The New York Post sucks (BIG) ass for dogging Jessica Simpson.

Here you go, ladies and gentlemen. If you were ever in need of a perfect example of how our society and stupid poor, boring writers are making their living...you've got it in the January 27th article claiming that "Jessica looks as if she could be an offensive linebacker...".

Really? The size 4, 5 foot 2 star should be shamed by having gained a few pounds, or maybe just for wearing the wrong jeans? Who hasn't had a picture taken at the wrong angle, mouth agape, jeans tugging in the wrong place, chins popping out from a strange laughter/smile combo. It's human.

Lets see the writer ...naked. I would love to see your cottage-cheese free arse and thighs, and your perfectly lined stomach. Oh wait...Its a dude. Of course. That makes perfect sense. I bet he gets laid all the time by hot skinny, self-esteem-less women in NYC. (or not) More likely he is a young 20-something that is barely scraping by in his studio shitbomb apartment eating ramen noodles, pretending to be succesful and worth more than the horrible excuse of writing capacity he truly is. Maybe he pretends to be important and know people in the rat race and somehow the publicity of writing a 100-words or less of smudge on JS makes him feel powerful when he calls home and lies about his career and all his friends.

Look, don't get me wrong, I love to tease the likes of reality TV stars that get too wasted, or too needy and obnoxious. I make fun, mostly of myself, but not many can say they don't pass judgment. Enough is enough. Tyra, Jennifer Love Hewitt, and now Jessica. What do you say to a tween or younger girl when she hears all this negative rhetoric about a woman who looks substantially better than the masses?

I'll take a stab at it. You tell that little girl ( inside of all of us ) that nothing externally holds the value of who you are. Your integrity, wits, brain, ability to love, be compassionate and happy do not dangle in the balance of what random assholes think of you, or even what specific family members have said about your butt, thighs, boobs, face, hair...etc. It is hard enough to kep our self-criticism at bay. Anyone trying to make you feel bad about yourself is one or all of the following:

1. Unhappy with themselves, and therefore needs to point the finger, wave the hand and divert attention away from their obvious malevolence and insecurity.

2. Somehow feels pressure to act like they give a shit about what you look like and that it effects anything meaningful.

3. Are jealous that you look better, have more, give more or care less.

4. Have deep seeded issues with their own persona and somehow think that "cool points" come from being judgmental.

In any case. It's all quite disappointing and the only way any of it stops is by women and men alike putting aside the obsession with uber-skinny, protruding clavicle, bony, nipped and tucked and pulled back faces and bodies that have become all too normal.

Get a grip. Get a conscience. Get a clue about what makes a person beautiful. 'Cause right now, pretty fecking categorically, we are way off the mark!

In Rod (Blago) we do NOT trust...

Blago, Blago, Blago? You are about to be one of a small group of Chicago politicans (3 ex Illinois governors) to be jailed in my lifetime. Sheesh. You called Obama a motherwhat? You tried to sell the senate seat? Man oh man. Driving from my "typing place" the Bou, I heard on the local radio that when the Deputy Chief called him at 2:00am to warm him that he was about to be arrested, that two armed officers were at his door, and that this was being done to avoid waking his daughters or the media to the mess, he said: "Is this a joke?" At least he got out for $4500.00. That's barely a nice suit for some sleezy politicians.

Men in power. It is amazing. I am truly fascinated. Are they so highly removed from the realities and repercussions of the world that they feel invincible? Spitzer? Edwards? Whadayathink? It has to be. No one is dumb enough, I have to believe civil servants, "men of the people" actually started out, at some point, educated and with the best interest of the people. I get it. Most men ( Marcus not included) are busy trying to elevate themselves, etch a mark in history either on a grand scheme or small. I don't fault anyone for attempting some self gain, but NOT at the risk of a trusted position of power where your role is to work in the best INTEREST of the people you serve.

Honestly, I don't really care what politicians stick their body parts into...I don't really judge them on their personal lives, that isn't on the table in my book. I do, however find it unbelievable to see this kind of overt corruption. Not only Blago's but whomever was on the other end of the phone, email, and conversations!!!

