenings from yesterday (which can't be changed), and the to-do list for today(which can really throw priorities. Think: importance vs. urgency) and the not knowing of what is to come (which will happen come what may).

I love to be funny, I do. I try really hard most of the time, other times it comes easy. I make jest of all types of things. We all do, its survival. We need to laugh in order to sustain the daily grind, the pressure, the balance, and the constant under toe. I don't have much to give, but I give you this...

Today is a day among many that may seem superficial, or mundane. Maybe you forgot to switch the laundry, or you have five back to back meetings. Perhaps there is no "thing" in the near future to look forward to, perhaps you are lost or living in great love. Whatever you are doing today be grateful if you can. Be kind to everyone you encounter. Try it. Whats the down side?

Be kind because energy flows from us to each other. We are made to feed and reverb from one another. Know that today is a gift and every one that follows holds the possibility of serving you in the deepest possible way...in the simplest way. Be kind to yourself and hold it as a reflective mirror, not to ponder yourself, your place, your motives...but to reflect self-kindness out to the world with the purity of a child without the taught fear and judgment. Make people feel good without the expectation of reciprocation, the same way we once knew when we were good to people because it felt nice.

You may be surprised how much comes back. If nothing else, you will feel better knowing you threw it out there. ( I don't apologize. Im spreading love today. I'm all stocked up on sarcasm...more from that vault tomorrow)

Keep it simple. Be mindful but be youthfully foolish with kindness.

Shimmy, shimmy, plie-pas de poisson, star-jump, giggle, hip-sway powder-dust sprinkle, heal-toe(hands on hips) kick-step, bounce, twirly- pop, kiss-blow.... You have been lulu loved!

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

American Idol top 10 birth year songs 3.25.08

People? What is happening? I think that there is a worm hole that got dug out in the universe last week, and no one told me. I am stuck in this fuzzy bad dream-like reality. Can you read this? Am I here? Phone home....ping me, pinch me, poke me with a stick. (ewww.)

Randy was sick and crabby. I think I saw him tumbling past me in the worm hole of muck and dust. Now, Paula looks like she got drop-kicked and humped by the Tasmanian devil. Is her dress supposed to look torn? Did her left eye some how get pushed closer to her nose? I love him, but what color is Simon? Is that a makeup choice, burnt orange with a tinge of...orange? I think my men from Radar Magazine should come up with "100 ramifications of self-tanner."

Ramiele Malubay was a bad karaoke song again. Jason Castro sang Sting.It was sweetly mediocre, which is disappointing. I want him to do well, and I can't help but picture his scrotum. I don't know what that is?Perhaps because he is always perched on a stool, and the camera angle is centered there somehow. I keep thinking they have dreads and blue eyes. Weird.

Syesha Mercado knocked out "I am your woman". Chikeze sang "if only for one night" and felt reminiscent of my dreamy evenings of Jazz nights at Navy Pier. He did well. I wanted a warm lake breeze and a man to slow-jazz-two-step with. Well done Chiky. (yep I said: "Chiky")

Brooke White also sang The Police. She was flat and didn't impress anyone. She seems quite uncomfortable in her own skin most times,but in an affable sweet way. Don't get me wrong, I'm not comfortable in my own vicinity most times, so no judgement here. Singing was OK.

Michael Johns sang Queen. He can sing. He might have even rocked my doubt a little. I thought it started out pretty commercialized "Rock Jams!" for me, but he actually killed it and set the teen girls on fire. Nice.
Carly Smithson sang "Total eclipse of the heart". She sang well, but I was completely distracted by her air hump. It was nasty, seriously? She got into that like a soft porn. I felt like the music was not quite up to par with her voice. Bizarre. David Archuleta sang some Aussie song, and it sounded the scene from "40 year old virgin" when Michael McDonald is on the jumbo screens.

Christy Lee Cook said she remembers singing at two. No. No she doesn't. She didn't come out of the womb smiling either. Let me take her into an OBGYN room, let's count how many people are smiling in that moment. Anywho, she sang "God bless America". Hey guys? Did anyone else picture the movie cartoons from "Team America: World Police" whisper-singing..."Ammmmerica.....F*ck Yeah."? I did.

David Cook sang "Billy Jean". It was fantastic, he made it his own. That's all quite beautiful and creative, but being that I have been cosmically traveling. I am here to tell you, he ( like all super-talented and beautiful people : Angelina Jolie, Michael Jackson, Tiger Woods,etc...) is an alien. I don't normally like to exploit baby pictures, but this is my proof. Nano. Nano.


...And just so you know, I mentally threw an open tampon box at Randy because his foul mood was oozing through the TV.
Hold me? Office starts on April 10th. (phew)

Monday, March 24, 2008

Erica Hill and Anderson not so flirty, but a little dirty.

So...You all know that I am a HUGE fan of Erica Hill and Anderson Cooper on Anderson Cooper 360. Tonight, sadly, was a little disappointing. A couple things....


1. Whoever produced tonight's show coined a portion of the show: "Digging Deeper". Eh?

2. Not fun dirty: Who approved the graphic for the Obama segment? This is silly, just silly. Not even funny silly. AC!? Don't pander to the over-sensationalized media obsession with Obama, his pastors and a hidden agenda to keep things "interesting". This isn't. The Pastor on the screen shot is NOT Obama's. Obama has never been to this guys church sermon, and although it may be an affective sound byte from Easter service, it just isn't relevant. This guy is NOT Reverend Wright. Leave the dead beaten horse. Move on. It's just lame. Can we talk about what matters? Really.

3. Fun dirty: Dick is inside a Bunny. This is the little cute moment where Anderson makes fun of Erica doing a "bob" or a "wiggle" or a "bounce" during the cheesy music. Readers/Bloggers write a caption about the picture of the day. This was funny. Bush and a bunny. Well played.





4. How could we not take a moment to really look at these two? I love them. They even smile sarcastically in the exact same way. It would be great genetic melding. Seriously, its becoming a bit of a vicarious need. They are onto me though. The flirting is waning. I will it for tomorrow night. I will some saucy innuendo and borderline boundary-jumping intimacy. I need to experience it....even if by proxy.

