Thursday, October 30, 2008

Alec Baldwin calls Palin "Bible Spice" on Letterman

It is a well known fact that Alec Baldwin has become a night lover ( in my dreams) of mine. He has all it takes. Witty fast tongue, Over 40(although, he is about at the age cusp of limitations where I draw the line), unapologetic-grab life by the balls-and enjoy it attitude, and he speaks his mind.

Ever since his interview on 60 minutes, which I rewound a few times just to be able to process all his jokes, and catch his societal/political statements, I have been in lust admiration. Last night, he was on David Letterman. I can't help but wonder if his hair do is prepped like that of Cameron Diaz in "Something About Mary". I wont judge. He is cute and pudgy and smart. Love it. Enjoy, I did.

I am jumping in my britches to see him on 30 Rock tonight. Hopefully more people will watch. Why do all the men I love NOT have an upper lip? I don't actually find it attractive, but it seems to be a reoccurring trait. (shoulder shrug) I love his vocabulary. Well used, well placed and self-depricating with four or more syllable words at a time!

Ha cha cha....

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Last October Hump Day Roundup

So here we are on the last Wednesday of October. I voted today. It took 10 minutes, that was nice. There was a snow storm in the Northeast. The Dow rallied to close up almost 900 points yesterday, even though a consumer index looked grim. Bounce baby, bounce. I lost obscene amounts of money in September, I refuse to look in October.

On a brighter note, Anderson Cooper is on the cover of "Best Life Magazine" and looks amazing. I really wish there was a way that I could double for Erica Hill and be near him, or get a few hours to pretend he was straight. Those perfect little pink lips! Doesn't that saying ring true for him: "Just because there is snow on top of the mountain doesn't mean there isn't a fire inside." I love grey hair (on pretty men). Speaking of men, I was slightly disappointed with Jon Hamm's level of goofy on SNL. I like Don Draper better. Not that it matters. Patrick Sharp has kicked his overly used eyebrows off my top 3 list. ( more on that later)

All this cold weather and the imminent decent of holiday ads and displays to steal the autumnal air has made me feel the need to check some boxes. Here are a few:

1. Go apple picking.

2. Wear a rain coat. ( In Chicago, the opportunity to do this and remain cold is so slight)

3. Watch a high school football game outside while sipping apple cider.

4. Make butternut squash soup from scratch and chili with dark chocolate in it!

5. Make out with football player in the fallen leaves. Oh wait. No. A hockey player?

6. Light a fire and lie naked on a faux fur rug with a hot toddy and make s'mores or maybe just do a nude headstand while watching the ember and working my prana and trying to focus on lower my Pitta dosha. (wait....maybe that's not for everyone...)

7. Enjoying warm and fuzzy natural yearning to cuddle up and create body heat with someone, as well as the general sense of seasonal romance that is founded on things like the ideals of "When Harry met Sally" instead of hot monkey crazy summer lust.

8. Steal time to go to a movie on a cloudy, rainy, chilly day.

9. Point out all the fake N bake break downs happening because the weather has turned and that perfect brown tawny look on some women ( and men) just ain't plausible. ( pft. I'm not mean, I make up for my judgements with karmic love sent to the universe through universe...what do you do?)

10. Pull out those long-ass knee high warm socks and sip some hot chocolate.
Get out there and make the next 2 days count. Stay warm, be warm and enjoy the passing moments before they are passed.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Today I pondered: (un)Sexy songs to avoid.

There have been several things I randomly ponder. I am always thinking about the strangest things. For instance, I was stuck driving behind a short yellow school bus carrying handicapped children. The woman was helping a sweet boy off of the ramp in his wheelchair, and I thought: "Holy shit (pun intended) what would happen if the bus driver got a horrible crampy dose of explosive diarrhea? What then? You can't park a bus of children at the 7/11 to go to the bathroom!" I stressed all day about this for all the bus drivers. Godspeed to them. Other times, I think more sexy thoughts. Yep, I just combined explosive poo and sexy in the same thought. So, this is was came out....

Songs you should avoid during sexual intercourse, but if it happens, you are guranteed a laugh:

* The trick is to keep rhythm at all times with the main beat of the song. I tried it, not easy. ( no, I didn't, but its sounds better that way.)

1. Gloria Estafan - "1,2,3,4 come on baby say you love me, 5, 6, 7, times". I hate her. I would not take my clothes of to this woman, not even if paid, nor would I ever be able to laugh during sex to it. I would be too busy throwing up in my mouth and picturing her hair flopping.