(Sigh) I would keep my mouth shut, but this is a mess, a taint the windy city is known for...WIND and bull shite. Bummer. While I'm ranting, why is it sleeting after we already have inches of snow on the ground? How is Britney Spears being celebrated for a "comeback" by merely oiling up her short little legs and rolling around in a video? Sloppy Joe's are making a comeback....I don't respect them more, I just think: "Yeah, why not...it got a bad rap let's give it a whirl."

On a high note, however, my future age-limitation defying lover Alec Baldwin is going to be on Larry King Live. I guarantee you can picture me hunched over my knees, biting my fingernails with a giddy grin around 10pm tonight!

Hanky "Banky" Paulson and Frank to save the free world?

Okay, Okay I admit it. I have become literally obsessed with the financial markets. It stems from my college days with a day-trading father and my measly "penny-stock" trading, but this should be fascinating to anyone.

Today is going to be a wild wild ride! Short sellers are temporarily banned (and being unfairly blamed for all the demise of wall street...come on? Who is regulating credit swaps? or piss-poor risk management at the top ranks of financial corporations!)Scape goats are nifty discretionary tools and I'm sure there are shaunky shorters, but generalizations make me crazy.

A very angry man walked into my home last night after his bank's stock(which happens to be "clean" and one of the best market caps in the industry) plummeted 43% by midday and then closed in the green. That my friends, is rumor mongering reaping rewards for someone....THAT is your problem. So..what now? Government guarantees on mutual funds and depository banks. SEC regulations and emergency rules. All l can say is these issues feel like that funny "Whac-a-mole" game at the arcades. You get a mallet and stare down about 5 holes, each one with a popping up mole head(aka new financial crisis issue). I picture Hank Paulson, Bernanke, Barney Frank and Nancy Pelosi all standing in a baseball outfielder's position with a mallet in hand.

On a day like this, when there are so many bad-mouthing angry journalists, and even more bitter bank employees wondering about their own destiny, it is only fitting to throw a monsoon of good vibe, peace, calm and loving serenity into the growing void of black thick-striped suits and stressed out pessimistic circles of the soul-searching money hungry masses. I have never heard more media members and pundits say: "This too shall pass." Even the most drone-like are getting philosophical in times like these. It's cute.

This weeks insanity requires more than a mere shimmy and kiss-blow. No, we need to pull in some hari Krishna's, burn some smudge sticks, have tantric sex in honor of settled consumer confidence and peace on a global level. We need smelling salts and Native American chants and collective meditation. Or....we could just sit back and see what the Fed finally lands on...that might be easier. Eh...errr....let's do that. I don't feel up for tantric anything right now.

Stay tuned. After this rant (which was steeping for days) I will get uber frivolous. We can talk about fall fashion colors like purple or whatever the feck Megan Fox thinks a woman should be able to say sexually, you know...the meat of life. Ha...I said meat. Hold on to your bespoke britches!

Love and closing options. Sex and short puts. Peace and government guaranteed mutual funds.

Dismal horoscope gets re-written.

I am NOT a horoscope fan. Have I had my palms read? Yes. On Clark street, and she said that my sister had a voodoo hex on me that would wash off with talc on soap and some myrrh.(right) and that I would marry the love of my life and have two sons. Well, I'm not discounting that completely, anything is possible, but last time I checked my mini had a woo-woo.

By some cosmic convergence of boredom and irrational curiosity, I was banging around the pages of facebook, Google and such, and found a horoscope page. I'm a Virgo or the anti-Virgo. Actually, as my life has proven, I am the geometric midpoint between the two lines that form the grey sub line between the descriptions of pretty much anything.

Here is my horoscope for tomorrow:

"There is probably a bit too much going on today for you to process all at once, so try to record as much as possible for later. Things should settle down really soon and get much better"

Now, how in the feck am I supposed to interpret that? I am a pretty analytic person. (surprise) I will translate it. "The shittith will hittith the fan tomorrow, so we suggest you block what you can out, in order to survive your day. Things wont get better immediately, but the panging misery will turn to a slow and steady ache."