Just look at her eyes, take if from me, raised-eyebrows basically say: "Let's do this"....she is saying: "Anderson, I want you to dig deeper, put me in a bunny suit and hop on my little cotton tail."
Ha cha cha.

Feel Mad? Bad or Blue? Play Rockband.

I have found a new outlet for my angst against the world and my small population of sadists (in my head and out). I discovered the beauty of slamming wood on plastic and getting shin splints from a kick-drum. Seriously. Even though up to four people can play guitar, base, sing and bang drums, my "solo" career as "lulu hotass" is working well for me.

I can kill "Maps" by the yeah yeah yeahs and pull a 98% on The Rolling Stones. I have a new (and sort of unfounded) respect for drummers every where. I feel like my brain is being split three ways. It is like tapping your nose while circling your head and holding the "tree" pose in yoga.

What made it really interesting: I refused to play "Easy". Pft. Nothing easy is worth achieving....right? and I refused to do a tutorial. Wasted time? Sure it was, but psychological babble would call that evasion, created chaos and transference. Oh yeah......Who wants to be sedated when you can bang it out! (wow, I sound crazy.)

Seem weird? It is. I admit it. Something about the musicality of it, veils the childishness of playing a video game when my daughter goes to sleep. The fact that the pallet of skin color choices varies enough to cover my shade of "brown" masks the idiocrity of creating a character with such attention to detail. Besides, I can play Eric Johnson's "Cliffs of Dover" in my sleep. I needed something new. You can bet your drumstick I will have dropped the hobby come warm weather, but for now, it helps.

Judge away. Hell, I'll even admit I hit my wooden sticks in the air for the rock-chick click and yell random rockisms at my flat screen. I have no shame. It works. I FEEL BETTER after playing, and ladies and gents, that helps the whole little world I deal with spin a little less madly. Try it...you'll see.

"Waiiiit. They don't love you like I love you. Waiiiiiit. They don't love you like I love you..." red, blue, blue, green, green, (kick drum)green(kick drum), red-blue,blue, blue(kick drum).

Oh, stop guffawing and go kick one out!

Spelling is for sissies.

In today's day and age of instant gratification response in all facets of communication, it can be pretty easy to mispell words. In fact, there are times, I am typed a message either on text or IM that is incomprehensable. I decided to have some fun with it.

Words that have recently been invented from other ( mispelled) words:


1. Disporve (n.): a warm indistinct egg dish your great grandmother serves. Origins: "Disapprove"
ie: "Here you go Gordon, here is the disporve du jour a la jus, just like you like it. You don't need salt."

2.Hganing tou (n.): the reminants of a an adult circumcism. Origins: "Hanging out"
ie: "hganing tou makes for a good soup stock in some countries."

3. Vloe (v.): The act of attempting fallatio and failing miserably to the point of just looking up and saying: "sorry" with your eyes. Origins: "love"
ie: "I totally got vloed last night by my sister's friend. I think she is figuring out her braces."

4.Flediggin: (adj): the attribute of being Irish and well spoken in ebonics simultaniously. Origins: "Fledgling"
ie: "Those flediggin dudes are meeting us at Bennigan's again, yo."

5.Toughth (v.): the act of agreeing to not ever mention an embarrassing encounter witnessed by yourself and someone else. Origins: "Thought"
ie: "We pinky swore and toughth after we broke his bed doing unspeakable things with EZ Cheez."

Be afraid...be very afraid. What you mean might not be what you send. Type with caution.

I'm sorry. All examples are completely fictional. I will be much better after American Idol.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Live each day...as if it were the LAST THREE MINUTES of an NCAA Tourney Game!

Let's sing: "Spring is in the air...the birds are chirping (record scratch) Snow is everywheeerrre." I would complain, but I really don't mind. We built a self-ironic snow bunny with attitude in the yard,the sun is shining, and NCAA basketball is in full force.

I have decided (while watching the WVU vs DUKE game)that I am going to proceed through the rest of my days until April 7th as if I were a collegiate basketball player.

-Anytime I make a statement, ask a question or prove a point, I am going to follow it up with a five-clap pattern. "Eat your prunes kiddo. Clap-Clap-CLAP!CLAP!CLAP!"

-Next time I am at the grocery store and an old lady cuts in line to put her Metamucil on the conveyor belt, I'm going to shuffle step into a HUGE lunge-leap forward over her blue hair and swat the SHITE out of it, and then bounce three times while yelling "NOT IN MY LANE!!!"

-I am going to wear a whistle and blow it at anyone not following rules that are prudent to my convenience. An example would be when I am in the passenger seat of a car and the driver is trying to make a left turn against on coming traffic, but doesn't go when there is a clean break. I will proceed blowing the whistle until he/she goes.

-If anyone says anything I don't like, or accosts my olfactory sensory (drug-store perfume, axe man's spay or pepperoni... for example) I will throw a hand behind my head and the other arm pointing to them to signal an "OFFENSIVE FOUL" while blowing my whistle.

-Instead of handing any cashiers money during typical transactions. I will head-fake left, step back 21 feet and drop a 3-point-like shot of money at her/him...just rain down coins and bills with a fade away wrist.

-I am going to wear a red LED clock that will institute a 30 second time limit to make your point or story to me, if you exceed it, you get BUZZED. Talk fast. I do.

-Next time anyone comes in for unsolicited snuggles, touching or affection, I am going to drop a shoulder, throw an elbow out and pull a shimmy-round move so I can dribble my intimacy issues off to some alone time.

Get into the game!!! Let's go Wisconsin. Clap.Clap.Clap-clap-clap!

RADAR Magazine: "147 Signs you're in the wrong relationship".

It's that time, and they have done it again. Mike Sacks,Scott Jacobson, Todd Levin, Jason Roeder, and Ted Travelstead did a doozy this month for Radar Magazine with "147 Signs you're in the wrong relationship".

A few of my favorites:

4. You finish each other's silences.

6. She started couples counseling with another man.

7. That big line of duct tape down the center of your bed.

12. Even your mutual orgasms now tend to be sarcastic.

26. For your one-year anniversary, he bought you a copy of He’s Just Not Into You

33. More and more, you’re feeling abandoned. Usually as you run after your wife’s car.

36. She won’t tell you why all her friends call her “The Guzzler”

55. Your response to “Does this shirt make me look fat?” is “No, you make it look fat”

61. Your partner makes vague, ominous remarks such as, “I’m leaving for my sister’s house on Tuesday morning at 9:30 and never coming back.”