(side note: Does anyone else picture John McCain naked and flopping around when he talks?...hmm..just me.)

2.Tears for Fears- "Shout". That would be funny, and slightly silly with its lyrical undertones. The beat would be strange too. SHOUT. SHOUT. LET IT ALL OUT. (HA!) I'm laughing just thinking about it.

3. Suzanne Vega- "Tom's diner". I don't even have to explain it.

4. The theme song to the TV hit Laverne and Shirley. Sclameal (up) slamazol (down), could get really obnoxious. Not that laughing is ideal during sex, but this one would surely bring on a giggle loop.

5.The Captain and Tennille- "Muskrat Love". I picture two really goofy high school modern dance students in leotards and sweaty hair moving slowly in tandem. Eeek.

6. Radiohead- "Creep". Think about it....very difficult not to get cold pricklies, let alone move sensually.

7. DMB- "Tripping Billies" Pure entertainment if you can keep up with the melody and tempo changes.

8. Los Del Rio -"Macarena". Just listening to this song makes me quiver with horrible visuals of country barn yard weddings with acid-washed Levi jeans and starter jackets clapping and laughing in unison while patting their own over-stuffed bum bums. No sex in the champagne room for you.

9. Bette Midler- "The rose". I think I only know ONE man who could listen to this song, block it out, and some how convince himself (and me) that the female anatomy was a rose, and other things were rain and sun, to plant a seed. Nasty. Avoid this song unless you are at a funeral, group hug or PMS party.

10. Alanis Morrisette- "You outta know". I would be wildy entertained to know if anyone was capable of keeping "beat" to that scream sequence near the end.

And...I'm sure I could come up with hundreds more. So next time you are getting that yummy warm tummy feeling and heading to the unsafe place of jingle jangle in the rubbing dirties department, make sure you avoid the above. Love is alive. Look lively.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Tony Robbins, Booby Jolie and egg-birthing Chicken

So...All of you are right. I WAS in fact, stuck in an inversion yoga position with Bill Murry while playing Steve Winwood and day dreaming of Hedge fund managers and old senators that I could wink and shimmy for merely to keep from getting too overly obsessed with the Wall Street crisis that has been taking up all the space in mind.

Today a few things perked me up. 1. Tony Robbins (yep captain big-hands and big teeth) was talking POSITIVELY about the way we can approach this new "season" of turmoil, and it was inspiring. Sue me. I went to a seminar in the 90s. I walked on coals. I hugged strangers in a faux-hope for having some epiphany. Instead, I met and dated and fell in love with a once-quadriplegic hockey player, who now...walks and hikes. But that is just what I do. Take an inspirational life changing event, and make it about lust, men and hockey players. But I digress...Check him out at

2. I have a huge girl crush on Angelina Jolie and have been trying to find early copies of W magazines 21 candid pictures of her, taken by Brad. Why? Because she is not too good to wear a mumu, sometimes her makeup is smeared and recently when she was asked how she looks so good 13 weeks post pregnancy; she replied: "A great dress." And...she is hot, crazy and unpredictable. Check my records, I have not been a fair-weather AJ fan...I loved her in the nutso, kissing brother stage. Evvvvverybody poops.

3. While trying to eat my breakfast this morning, my charming 3 year old brought a new toy she found to me. A chicken laying an egg. (see pic). I laughed hysterically, which only egged her on (pun intended) and once again, I was reminded about the beauty of little laughs that can change a mood.

I am back. I am working on the latest Bed em' Get em' list and pondering the random synergies of anatomical remanufunctionality of love,pursuit and acceptance measured on parallel levels of the universe. Be happy. Ponder an Eggy chicken, laugh with a good friend today, love someone like I love AJ, hold hands, sing about positive change, invest some money in value stocks with good market caps and think sexy thoughts.

Until tomorrow...or later today. Enjoy the revisionist historical take on a bloody and horrendous discovery and pillage of the new world. I know I will.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Five purely hypothetical reasons you haven't heard from Lulu.

***This is a guest post from Marcus Gumbasmall hands. A good friend and fellow blogger at handonmouth***

Where's Lulu?

I can deduce from reading Lulu Notewordy, as to what might have caused this sudden dryspell of posts. Because the process is way more "Fringe" than "CSI", I'll spare you the mechanics behind such forensic science. And I'll give you the 5 top scenarios I think may have happened...