Wooooooo hooooooo. Bring on tomorrow! I think I am going to rewrite my own horoscope, if you want I can write yours too:

"Today will be filled with all kinds of mudane, you will get dressed, and go to the regular place you go to during the day, but somewhere between the early morning and mid day you will be faced with three decisions. Make the second one with great care, it will define how you love life will pan out. The lunar cycles of Mercury will let loose a fire of ambition in you, and you will cease to procrastinate on that special project that has been nagging you. Tie up loose ends and you will be rewarded with a sub-par opportunity to make room for more nagging tasks. The world is your oyster and you are the slimy blob trying to not get slurped down by the horny hungry suckers of mediocrity. You are the master of choice today. Be great. If you cannot be great today. Tomorrow will be filled with all kinds of mundane..."

Or....to be the positive me (the above was the negative me) :

"Everything you need is already within you. By letting go of fears and minor complaints, the beauty of what can become a great day lies within your heart and willingness to be open and up for the task of staying cheery. A few things will be challenging, but your bright smile and fast thinking will keep you on your feet. Thus, making you better prepared for the love and light that will land all around your magnetic pull for good...Oh! and exciting love of a new kind is around the corner (maybe a bed' em contender!)"

I am NOT reading anymore horoscopes. HESUS. Go write your own now, before its too late!

Why? It's not fair.

1. Why are all pig-cartoons pant-less? Pork Chops, piglets...literally. It doesn’t seem fair.

2. Why do people think a movie is good just because it broaches death and forgiving? It doesn’t seem fair. What if a movie is about living and grudges...that can be poignant.

3. Why are all the "volunteers" at the voter’s station over 75, and unable to see the names on the tear pads, let alone thumb through them? It’s not fair to them, or me.

4. Why does the guy who has 21 items get to go in the "15 items or less" checkout at the grocery store and shrug it off as close. I have 5 items. He cheated. I don’t get to throw a $20.00 at the woman behind the register for a 28.00 bill because it’s "close". It’s not fair.

5. Why are Filipino girls being advertised on my website? Is that for trade? Is my ignorance, liberal use of sexy topics and need for advertisers some how playing me as a pawn in the human traffic war. If so...that’s really flippin unfair.

6. Why are half the people I know if NYC unemployed and seemingly happy. Is it a guise, is there some secret pact half the New Yorkers make to just be rich and successful and happy without working? It’s not fair...I'm on to you.

7. Why does it take 20 odd therapy sessions of small talk with intermitnant list-like rants to get anywhere, if we are anywhere. Are we anywhere? That’s expensive and unfair. I want to be perfectly stable, balanced and well RIGHT NOW.

8. Why does a man get the SAME virus or cold I get, and it only last 2 days for him, but I sneeze and fever my way through two weeks? Is that a chromosome thing? It just doesn’t seem fair.

9. Why does it feel like I am complaining so much, when I actually am just trying to be funny? There is a threshold somewhere here, I missed the turn. damnit.

10. Why does it seem that every time I decide to sit down and watch some episode of some show I have been meaning to get into, It always ALWAYS seems to be the ONLY one I’ve already seen?

Interviews: What is your weakness? LIES!

Question: "What would you say....is your greatest weakness?

I protest this question, its too broad? Can I answer physically...like I can't run a 4-40, my backbends are pretty square? Categorically? Can I make it an existential thing and say that I have a daughter and I am a woman, and my father's name has died with him, wait, thats irrelevant. Well, my weakness is only the manifested fear of my greatest possibilty of emotional triumph failed, right? Maybe my weakness is not knowing what existential really means? Do you? Really? Wha'ts it all mean? Okay fine...

1. " I work too hard."

2. "I care too much"

3. "I am too hard on myself, and push my limits for minimal recognition."

4. "I abandon all other things in life, except my job."

5. "I pay too much attention to detail, and do it on mulitple projects, with limited supervision"

6. "I put others before myself too often"

7. "Sometimes, Ive been told, I close new business too quickly...so Im working on pacing myself.