62 Out of nowhere, the cashier at the grocery says, “Don’t worry, five inches is almost average.”

116. You start indulging in behaviors you know will irritate your partner—belching, smoking,
human trafficking

126. You’re a member of ’70s-era Fleetwood Mac

146. The “sandwich” she’s named after you: a Vienna sausage loosely placed in an over sized Pita pocket


CLICK HERE to see the full list.

Friday, March 21, 2008

Things to be happy about RIGHT NOW:

A few of you have asked for an updated list of things to be happy about. I find it slightly peculiar that I am somewhat of a wishing well for happy thoughts. Maybe more ironic. That said, I am a giver and a pleaser with guilt and "saying no" issues. Score for you! Nonetheless, a great place to start a day: Happy.... "Schlemiel, schlimazel, hasenpfeffer incorporated!"


1.) Being right. I got 12 of 16 of NCAA picks right! There was a point where I was rooting for Belmont (even though I have Duke going pretty far) but my reasoning was irrational. I thought it was "sweet" that they didn't even have their names on their uniforms, and that Mathew Dotson kid out of nowhere dropping three's. I love this game.

2.)MORE GAMES ALL DAY TODAY!

3.) Peeps. (the little yellow sweet ones, not to be mistaken for an Ebonics reference) Especially if you open the packaging halfway and let them get a little stale so they are hard. Yummy.

4.) French kissing. I haven't done it in months (whatever, at least I'm honest!) but I dream about it a lot and it feels nice then. Get out there and kiss someone slowly, barely use your tongue and don't make slapping saliva sounds.

5.) The breathless anticipation of something good. Like when the lights go down in a movie theatre, or a phone number you've been hoping for appears on your phone, or the smell of chocolate chip cookies.

6.) Spare Time. Not unlike the minutes you are spending reading this silly blog, and not having to walk barefoot for miles to get rice and water like the smiling woman in the picture. Seriously, pull back, gain some perspective and be trivial with your time with total awareness and gratitude.

7.) A great mood lifting song that comes on the very minute you need it to like: "I feel it all" by Fiest, or "Solsbury Hill" by Peter Gabriel, or "Night Moves" by Bog Seger. Who doesn't scream: "I re-mem-ber!, I re-mem-ber!, I re-mem-ber! Looooooorrrrd I remember! Ooooooooo...aaaaaaaaa....yeah yeah yeah, uh-huh. uh-huuuh..." in their car when this song comes on? Fine, just me. You're missing out.

8.) Spinach Artichoke dip. Oooooo. Don't attempt number 4 after this though.

9.) Getting or giving real hugs. Not the side-squonch, triple-pat kind. The ones that feel like energy conductors for love and sincerity. Go give one today. Shite, go give two!

10.)Smiling at a stranger and seeing that it comes right back, and usually with surprise.

There you have it. I don't know about you, but I plan to go find a stranger watching the NCAA tourney to gloat to, smile at, real hug, french kiss and sing a Bob Seger song with.

Go spread it.....spread it thick. It's good (happy) Friday.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Spring (emotional) willing for warmer days.


Ahhh....The first day of spring. A vernal equinox, which in a name, is quite disappointing. That sounds like something with a lit scope in a gastric-entomologists' hand. I would rather call it the fuzzida beginus, you know...The first full moon to cast a milky glimmer over the water.


There is a tremendous amount of pressure to feel bloomy and beautiful when the world reawakens. I still feel sleepy with long nights and old pains. I too wish the air was warm enough to radiate back to me, but instead it is cold.


So I put on a scarf of love today. I put on a warm sweater of hope to protect my heart. I put on some boots to wade through the heavy high shallowness of others. I slip on my mittens to ward off the chill of being forgotten. I beckon them to hold it together one more time, to conceal my callous.


I imagine, instead, that I am soft and warm laying on a messy pile of gently-worn belongings. Occupiers of my heart's closet. I take each one out, re organize and bargain myself to not throw them, but I do. "Fear of unknown t-shirt that is faded and torn", "silly-love jeans with too many strings fraying" or "yellow, worn rain-coat for crying". Gone. Dust lifting and recollecting on the sides of where my bare feet have made a path.


The air is trying. Warmness baits me to be better, to look forward, to be gentle with the changing of every season. The hope of it entices me to lean in with my face, both hands behind me to steal a kiss from a hot day ahead.

I hang on. Despite the impending snow and cold. I hang on with faith. A building belief that willing good things can level the fear of empty and refill the open spaces with love.


Tuesday, March 18, 2008

American Idol Beatles night...Again - 3.18.08


It's that special night....Tuesday in March. Another season of American Idol down to 11. Something about watching this show primes me for spring, and the end of cold nights where Id rather be sitting on my couch with a candle burning instead of on the patio with a cocktail. By popular demand, we are revisiting The Beatles. I thought my ex-boyfriends were old, but some of them were just in 1st grade when they disbanded. I love perspective. So here we go, the economy is on a slow ride to recession, fed cut rates again, McCartney gave Mills 48.6M in a divorce settlement, and Ryan Seacrest still sleeps with women.

Kristy Lee Cook sang "You've got to hide your love away" which she picked because the "title sounded good". Firstly, can we say LOW CUT mini-dress. I would say cleavage, but they (her boobs) are so young and perky that they aren't smooched together yet. Her singing was in the wrong key. It was monotonous and a bit like a nagging low key karaoke. Blue eyeshadow and sparklers. Simon said: "It's like musical wall paper."
Out of context (dirty) comment from her: "I can blow you out of your socks and you know it."

David Achuletta sang "The long and winding road. " I love him, but when he speaks, he sounds like one of those women on witness protection with blacked out faces and mechanically lowered whisper-octaves in interviews. That boy can sing....and lick his lips. Simon said: "That was masterclass.

side note 1: I want Paula's teeth.

Michael Johns sang "A day in the life". He hit a terrible frog-note, but nailed the rest of it. He is so hot to me, but he looks like he smells like Bologna and sun tan lotion. Like the guys in Miami. Simon said: "It was a mess." Paula blamed his poor singing on having an ear-piece in, but he didn't have an ear-piece in. Ouch.

