What do Joe Manganiello, Alec Baldwin and Ryan Gosling have in common?

Okay, so the need to be trite and dirty has overwhelmed me and I shall share. The latest in my Top 3 Bed em', Get em' are as follows. Marriage is grand, love is beautiful, but days are long and what fun would it be to pretend that lust for outside hotties dies with fulfilling matrimony.

Here they are. Hold onto your panties, and DRINK THEM IN.

Coming in at # 1- JOE *howl* MANGANIELLO

This smoking hot 6 foot 5 inch beef cake is stunning. He plays a wolf in Seas

on 3 and 4 of TRUE BLOOD on HBO. More importantly, he is a good solid age (34) where I might actually want to talk to him, whilst I'm licking his abs. Those deep set-dark eyes, and that Italian tickle-me-hoo-ha nose is too yummy. Keep an eye out. You know I will.

Second to none: (but maybe one...see above,

for now) ALEC BALDWIN:Anyone who has stuck with me, know that I have been in love with Alec Baldwin through the tumult that h

asbeen his career and celebrity. I didn't

hate him wit

h the contrived, and baited phone messages thing. I never thought he was getting old. I swooned at his re-start and return, and I still get tickled pink at his humor and hard-core left views. He is funny, and serious, and sexy. I literally day-dream about our intellectual sparring matches followed by some nude yoga and post-coital banter. I see him smacking my butt as I walk past the flapping sheer white curtains onto the deck in East Hampton...wait am I getting carried away? He is also dating a 28 yr old yogini (like me, e

except add 5 years and 2 kids) but stick with the delusion. He likes brown girls...there is hope yet....

Thirdly, RYAN GOSLING:

People, this man played his ass off in "Blue Valentine" and has true acting chops, but he also has some serious meat on his bones. Emma Stone said it best in his latest, soon-to-be out movie: "Crazy, Stupid, Love"- "You look photo shopped!". I have loved him since he jibber-jabbered

about being a bird with Rachel McAdams in "The Notebook". I could write a notebook full of the things I would want to do with him. I don't want him to love me like I do with Alec Baldwin. I just want him to...well, you'll have to wait for my notebook.

Here's to men and sexuality and dreaming that both meet the needs and wants of our expectations!

Come on Billie Piper...Season 2 of Secret Diary of a Call Girl!

I have to admit I stopped watching "Californication" on Showtime, because it got, well...too dirty for me. Seriously. Cocaine and bodily fluids and random sex by accident in the dark at strange parties in the valley just left me wanting to take an acid shower. But! I think SHOWTIME has done it with one of my favorite Cable series: "Secret Diary of a Call Girl" on at 10:30EST Sunday nights.

For one, Billie Piper is adorably smoldering. Her angelic face and in- camera expression leave you empathetic and even fascinated with her layers and duplicity. She somehow walks the balance of sweet girl next door who tripped into a high paying prostitution gig, and the steamy minx we all hope to be inside. (somewhere, with someone).

In Season 2's opener she is said to contemplate a boob job, and I hope to God she decides against it. I love her self-confidence. Her little junky trunk and tiny nose. I'm sure that in another life, with the absence of stigma and STD's, I would ponder the idea of what she does...I'd be damn good at it: Joke, Joke...stroke ego, stroke body, get crazy, detach, smile politely, joke joke, walk away. I actually believe in some episodes she enjoys here job, accepts it. But what well-paid whore wouldn't? Stare at the ceiling and count in your head how many pairs of shoes, or Milly dresses, or vacations you can buy at the end of the 40 minutes. (awe) I bet it would actually be somewhat intellectually stimulating to meet some of the men she meets, but then we get into the marriage/Spitzer/John Edwards debacle, and I just can't think that big..it's much more fun to pretend no one gets hurt.

I'm not this shallow, but in the wee moments of watching such a spicy, dicey dirty show that makes me laugh with the dialogue and throws me a heart-sink with the reality-based emotions of any woman...I get lost in the fantasy of her world. I guess those writers and Billie herself have done something right. At the end of the day I want love, but who doesn't dip there toe in the sheer hedonism of lust, even if vicariously?!

Check your self-righteous thoughts a the door, and open your imagination to the possibility of Belle and her shenanigans. You might find you enjoy it. I do.

Ha cha cha...Belle's back.

Jen Aniston all tied up for GQ.

Now we all know I love AJ. Always have, but I saw this and thought: "Va va voom." Jennifer Aniston turns 40 in two months and has a body to die for. ( Thanks to Hatha and Ashtanga Yoga...no surprise). Elongated muscles, calming strength, flat tummy.

I've heard rumblings that she is making a desperate attempt to look "over" the Brad/Angie triangle. I don't know. I'd like to give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she has moved on, moved into her own self assurance and is enjoying some amazing photos of herself for the world over to see. Why not? She has suffered enough. Not to mention a heavy promotion of Marley and Me with Owen Wilson coming out in three weeks. Perhaps she forgot to go in for the pre-shoot fitting and she had to borrow the sound grip's tie for his high school reunion later that night? It could happen.

Take a look for yourself. What I want to know is what was behind the big black tape on the upper thigh of meat cake number two at the bottom of the shot?

I agree with you GQ. It isn' just you, she does keep getting hotter. She also has never had a child, (or three like AJ) but whose counting? I would be ecstatic if I could look like this naked at 40. Namaste, shanti shanti and godspeed.