8. "I dont keep up with all my sales goals because I stop paying attention once I triple them."

9. " I have no problem pointing my finger at the weak cog in the wheel or giving all credit to superiors."

10. "I take it personally when someone takes more than the alotted amount of sick days."

Here are some REAL ones I think I should offer:

1. I can't spell. Truly, its uncanny, my knowledge of the english language (and others) surpasses the norm, but I cant put the letters in proper order.

2. I do more work in less time, and use the superflous minutes to check off items on my personal to-do list.

3. I am impatient and actually start to tune people out when they bore me. Sometimes, I will even stop them from talking and say: "really? does this matter?" (not a crowd-pleaser)

4. I love my child more than this job, so I will put her first almost EVERY time the two are in competition.

5. I picture random men naked, on any given day, and that makes me uncomfortable sometimes.

6. I smell everything including the coffee you had this morning, and the onions you had last night.

7. I have worked for 8 years in corporate advertising/marketing and have only turned in 3 expense reports ( because they make me feel guilty) - 100% TRUE.

8. I cant think of any more weaknesses, thats a weakness.

Go be honest, see what happens. Okay, dont...but at least you will smile inside next time you are asked that question.

Gym Rant.

Alright, I know its January and all kinds of people of all kinds of shapes and sizes have resolutions and reasons behind them have come to the gym to sweat it out. Hats off, I applaud your attempt. But...

ITS MAKING ME NUTS!

- I can't get a parking spot that takes less than 4 minutes to walk from. ( on ice)

- I have to WAIT for a woman who spends ten minutes looking at the treadmill screen, than quizzically at no one in particular, then gets annoyed at herself (and everybody else), and then she just walks on no specific setting, angry that she doesn't understand. THIS...plays itself out over and over every day of this month.

-People don't know the gym-etiquette so they are NOT wiping down equipment after sweating all over them ( if they sweat, which they don't, so not a big deal..I guess)

-I can't get a mat to save my life because every trainer is taking advantage of this exponential increase in their business and having them all use double mats and all the medicine balls.

-I have to hear about every woman's life because they join in TWOS and talk the ENTIRE time they are on the elliptical machines.

Can I just save everyone the suspense...and tell them only 5% of them will still be here come St. Patricks day? The only upside for me, is a new crop of men for the "healthy gym-crush".

I want to wear a t-shirt that says: "Resolutions are for sissies, real quitters know when to give up."

New discipline exercises for Adults:

- Next time the cashier at Einstein Bagels Bros. repeats your order incorrectly for the third time...Pull out a water-spray bottle and squirt him/her with rapid fire. Say nothing. Just make that squinted, pursed lip face.

-Next time an ex-lover pretends to NOT have any interest in your existence. Write a web-based e-card and blind copy everyone he knows. The letter should go as follows:
"Dear _______, Don't feel bad about last week. All men struggle (at some point) to not cry during sex. 4 inches is enough for me. See you soon, Mercedes."

-Next time your partner gropes you in public....Grab him/her by the chin, make direct and clear eye-contact and say: "NO. NO humping. NO. I said NO!"

-Next time someone arrives more than 15 minutes late to meet you. Don't rush to them, instead tell them you are going to "run out and do a few things before you meet...it will just take a sec." Since they were late, they can wait.

-Next time you receive a text or email with ZERO punctuation. Respond with every single punctuation possible. "What,.!?()&" or switch to "Arabic Mode" and text back with all kinds of unconstructed sentences and the word "Allah!"

Media panders to the "Dumb factor"

I think if there were a line to cross between slightly filtering news with little small-thinking side bars, and gross assumption that we are stupid, Its been catapulted over!

I was watching the NBC news two days ago, and the anchor said: "British troops hand over power to the northen territory of Iraq. This momentous day was met with celebration and parade" A small video box appeared in the left hand corner of marching soldiers, and cheering women in full Islamic garb. (no guns in the air, or burning flags this time. Phew).

