Monday, March 17, 2008

Dismal horoscope gets re-written.

I am NOT a horoscope fan. Have I had my palms read? Yes. On Clark street, and she said that my sister had a voodoo hex on me that would wash off with talc on soap and some myrrh.(right) and that I would marry the love of my life and have two sons. Well, I'm not discounting that completely, anything is possible, but last time I checked my mini had a woo-woo.

By some cosmic convergence of boredom and irrational curiosity, I was banging around the pages of facebook, Google and such, and found a horoscope page. I'm a Virgo or the anti-Virgo. Actually, as my life has proven, I am the geometric midpoint between the two lines that form the grey sub line between the descriptions of pretty much anything.

Here is my horoscope for tomorrow:

"There is probably a bit too much going on today for you to process all at once, so try to record as much as possible for later. Things should settle down really soon and get much better"

Now, how in the feck am I supposed to interpret that? I am a pretty analytic person. (surprise) I will translate it. "The shittith will hittith the fan tomorrow, so we suggest you block what you can out, in order to survive your day. Things wont get better immediately, but the panging misery will turn to a slow and steady ache."

Wooooooo hooooooo. Bring on tomorrow! I think I am going to rewrite my own horoscope, if you want I can write yours too:

"Today will be filled with all kinds of mudane, you will get dressed, and go to the regular place you go to during the day, but somewhere between the early morning and mid day you will be faced with three decisions. Make the second one with great care, it will define how you love life will pan out. The lunar cycles of Mercury will let loose a fire of ambition in you, and you will cease to procrastinate on that special project that has been nagging you. Tie up loose ends and you will be rewarded with a sub-par opportunity to make room for more nagging tasks. The world is your oyster and you are the slimy blob trying to not get slurped down by the horny hungry suckers of mediocrity. You are the master of choice today. Be great. If you cannot be great today. Tomorrow will be filled with all kinds of mundane..." be the positive me (the above was the negative me) :

"Everything you need is already within you. By letting go of fears and minor complaints, the beauty of what can become a great day lies within your heart and willingness to be open and up for the task of staying cheery. A few things will be challenging, but your bright smile and fast thinking will keep you on your feet. Thus, making you better prepared for the love and light that will land all around your magnetic pull for good...Oh! and exciting love of a new kind is around the corner (maybe a bed' em contender!)"

I am NOT reading anymore horoscopes. HESUS. Go write your own now, before its too late!

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