Brooke White sang "Here comes the sun". Bright in yellow and fun curly hair. She did a twirl that looked a little like Popeye's olive oil. I think she was trying to put more energy into the song than one person flailing can. She is my favorite, but you can't jig down to this song without looking like a preschool teacher or a nudist colony dancer.

David Cook sang "Day Tripper". This guy can sing and rock. I really thought him more the type to be a production designer or Jimmy Johns sandwich maker with a little flair, but he is turning out to be legitimate. he did his Peter Frampton voice-box thing. (eh?) Simon said he looked a bit "smug" throughout.
Out of context (dirty) comment from Ryan: "Let me just grab you."

Carly Smithson sang "blackbird". One of my FAVORITE songs. I love the fake tweeting birds (on the record). She was good at singing it. She should fire her stylist for putting her in that horrendous blouse. She can blow. Way better than Miss Lee Cook, I suspect. Randy said: "Very emotive." She did get a little carried away with the plight of the blackbird.

Jason Castro sang "Michelle My belle". I hate that name. Seriously, with passion, no offense. Nothing against you if it's your name.I just do. It's not your fault. It sounds so 80's, with feathrered hair and a fupa (n. "Foo-paw" fat upper pelvic area). Okay, lets talk about how sweet he sounded. Well played. Paula said he has a "very distinct charm". He does. I want to brush his hair and rip out his eye lashes and Eskimo kiss him.

side note number 2: This show is like that second date you SHOULDN'T have taken. Its a little forced, a lot strange, and about halfway through you were hoping to get explosive diarrhea for a valid excuse to call it a night.

Syesha Mercado sang "Yesterday". Hm? I was mesmerized by her peacock earrings and her breasts. As Randy would say: "Good looking out". She did well with the song and it was very well done. Simon said it was her "best performance by far."

Chikeezee sang "I just seen a face". He did fine for the first half, then ended up possessed by Tina turner being possessed by a cowboy at rodeo night. Simon said "I actually thought it was gimmicky."

Okay, thanks America for voting for a second night of The Beatles. Allllllllllllllllll done. I should have had a one night stand and drank heavily if I was going to end up with this unfulfilled empty feeling and a headache.

10 Things you don't want to hear after saying "I love you."


So, I have been known to throw love around. Depending on my mood, the weather, the last song I heard on my ipod...you know. I'm stable. Just like you. I was thinking, there are some things you don't want to hear/read when you say "I love you." to someone. Here are a few. I could come up with 100's...


1.) "Thanks."


2.) "I kind of envisioned that NOT being said."


3.) "Funny you mention that, I love my wife."


4.) "You don't love me, you just love my lack of subjectivity"


5.) "..............(crickets)..............."


6.) "Prove it bitch, get on your hands and knees."


7.) "I don't get it, are you asking a question? I hate being backed into things."


8.) "Really? Already?"


9.) "That's nice, now put the rabbit head back on."


10.) "Awe me too....like a sister!"

Monday, March 17, 2008

Dismal horoscope gets re-written.

I am NOT a horoscope fan. Have I had my palms read? Yes. On Clark street, and she said that my sister had a voodoo hex on me that would wash off with talc on soap and some myrrh.(right) and that I would marry the love of my life and have two sons. Well, I'm not discounting that completely, anything is possible, but last time I checked my mini had a woo-woo.

By some cosmic convergence of boredom and irrational curiosity, I was banging around the pages of facebook, Google and such, and found a horoscope page. I'm a Virgo or the anti-Virgo. Actually, as my life has proven, I am the geometric midpoint between the two lines that form the grey sub line between the descriptions of pretty much anything.

Here is my horoscope for tomorrow:

"There is probably a bit too much going on today for you to process all at once, so try to record as much as possible for later. Things should settle down really soon and get much better"

Now, how in the feck am I supposed to interpret that? I am a pretty analytic person. (surprise) I will translate it. "The shittith will hittith the fan tomorrow, so we suggest you block what you can out, in order to survive your day. Things wont get better immediately, but the panging misery will turn to a slow and steady ache."

Wooooooo hooooooo. Bring on tomorrow! I think I am going to rewrite my own horoscope, if you want I can write yours too:

"Today will be filled with all kinds of mudane, you will get dressed, and go to the regular place you go to during the day, but somewhere between the early morning and mid day you will be faced with three decisions. Make the second one with great care, it will define how you love life will pan out. The lunar cycles of Mercury will let loose a fire of ambition in you, and you will cease to procrastinate on that special project that has been nagging you. Tie up loose ends and you will be rewarded with a sub-par opportunity to make room for more nagging tasks. The world is your oyster and you are the slimy blob trying to not get slurped down by the horny hungry suckers of mediocrity. You are the master of choice today. Be great. If you cannot be great today. Tomorrow will be filled with all kinds of mundane..."

Or....to be the positive me (the above was the negative me) :

"Everything you need is already within you. By letting go of fears and minor complaints, the beauty of what can become a great day lies within your heart and willingness to be open and up for the task of staying cheery. A few things will be challenging, but your bright smile and fast thinking will keep you on your feet. Thus, making you better prepared for the love and light that will land all around your magnetic pull for good...Oh! and exciting love of a new kind is around the corner (maybe a bed' em contender!)"

I am NOT reading anymore horoscopes. HESUS. Go write your own now, before its too late!

Sunday, March 16, 2008

A girls' guide to March Madness brackets

Whaaaaa Whaaaaa Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?
I am so excited my skin is buzzing. So it is widely known that men generally enjoy March Madness, but women really SHOULD too. After all, it has our two innate attributes: Competition and the chance to be RIGHT! (63 times) It can give "Sweet Sixteen" a whole new meaning. Seriously, Stay with me.

What makes me a credible source to guide a gal through this man-fest of ups and downs, eliminations and upsets? Nothing. Well, next to nothing. Let's see. I have a long history of following basketball, only because I fell in love with it eons ago, or at least a healthy smattering of its players. My first valentine came from a pro-ballers son, Moses Malone. (Nice) I worked at a Kenny Smith camp in Texas where...I had crushes.