The clip ran for about....twenty seconds. The anchor shuffled some papers and said something like: "In other news...Is that glass of wine helpful or hurtful?" Who lined that up?! I paid attention for a second, thought about how my daily wine intake has increased, and how I am gaining weight and maybe it's from the wine. (record scratch) WHO FECKING CARES? DID ENGLAND JUST PULL OUT OF WAR IN IRAQ? I don't know? The news isn't saying? What? I jumped on my computer and found headlines. "British Hands over Basra to Iraq Control" I find several more online articles, and fulfill my obsessive need to be informed.

Here's my problem. (Yes, Im assuming you care) There are plenty American people ( I live in a town full of them) that are educated, concerned and raising their children. I can almost bet my yearly fuel budget, that they were watching this, and it was passed over as quickly as you can say: "Jamie Lynn is pregnant?!" How does this happen? If we don't demand real news, we wont get it.

That, to me, Is not only reason enough for the world to shake their head with disdain, but it is down-right scary. I'm the first to admit it: I am good at looking away, obsessing about other people's (not so really bad) problems. It makes me feel better about myself to look at Britney or sensationlize toy recalls, and obesity, and minor medical snippets that have quotable statistics.

Pay attention people. It may not change your immediate world. You may not realize that our dependence on oil IS affecting you. Our wars, presidents,SUV's, diapers, plastic bags, use of electricity, lack of interest in anything non-American is going to create the world in which our precious children will be stuck with. It is proving to be far less romantic than the idea we cling to as "The Great American Dream."

Take a minute to think about what YOU are talking about. Maybe you can broaden the scope a little? Even if its uncomfortable, even if it scares you. Put down the People Magazine and humor your children, your friends, your parents, your dog....talk about something that actually will matter 20 years from now. We owe it to ourselves.

Holiday Shopping Hell.

5 Things that make me want to hibernate until January 2nd:

1.) Flag men, red cones, and people wanting to make LEFT turns in a shopping mall entrance or exit.

2.) The old bags working "holiday part-time" during the day at the retail locations. They take 4 times as long to look up a PLU or SKU. I could go home, order it online and pick it up from your store in the time it takes her to write it down on her little shaking piece of paper. ( Seriously, you couldn't pay me. Not even at 72)

3.) The inevitable cashier who has the audacity to be annoyed with ME for appearing in front of HER at the counter she chose to work at. Worse: that she doesnt understand my description of the gal that helped me. "Tall, brown hair, I dunno..she didnt say, or really help for that matter."

4.) Songs by Burl Ives, Bing Crosby, or any version of "Silver Bells".

5.) Knowing that whatever you bought will most likely be returned or greeted with a half smile because you either over-thought it, or missed the mark completely.

Ho. Ho. Ho.

In fairness to the world. I AM really annoying too:

- I write/type ALL the time.

- I walk so fast that my 2 year-old actually thinks jogging is a normal way of pedestrian transportation.

- I dodge compliments like the plague. How about:"the archaeologist of self-deprecating negativity" ( has a cute ring to it, and sounds smart n' shite)

- I ask my husband shock-value incoherent questions that are completely out of context as if it were truly up for debate (and normal). It's free comedy/amusement. IE: "If I put your balls on a slab and hit them with a mallet would they implode or explode? Balls implode, I think..... Balls implode. Right?"

-I call people with a few points to make, and then actually leave the message with numerical order: "Three things Rebecca: One, I got the cd. Two, Did you watch 30 Rock?. Three: I got a signed picture from Owen Wilson. Too funny. That's it. Bye."

-I fast forward through heavy-hearted women sharing their lives on Oprah. ( I couldn't stand the chick talking about her 39th "Eat Pray Love" party. More on this later...

-I eat potato chips on my sandwiches, always. Every time. "No crunch. No lunch"

That's enough for today. I am annoying.

I need my own planet!

Have you ever stopped to listen to your inner-dialogue complaints? It is an entirely different frontier than the "outer-dialogue". While ranting about yet another horrible movie experience, I got the sneaky suspicion that I am growing more intolerant, rather than people just becoming more annoying.