(Actually, we all know she has more than 5 reasons. She COULD give them all to you in one fell swoop. Though she won't. But you'd like that wouldn't you?)

1. Lulu's iPod is stuck in a constant random shuffle mode of 70's Soft Rock ballads and a smooshing of 80's syrup and cheese. Think Manilow's "It's A Miracle" or Bobby Caldwell's "What You Won't Do For Love." Or worse yet, "Sentimental Street" by Night Ranger. She's caught up in a self-embrace of hugging and slow-rocking, smiling to herself. And can't reach the keyboard.

2. During one of her writing sessions from the fireplace table at Caribou Coffee, she had a chocolate-walnut brownie. (Most likely, she had two.) In a shoulder-shrugging to ears, eyes-closed and "mmmmm-mmmm-ing", choco-epiphany inducing body hover, she was smacked on the back by a passing computer bag and launched into a permanent state of disfiguring. And can't reach the keyboard.

3. Called to Congress to testify on her role in possible conspiracy to displace the ecomony and sour the mood of millions, entirely through her lack of blogging. Still tapping microphone, still asking, "Can you hear me?" . Still winking at old senators, and still snickering at the term "rising

4. Depressed and off-put by her decision to invest everything she had into the confectionary market. (After all, candy IS an omnipresent need, isn't it?) She's re-thinking her decison to cash out after a 2/1 split, and receive dividends in the form of Mike N' Ikes.

5. Waiting until next year, as they say, to post her diatribe on the Chicago Cubs historic playoff collapse. Oh, she'll use the same post; she'll just then change the date to 2009.

At the very least, if none of these are true, I think we can all agree, she put off today what she could have done yesterday by casting all her oars into the fire, and ran up the river on a gift horse, crying over a pot of spilt milk and bathwater for no apparent reason.

I think she'll post again, so don't give up on her. Ask her questions, and she'll tell you no lies. She'll just spell them wrong.

We love you, Lulu. Come back and stay for good this time.

(pictured -right) Marcus and Lulu in occupational conflict during stupid LA corporate-bonding treasure hunt.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Circle Dance: Bonnie, Stevie and Vanessa

I know. I know...It's been ages. I would apologize but I fear no one really cares. I am finally compelled to write again. After the hospital stay, the growing sweet parasite within me (that I will not expound on) and my non stop feeling of being on the spinning top of a smelly carny ride while gagging at the smell of everything from deodorant to wind...Yep. I have not forgoten the blogworld. I just havent felt funny, articulate or anything other than miserable.

But here I am. So predictably...moved by music. I have spent a lot of time lying down watching news, and cnbc and music. Tonight, I realized that music heals almost anything. I noticed that it is my fondness of human connection in well-written lyrics and duets. I watched Stevie Nicks and Vanessa Carlton sing a song called "Circle Dance" written by one of my favorite female guitar slinging musicians ever- Bonnie Raitt.

The music is haunting in and of itself, but the lyrics speak to anyone. "Can't go back to make things right, but I wish I understood." I love that about music. You can't show me ONE person who doesn't have someone, some haunt, that sits quietly in the folds of their heart. Perhaps they don't pine for this person, but it vaguely shimmers as a dwindled light. Things didn't work out, blame has been thrown. Maybe its a parent, or a lover, or an old friend. Love has such a binding hold on us. All of us. We grow into it, with it, in search of it.

Listen to the song, you'll see precisely what I mean. If you are unmoved, you need another drink or a new soul...just saying.

Sooner or later we look back on the ripples of the decisions we have made, and we see beauty in the erosion lines of love. The marks they left with us, good or bad that have caused us to see things better, hold our virtues and belief closer to the things that count. In a funny way, I find comfort in a song that sadly brings me back to the ache of loss, or slow dissolution of love with someone. It reminds us that everything changes. Time rolls over all the things we think are everlasting, and that is profoundly important in the evolution of forward motion.

Letting go is abstract and concrete in the same. The heart never really does....let go. There is always some small beating part of it that hopes that someone, that ONE person will recognize or realize how incredibly important or special or remarkable we were. Maybe we stopped waiting for them to have that epiphany, but the mere acknowledgement of that emotion existing binds us all.

"Time has made things clearer now, we did the best we could." It fascinates me to think of how many scenarios and sad but necessary stories that sentence poses an answer for.

Feel love. Feel moved. Feel alive in moments and allow yourself to be touched by the lingering, and the letting go. Feel.