Then came high school, and the love for my high school sweetheart. That is when I dug in and learned...solely to seem knowledgeable and interested at first. You know the term "fake it to make it"? I mastered that, and some other things. Eventually it worked, and dribble, bounce, boingo! In a few weeks I understood screen plays, box and one formations,penetrating the D, the Hack a Shaq, the full court press, and mechanical techniques of the wrist. (oh stop, I'm still talking about the game). I've been hooked ever since.

So, with my lacking and limited knowledge I bestow a few little nuggets of bracket choosing knowledge. I will be concise here. I know you probably don't really care. You probably just want to look cool in front of your new boyfriend, or co-workers. By all means, go ahead. I did it. No judgement here.

1.) Seed = ranking and its based on their conference. blah blah blah. you get it. I wont insult your intelligence: 1 is "better" than 16.

2.) A number 16 team has NEVER beaten a number 1 team. So, don't plan your upset in the first round with a number 1 ranked team. I will repeat more clearly, put all your number 1 teams on the second line. That simple.


3.) Lucky number 9. Number 9 teams tend to do well against number 8 teams, make sure you have at least ONE winning that game.


4.) Play pretty safe ( if you want to seem at all aware of the game). Stick with big name teams, even if you went to Drake. Maybe they go to the sweet sixteen, but be careful of your heart getting away from your head. Sorry. I'm a chick. I have this problem DAILY.


5.) Get into it. This is a really fun way to engage with the man in your life. Stakes are a great way to make it more personal. Throw down some girly stakes, most likely he will bite. (IE: "If Villanova beats Clemson I will do that funky ______ you like.") You get it.


If you have any doubts, ask a female basketball player. That is your best bet. They know their shizzle. Okay. Well. Best of luck, play big and get lucky!

To get the full brackets for 2008:
CLICK HERE

Love it! If you don't, pretend you do. Start by yelling some of the following at the TV:

"Can he do that?!"
"Seriously!? That was a flagrant foul!"
"See, that's why I think "shuffle" is better than "continuity". These guys aren't tall. I could block their point guard!"
"Pass it!"
"Easy buckets guys (say this calmly), don't be a hero." (say this annoyed)

Ha Cha Cha....Ladies and ballers, let's ball.

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Lifehouse at HOB in Chicago on St. Paddys Day.

Typical Saturday night for me. (lame) It started with me making chicken for my daughter, watching a little bit of Bee Movie, and then random TV. I am a geek that lands on WTTW (pbs) late at night, and tonight I struck gold. A couple things:

1. I have a huge crush on Jason Wade, who is younger than me, and went through a weird "Hanson-looking" phase in 2001, but nonetheless hot and well-equipped with a rusty, scratchy soothing voice.He even looks good in skinny BLACK jeans... Black!

2. When they closed the show (on sound stage) with "Broken". My heart melted. It's the kind of song that actually made me WISH I had some unresolved pain and ache to process through this song. Seriously? When does that happen? That you love a song so much you which you had accompanying hurt!? I have to say it feels good to NOT be crying, or angry. But damn, I wish I would have discovered this song at an earlier stage. Oh well. Its not all lost on me.

3. I am a complete cheese ball for this. I know, I stake my claim of it. I am the age-inappropriate 30-yr old tripping teens to get to the front, to sway and eye-sparkle like the rest of the hypnotized goon-girls. Let the music gurus that like to point out my "amateurness" hammer away at their keyboards and email me death threats for not knowing "true musicality" or having loved Vampire Weekend before SPIN had them as the cover.. Judge away. I like these guys (and Vampire Weekend). I do. Deal.



I have decided that my future-second husband will be a weepy, dark and forlorn guitarist singer-songwriter. (what? It won't happen, just saying...I need to be specific) I literally freeze in time at the spectacle of a man actually dealing with, and articulating emotions. I have seen it before, but add six strings, a whammy, and a little drum brush...and I am all wobbly and wiggly inside.

Umm...How have I never had a song written for me? So I will pretend:

"I am damaged at best/ like you've already figured out/I'm falling apart/barely breathing/with a broken heart/that's still beating/in the pain there is healing/in your name/ I find meaning"

Get into the "A-list" Jason, and you qualify for the Bed em' game. Let's do this!

Man-girdle!? The end is near.

I was reading the Wall Street Journal today, and saw an article about Man-girdles. I realize that we live in an ageist, youth-obsessed, beauty loving society. But when do we take to the streets and start fighting against this absurdity?


A quote from the article: "Robert Verdie, 39, says he began craving a so-called 'mirdle' or man-girdle, recently after starting to develop a 'muffin-top.'" Oooooooooooooooookay. That, just about does it. "Undergear, body shaping brief"?! Cutting off female spanks to make an "elongated tube top"?!

I am hanging onto the fact that tight fitting everything is a phase, that men will soon let go of the male camel toe, and calf-hugging pants, and get into the next craze. I actually can't believe I'm saying it, but I'd prefer the comeback of parachute pants before mirdles. Thing is, we have to stop somewhere, men AND women have to get a grip. We are getting older, fatter, and wrinklier. Our hair will turn grey, or fall out, and we will be left with our personalities and god-forbid who we really are when all that "purdy" stuff is gone.

I am okay with that. I'm not a sexiest, men have every right to want to use whatever tools and means possible to feel better about themselves, but we are getting to the point where there isn't a vain less sex anymore. Are we moving towards a day where there will be a men's makeup counter? Men's intimate apparel? I don't know, call me a hypocrite, but there is something oddly scary about that. Someone has to stay sane. We can't all get obsessive about our looks.

Just to be fair, I will come up with a top three sexy, non-fit, balding and chubby list. Here goes:




1. Bruce Willis: Bald, wrinkly, muffin-top(ish), probably saggy bum. HOT. (and funny)

2. Kevin Costner: Not so young, not so thin, not so much hair....HOT. Each one of those lines is sexy. Even his gray-hairy chest is sexy.












3. Sean Connery. All of the above, and steamy.






Please, gentlemen: For the love of logic, self-acceptance, revolt against the Boomer idea that youth is forever, and good ol' testosterone. PUT DOWN THE GIRDLES.

What Does St Patrick's day mean?

Do you really care? Fine. After a lengthy two-minute goggle search I came up with some answers from Wiki and the History Channel. I will paraphrase here. In the spirit of green beer, drunken stupors and general red-faced cheer, don't get too upset if I am not 100% accurate here.

