Monday, October 20, 2008

Today I pondered: (un)Sexy songs to avoid.

There have been several things I randomly ponder. I am always thinking about the strangest things. For instance, I was stuck driving behind a short yellow school bus carrying handicapped children. The woman was helping a sweet boy off of the ramp in his wheelchair, and I thought: "Holy shit (pun intended) what would happen if the bus driver got a horrible crampy dose of explosive diarrhea? What then? You can't park a bus of children at the 7/11 to go to the bathroom!" I stressed all day about this for all the bus drivers. Godspeed to them. Other times, I think more sexy thoughts. Yep, I just combined explosive poo and sexy in the same thought. So, this is was came out....

Songs you should avoid during sexual intercourse, but if it happens, you are guranteed a laugh:

* The trick is to keep rhythm at all times with the main beat of the song. I tried it, not easy. ( no, I didn't, but its sounds better that way.)

1. Gloria Estafan - "1,2,3,4 come on baby say you love me, 5, 6, 7, times". I hate her. I would not take my clothes of to this woman, not even if paid, nor would I ever be able to laugh during sex to it. I would be too busy throwing up in my mouth and picturing her hair flopping.

(side note: Does anyone else picture John McCain naked and flopping around when he talks?...hmm..just me.)

2.Tears for Fears- "Shout". That would be funny, and slightly silly with its lyrical undertones. The beat would be strange too. SHOUT. SHOUT. LET IT ALL OUT. (HA!) I'm laughing just thinking about it.

3. Suzanne Vega- "Tom's diner". I don't even have to explain it.

4. The theme song to the TV hit Laverne and Shirley. Sclameal (up) slamazol (down), could get really obnoxious. Not that laughing is ideal during sex, but this one would surely bring on a giggle loop.

5.The Captain and Tennille- "Muskrat Love". I picture two really goofy high school modern dance students in leotards and sweaty hair moving slowly in tandem. Eeek.

6. Radiohead- "Creep". Think about it....very difficult not to get cold pricklies, let alone move sensually.

7. DMB- "Tripping Billies" Pure entertainment if you can keep up with the melody and tempo changes.

8. Los Del Rio -"Macarena". Just listening to this song makes me quiver with horrible visuals of country barn yard weddings with acid-washed Levi jeans and starter jackets clapping and laughing in unison while patting their own over-stuffed bum bums. No sex in the champagne room for you.

9. Bette Midler- "The rose". I think I only know ONE man who could listen to this song, block it out, and some how convince himself (and me) that the female anatomy was a rose, and other things were rain and sun, to plant a seed. Nasty. Avoid this song unless you are at a funeral, group hug or PMS party.

10. Alanis Morrisette- "You outta know". I would be wildy entertained to know if anyone was capable of keeping "beat" to that scream sequence near the end.

And...I'm sure I could come up with hundreds more. So next time you are getting that yummy warm tummy feeling and heading to the unsafe place of jingle jangle in the rubbing dirties department, make sure you avoid the above. Love is alive. Look lively.

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