I know it can't possibly be so, but I feel as though people go to the movies with the pure intention to make me crazy. If its not the man sitting three seats away that has to shake his bag of popcorn before each crunchy, crackling bite, then it is the mentally-unstable woman with the bright orange hat rocking forwards and back with the vigor of a true asylum patient during the "scary" scenes.

Maybe its the teenage girl I got into a verbal scuff with during opening Saturday night? I had the sense, and frankly, the right, to answer her sneering (under her breath)question: "out of all the seats you sit here miss?" with a very sharp and to the point: "Yes. I paid for this seat. It's packed. I am sitting here, and you have to move your fecking feet. Deal with it." I am certain I made a few strangers blush, but who holds these brats accountable?

Either my luck and timing is out of whack, or I am losing my ability to deal with people. I am starting to believe it might be the latter. Since I can't indulge in populating my own planet, I will settle with merely playing out it's fantasy rules in addition to the obvious (don't kill, don't steal,pay taxes,free healthcare...etc):

Lulu Rules:
1.) You can not smell like: onions, garlic, stale beer, offensive perfume (this is subjective to my mood), Indian curry, cigarette smoke, or body odor.

2.) Please do not chew loudly, or swallow too hard ( that gulp sounds drives me batty).

3.) If I do not like your presence in my immediate vicinity, at any moment, I have the right to hit the "TRAP DOOR" button. (if you scrape your teeth on a fork, play music I don't like, have a general "eerie" feeling about you)

4.) If you are driving on the street with in 500 yards of me, drive at my pace.
4a.) If I am at the stop sign first and I flag you, GO! Don't sit there looking at me blankly.

5.) Be on time.

6.) Don't be indecisive and whiny. Passive need for approval, or suggestion, or compliment will get you a quick trip down the the tunnel ( ref: #3.)

7.) Do something nice for someone else EACH day. ( expect nothing in return)

8.) Don't require me to repeat myself more than twice.

9.) If you HAVE to be available 24/7 by "crack berry", then at least ignore it when we are engaged in purposeful conversation.

10.) Ignore all my rules. What makes life so fun is the sweet challenge of dealing with all it's inhabitants.

That's it really......That's all. As you were people!

Acceptance begets change. Right?

10 Things people ignore to be polite:

Completely obvious circumstances that we "pretend" aren't happening in the moment....

1.) When someone mispronounces your name.
2.) Boob grazes ( by accident)
3.) When a child "crotch hugs" a man.
4.) Stomach gurgles
5.) Knocking teeth during a first kiss.
6.) Strange air-passage during sex ( tootooafoo bubbles)
7.) The "whale-tail" on the pretty intern bending over at work.
8.) Flying boogers, or food during conversation.
9.) Botched catch-phrases: "don't throw both oars in the fire"
10.) Blatant ignorance.

Who the feck cares?

Okay, let me go ahead and lay it out there: I don't believe anyone cares about what my daily routine is, how the sun setting at just the right angle over the windshield set my heart all soggy and warm to inspire me, or what my child is doing on a daily basis. I get it. I am here, writing, simply....because I love to write. I need to write. It is a passion I have, I am saturated with my thoughts and feelings, and here ( lets be honest) is a forum in which I feel like I need to be somewhat formal, but really... No one is listening (read: reading).

I am your run of the mill basic woman who has done quite a lot in my 3 decades. I don't presume that you will be so moved or peaked by my stories, thoughts and recollections, but I have been told I can write some decently purdy-word-trains, so I try. I try to keep flowing, I try to find substance in the mediocre, I try and reconcile my many many many mistakes, and laugh at them. Its hard to laugh from the inside out, try it. No really...try it.

I am christening this page with nonsense to be added to the ominous nonsense of free will and free intellectual space. I speak to the masses of nobody who barely have time to stop to listen to themselves think. Those same people that rush around making e-reservations to sit in a place that sells food and "bottle service" where they can text and IM on their blackberries at the same table. I am sending my tiny little shock-wave out into this oblivion and hoping, if nothing else, to hone in on my own skills as a budding novelist.

Thank you very much no one, for being here to receive it.