St. Patrick is considered the patron saint of Ireland. He didn't banish all the snakes from the island, or introduce Christianity. He did get locked up and then break free and trek for ye 200 miles through sand and stone and coast, and heard voices from God telling him to convert the Irish to Christians. He did lots of religious training, got ordained and died on March 17th. Again, Im paraphrasing. Good enough? Cool, now we are enlightened. Go get drunk.


For those of you heading to River Shannon's, or Fado, or some other musky, Celtic trivia watering hole, you should know that the four leaves of a clover stand for "faith","love", "hope" and "luck". Sweet! You can win a string of green plastic beads!For some, the day means green beer specials and perky-tipsy girls. (Irish or not). Mostly the UN-irish because they are over-compensating for not being innately lucky and green by being drunk and easy.


In Chicago, it means a green river. People roll out of bed around 9:30 to begin their bar crawls. But most importantly, chicks get to go out in this winter weather, with their tight t-shirts and and shamrock press-on tattoos in all kinds of glory. A sample of the hotness that will be holding in some drunken boobies:










Classy. Nothin' like good, clean, gettin' lucky fun. Just like St. Valentines day, we take a patron Saints death day and commercialize into a reason to have sex or get drunk!
Slainte!

Friday, March 14, 2008

Her she comes! Spring sprouts some double entendres.

Today had a high of 55 degrees. Here in Chicago, that means the teenage girls bust out there sleeveless shirts and mini skirts, people in throws come out to run in their spandex and under armour, and all us child-rearing suburbanites rush out to the parks. My little one broke the new season in with a bloody lip when she body-checked a nine year old while racing up a park ramp to the "bumpy" slide.


Whatever, it's my life. I don't judge that you sit around eating cereal on your couch with no responsibilities complaining about the lack of good TV and your singledom. I want your life. You can sleep all day, or drive to the beach on a whim. Although on a sunny warm day like today, I love mine. But I digress.

We spent an hour doing "outside things". Throwing the ball. (She has my gun) and playing soccer. (she does not have finesse yet, re: first paragraph). We decided to look around some of our tulip beds and low and behold! We saw a sprout. It looked a little like a candy corn, or a phallus. It inspired me to come up with some inappropriate ways to describe it to people...because, well, I love inappropriate. I swim in it. More stories on that later.

Here goes:

"Holy dirt, it is poking right out of that soiled mess."

"Just wait, that little bud will grow a few inches, change colors and have veins."

"Oh wow! I can feel the tip! Feel it!? "

"It happened so fast, I barely noticed. I got the hoe out, and I noticed it popped up."

"With a little sunshine and love, this little bulb will open right up and spread."

And so it goes. Spring is a time for good vibes, the return of pollination and exciting plant sex.

Get out there and enjoy the mood nature sets!

----Comments----
(I added this b/c it was too good to get lost in the inconvenience of having to open up a new window)
March 14, 2008 3:17 PM - Marcus wrote:

That about covers all the bases. I got nothing.Well...ok. I can never resist this game:
"I'm gobsmacked...you've been able to produce quite a large pistil for such a small stamen. I don't think my container can accommodate that big of a root."

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Stephen Colbert interviews a Drug Lobbyist (Ethan Nadelmann)

I had to share this. Stay with it. It gets really good at about "1:30"



Enjoy. The best part is Nadelmann's responses:
"yea aah." ( with minimal mouth movement)
"Actually, maybe the Eskimos because they couldn't grown anything."

Only Stephen Colbert (and his incredible writers) can find a hilarious way to drop the term: "Medicinal whores" in a conversation with a Drug lobbyist.

Mr. Colbert just made it back into the TOP THREE....because he "could chip a tooth on that thing."

Disclaimer: Lulu does not advocate the use of drugs. She has not ever used drugs, and if she did, hypothetically, it would have been purely by accident or coercion or to seem cool just like the rest of the boarding school-blue blood posers.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

BubbleYum! Anderson and Erica flirting on.

Per usual, my tired eyes stay open to watch Erica Hill and Anderson Cooper flirt. It is CNN genius. I really do listen to all sorts of newsworthy information solely as something that must "get done" to bring me back to the two of them. ( Not really, but sort of). I might even be living out some vicarious love affair just to keep my boring, hum-drum, lack-of-bubble-yum life exciting.

During a clip where they were talking about a high school student getting suspended for buying skittles candy from another student. That school had a "zero-tolerance" candy rule. Seriously? Oh the priorities. I think obesity is an issue, but suspended. Really? Anderson moved on, and talked about how he loved Bubble yum. The two of them went back and forth with energy-punched eyes, and cut to commercial. He didn't mention it after the break. Bummer.

Naysayers will claim I'm way off base. That is fine. Nay all you want. You watch, you decide. Let's get that therapist from the Today show back over here to talk about THEIR facial features and gestures. I volunteer to moderate...naked.

They might have been mild tonight, but the monkey business is hanging around a TV corner somewhere near you. Even if it is only in my mind. It's in yours too...because here are a few of your searches that got YOU here. (Great minds suspect alike):

"Anderson Cooper+Erica Hill nasty affair"

"Erica and Anderson having sex."

"Anderson Cooper and Erica Hill flirt"

"Secret affair+Anderson+Erica"

"Anderson Boning Erica"

"Anderson's girlfriend Erica?"

"Is Anderson Cooper dating Erica Hill?"

"What is a prostitution ring?" ( oh wait?)

Anywho....you agree, obviously. They are bubblelicously suspect.

( I will not say "bubble yum" or "bubbleiscious" again. It got away from me. Sorry.

First Top 12 American Idol goes home.

There will be other stages, and poles to be danced on. The stripper goes home. David Hernandez ends his American Idol dream.

The other bottom two were: Kristy Lee Cook and Syesha Mercado.


Best of luck to him! Farewell David...So long. (I had to).

FOX done blocked me last night...so we'll give it a whirl tonight. Big media has big game.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

American Idol Top 12 roundup: Lennon/McCartney

So here we are. Top 12, 2 hours, Simon looks like, well...let me create some imagery. Have you ever had a pet, that had to have a surgery and the area ( lets say belly) had to be shaved, and then covered in iodine? That's what Simon looked like. He and Ryan have started their tit-tat I-hate-you chit chat. The theme tonight is John Lennon and Paul McCartney songs. Pure entertainment. Let's get to it.

Syesha Mercado sang "Got to get you into my life". I think it stinks to start out the pack on Top 12 week. She was Ok. It felt a bit panicked. Randy thought she was thinking too much. ( who wouldn't be?)

Chekieze sang "She's a woman". He "smashed it" as Randy said. The song started out with a blue-grass, kick your shoes off, and rub some thumb up a washboard type sound, and ended with rock. It was actually really inventive. Who'd a thunk it? Not me.

Ramiele Mulubay sang "All the friends" . It was lame and boring. This my teens, is what happens when you sacrifice a one in a million chance to sing on national television to 30 million people on a BFF moment with the fellow-fallen AI contestants that got kicked off last week. Youth shows lack of judgement. The girl can blow, but it was boooooooring tonight. She is the tormented teen angst miss-guided. That covers half of us.

Jason Castro sang "If I fell". First off...can I pay someone to take a small scalpel to his eyelids and procure his eyelashes for me? He did a good job, it felt like a cheesy-teen concert moment at a one-man-boy-band show. He is good. Better than that performance. I'm rooting for him. We'll see.

Carly Smithson sang "Come together." I think she actually did the "grape-vine" from 1989 aerobics. (nice) She can sing. She can really sing. When she hits the big notes and shakes her voice she sounds so much like someone from the 1990's. I want to say Toni Childs but it isn't. Wow. This will make me nuts. Comment if you smell what I'm steppin' in. Name it. Alana Davis? Damnit. Help me.

David Cook sang Eleanor Rigby. He had a collar-malfunction.The judges loved him. Randy said: "You can rock it!" and Paula said he was the "front man" on American Idol.

Brooke White sang "Let it be". She sang the song truly and got pretty swept up in the moment. Simon thought it was one of the best performances of the night. She is going to bring FOLKSY back. Yeah. How ironic. Folk gets mainstream, not by Facebook or Myspace...but worse...American Idol. ( boooo). I am a whore to TV culture. Dish it, I most likely, will swallow (oh stop. Grow up)

David Hernandez sang "Saw her standing there". I predict an affair between him and Marc Anthony. I do. You heard it first from Lulu.He was good too. He sings a bit like Nell Carter in this song, like a nasal passage was purposely blocked. Randy said: It was a little too overdone."

Amanda Overmyer sang "You can't do that". Um...yeah, she killed it. I am not a big Janis Joplin-biker-chick-skunked-out-trucker-talkin' fan, but she really did a great job. It is amazing what she can do with it. I am thoroughly impressed. And...she kept her teeth ( and the space between them!)

Michael Johns sang "Across the universe". Ha! I saw his O-face! Incredible song choice. He sang with heart, and I couldn't help but get chills. He puts an Eddie Vedder spin on so many notes. Maybe he watched Into the Wild too? It was good, not his best. Randy even said: "Its a little sleepy."

Christie Lee Cook sang "8 days a week". That there girl done sung her bodonkadonk off! I felt like I was sitting on some bailed hay at an amphitheatre in Lubbock. All I need is drum stick. No? Okay, it was "fine." She can sing Podunk. It just felt wrong and a bit too fast. Actually, on a totally different plane, it could have been one of those Japanese manga cartoon dance song video games. Paula said: "I didn't get it." We share a brain! Simon and I. I wrote the above, BEFORE he said: "ghastly country fair"

David Archuleta sang "We can work it out". Awe. He was nervous. His neck was fierce. Did he forget lyrics? Poor thing. He will get the pity granny and tween-pantie vote now. No worries. I feel bad for him. At least he has big hands.

Did anyone else notice the gnats circling the contestants hair during the video/bio reels?

And I'm spent. GO BIG BABY. GO BIG. I'm going to mask my face, have an internal debate about eating more Peanut M&M's and then fall asleep listening to 93.9. We can't all be glamorous. Somebody has to be really, really unoriginal to make everyone else look good.

This is she.

March Madness a la lulu.

Now, let me be clear here. I am a fan of basketball, a big fan. I have several reasons why I love the sport more than football, or even hockey(which is a close runner-up). I love this time of year. It reminds me of all kinds of things, like when I dated a UMASS basketball player and flew to Atlanta for the final four only to find him writing in a diary about other women..but seriously,I love this time of year mostly, because it represents the beginning of spring, and the time of year for pools and competition. I love a good stakes-game.

Let's talk about NCAA March Madness. How could a girl like me NOT love a time of brackets and men competing against each other for dominance? I would love to have set up my early dating years as such. Put rankings by them, marked off who had "three second violations" and who was considered the underdog. I could draw on a big white board and analyze picks and rolls, or triangle offenses with my girl friends.Everything could come down to game day decisions. Anything could happen.

A few things that annoy me about March Madness:

1.) When women pick teams on their brackets based on any of the following:
- "Its a cute name"
- "the blue shorts are my favorite color."
- "Brett Gunning kissed me at Chaise Lounge"

2.) That the "traveling" motion from the ref looks like a 70's dance move. I think it should be more like an over-exaggerated knee-high-stepping-with-a-grimace-face motion. (just me)

3.) I also have to state that when it comes to socks....I am a big believer that they are either LONG tube socks or under the ankle length. Anything between is just atrocious and girly. It just is.

March Madness has all the things I need. Competition, young-vibrant testosterone-induced displays of athleticism, risks, quality under pressure and most important...big hands.

Let's get ready to RUMBLE!

"Crusader of the Year" and a harlot.

Upon reading and hearing about today's news of New York governor: Eliot Spitzer being involved in a prostitution ring, three questions came to mind immediately.


1.) What is a "prostitute ring"? I am not sure why, but I picture people standing in a circle like Eyes Wide Shut, or something involving a circus leader with a handle-bar mustache and elephants.


2.) Who is going to be the therapist for his three daughters? No doubt they will will now resent him, have trust issues, and then somehow, ironically, grow up attracted to men who cheat. Let's make it reality tv show!

3.) Is what the Today Show psychologist said about men with "high cheek bones, and protruding noses" true? She said that men with such characteristics tend to have more testosterone and be more aggressive. What does that really mean? Women should look for pudgy-faced small featured men? Can you actually say: "Honey, you have a big nose...I know you will nibble some nookie, so I'm installing this tracking device on you." Who comes up with this shite!?

I understand the mild outrage, I think its deplorable, but I am not at all shocked. Are you? Seriously? My husband has made an interesting argument for years. If he were going to cheat ( bare with me here) it would be with a hooker. Why? Because there is no fear that she will fall in love, or want more than sex, because he just doesn't have enough room in his life for more than "one crazy". No boiling rabbits, no love-letters, perhaps just some paid-for validation of his dominant sexuality. (ha)

I know, I know...it's terrible, how sexist and disgusting. But...I see the point. Does that make it ok? Absolutely not. I'm just always interested in how shocked people are that men want sex, and they don't necessarily want to deal with all the messy, stringy emotions that come with it.

In a hypothetical horrific world, let's assume 50% of men will cheat. Would it be better for them to fall in love with a mistress and emotionally attach, or boink a hooker? Maybe old school Venetians had it right with courtesans.



Get mad, get offended, but get real.

Dan in real life on DVD today. 3.11.08


A few of my favorite things today are: Sunshine, waking up in a good mood, and knowing that Dan in Real life is out on video. A movie about a widower(Steve Carell) with three daughters and the complications of loss, loneliness and making the right human connections with a woman (Juliette Binoche) at the wrong time.

Not sure how the director, Peter Hedges managed to make you feel like you were being hugged by a warm blanket the entire movie, but he did. I am not saying it was the best acting I've ever seen, but it portrays the kind of family structure everyone dreams about when deciding to have one. They play games, they are honest with each other, they are supportive. They all fit into a beautiful beach front home in the east coast, and look good in fisherman sweaters.

It may be somewhat unrealistic, but it hits home. This is the only movie I can think of where there isn't any sunshine in the film, and I still feel fuzzy and lovey all over. The two performed songs in the movie were great ( to me). "Ruthie-Pig face" made me chuckle. It felt ab libbed and mockingly sweet. "Let my love open the door" was uplifting and heart braking for me. I am a sap.

Other movies out today are: No Country for Old Men, Bee Movie and Hitman
Dan Burns: "There's rightness in our wrongness."

Monday, March 10, 2008

Top 5 things I can do now that I am unemployed.

So I thought it would be funny to stop the stressful pity-party and poke a little fun at myself. Life is a Carousel like Carly Simon says: "the painted ponies go up and down...". I am on the damned down-pony, but its pretty and intricate and showing its gnarly teeth. On second thought, I'm on the bench. Horses from Merry-go-rounds scare me. I'm on the bench behind the painted pony that is pooping, kicking, and stuck in the "down" position. I'm good though. See. I'm good.

1.) When someone says "Don't quit your day job", I can reply with: "Done and done. What's next?"

2.) Roller-skate in a red bikini ,with pink lipstick on, and a yellow balloon in tow. (nice)

3.) Spend all day searching the Internet for the "Truest! This really works! Do this! It's awesome!" forwards to send to my mother-in-law as payback for all the years accumulation of hers.

4.) Start speaking in only work lingo for menial, or general family tasks.
To Husband: "um...sorry Hank, I am going to have to see a purchase order for that booty-call, I can't just produce those kinds of deliver ables on such a short time line, without guarantee"
To Friend: "Okay Susan, I hear what you are requesting, but that wasn't on the inventory request for today and now we are on back-order for compassion."
To Child: "Well, Lily, since you negated the commitment with your whining, I am going to have to rebid the juice box and cookie to someone who is going to honor their contracts."

5.)Wear age-inappropriate t-shirts with studs and sparkles that say things like: "Whatev. I can." or "Boy-crazy" and walk around the mall all day long.


Hm...I need to get some bigger dreams.

Sunday, March 9, 2008

Viktor Bout arrested, Paul Salopek article disappears?

I usually like to stay away from heavy hitting news. It's...well, heavy. I do, however, have an obsession with Africa. This morning I was reading my Chicago Tribune, and found a fascinating article on page 14, by Paul Salopek(the Tribune's African correspondent) about the Arrest of Russian arms-dealer Viktor Bout.


The article is about the 8-year-long track of Bout by Paul. It was about how this bloodbath inducing arms-dealer of Africa (coined the "Lord of War") has been arrested in Thailand. Viktor Bout was described in this article as a "twisted genius" and it links him with FARC, Al Qaeda and the Taliban.


Now, my interest in all of this is two fold. For one, I love to try to understand and pay more attention to what is going on in the world. I think it is important to see Africa and its problems, far deeper than the commercialized (but helpful) campaigns of "Go RED" and Oprah's South African school for girls. So I jumped online to find the electronic version of the article to share. I googled...nope. I went to the Chicago Tribune website...nope.


I searched the name of the article and its author and got a link that took me to a "Page Not Found" Hmm..curious. Maybe it slipped through editing. ( nothing slips through editing), or maybe it just happens to be the ONE article on the March 9th electronic version (with all the other articles present) that didn't get linked properly? Who knows. I do know, it's peculiar, like Anderson Cooper's deep breaths between sentences, or Webkinz.


So, here you are...The article ended with a provocative 2 paragraphs. Paul Salopek writes:


"Readers often write asking why Africa seems forever to be embroiled in mayhem and violence. The reasons are complex. But the fact that the U.S and the old Soviet Union dumped mountains of weaponry into the world's poorest continent during the Cold War- a lethal trade allegedly taken up with gusto by Bout, for sheer profit, not ideology-- is surely part of the answer.

Seeing Bout handcuffed on TV, I am reminded how remarkably young he is. Just 41- and how he will have his day in court, an accounting of Africa's vicious wars, long enabled by cynical outsiders, will never be afforded. "


If you don't believe me, try it yourself. Look for "Cause for cheer in war-torn Africa" -the name of the article. If I am wrong, and you get it...hooray, you can read the article. I'm not making any statements about accuracy, or free speech, or digging too deep, just saying...It's weird. Happy Sunday.

And, man if you are a first time reader of mine...just bounce on without looking around, the chances that the rest of these pages are for you, are about as slim as Nicole Richie when she stops nursing.