Not surprisingly, all wealthy 40+ women seem to be getting hotter, thinner, more svelte and dewy. I am convinced that if you have more than 10 million in the bank and are on the dawn of your 4th decade of life, a group of black-velvet and hooded women in Balenciaga boots and grey nail polish show up to anoint you into the world of "secrets to staying young". There is a club, I know it....40 has never looked so good.

December makes me think of members.

What? Gross. Did I just make an anatomical reference that makes no sense? Yes. I'm sorry. I really would prefer to rant about how boring "Australia" was with the exception of the magical aboriginal boy wonder. I could fill pages about my obsession and fear for a close friend during the Mumbai terrorist attacks. I am so disappointed in the Grey's anatomy slip n slide into the horror show of prime-time soap-opera-esque plot lines with dead ghosts making love to Izzy. In the famous words of every character on that show from last year: "Seriously? Seriously. SER-I-OUSLY?"

But I here I am...over-sexed. I know, I know....no surprise, but somehow I am convinced that hormonally, things are going crazy pre-winter solstice. During the normal excitement and anticipation of Thanksgiving dinner I was dreaming of having sex with Hugh Laurie...really. It was exciting and moment to moment heart-palpitating, pulsating anticipation and then after kissing the top of his tummy and unzipping his pants....there was an infant size "member". He then waddled off with his cane. Hmmm...

Next up, was trapeze foreplay with someone even stranger, like Ewen Mcgregor, or some other bendy man from modern day movies. I will tell you, instead of being exotic, it was overwhelmingly full of huge misses, and big pelvic bruises. Its bizarre. Truly. I wake up sweaty and guilt-ridden. This is the season of giving and gratefulness. This is the time for love and light and peaceful offerings and my subconscious is nose-diving past saviors born in hay, to rolling in it and then failing miserably at execution. I DON'T FAIL AT EXECUTION (of that). I can't control it. The more I joke with friends or my husband about how I will focus on wholesome things before nodding off...the worse it gets. I wont even begin to describe what happened with the red-head actress from "Gladiator" or "The Devils Advocate". Eesh.

I will try harder (tee-hee) to focus on Christmas cheer and holly. I will spend more time making hot apple cider and warm cocoa while wearing an apron and maybe even doing my hair like a Mormon bouffant FLDS matriarch in folded white socks and denim. I am not unholy or despicable.

AM I? Strap in...December is going to be warm and fuzzy, white hot and tingly too.

PS: Good gracious I hope none of my child's preschool teachers ever stumble onto this blog!

November's Top 3 Bed Em' if you can get Em'!

So...I know, I know, the big question is what the FECK is wrong with me? Who cares. Nothing. Lazy, Apathy, my new found love interest in cooking healthy tasty food like the lemon caper tilipia I'm making tonight. Who knows. My libido however, is fully in tact, even though I have not been stretching the limits of what a mother/wife can say without being distasteful on this blog lately. I have still been being rather nasty at all times, despite my ability to appear like I'm nesting in my new SAHM role or other seemingly "normal" traipses through life.

I have to say, my list makes no sense. I know this, and that is ok.

1. Justin Timberlake. YEP. I caught a snippet of his gazelle, lift one leg scoot and undulate move from SNL and his concert and its nuts. The man can look sexy and naughty by moving his NECK. the least of phallic symbols, but check it....you will want to wreck in his adorable baby boy face. Um...then there is his "soft-goofy side" that shows up on Ellen and plays golf and is way more self aware than one should be after sleeping with Bspears trainwreck, Cameron Diaz and Jessica (perfect booty) Biel. Take a look. What man can wear a leotard and still be HOT? I rest my case.




I want to smell him and make fun of him for being so boyish and wearing white tennis shoes, and then have him throw me on a wall and dance in front of me, or mock himself and crack jokes...because this guy is everything and nothing predictable. Have I said too much?

2. James Bond (Daniel Craig) or just the idea of him:
I watched "Quantum of Solace" last night and felt my ovaries jump and release estrogen in toxic amounts at his calm while flying down a cliff side road in Italy in an Aston Martin, and his athleticism and skepticism and rippled tummyicism....he is danger, and dark and inconsolable. He leaps over anything, can kill with a pressure point, risks his life for a woman, than nonchalantly drops her off in the safe hands of a hotel conceirge...contradictions in a flesh pod of muscle and sex-man musk.

In life, that is a nightmare, in fantasy that is a dreamy bowl of smoking hot love making and a false sense of connection with a heartless machine of sexy goodness is just what I ordered.( Self loathing follows when he forgets your name post coital) so he can stay in fantasy world, gun slinging and throwing himself into the fire of sarcastic vengeance. If there were no consequences and my self-esteem was 100% in tact, I would fly onto this man like those bat monkeys with wings, envelope him and then disappear before he could get to clean up...leave him a note that says: "Not bad...had to run...L" Dirty, dirty, bad guy. What woman doesn't dream of breaking this kind of nut?! Humpy hot double O for me please.

3. Alec Baldwin: I have no apologies. This man makes me laugh and think and want to run and then stay, and the shuffle back two steps and then jump his fifty year old bones just to see if he can stay standing. Not only is he smart and seasoned with women, he is realistic and almost impossible. I picture him the kind of guy I would want to punch for calling out all my tricks, attention needs and inadequacies, but somehow peppering his slights with sex appeal and backwards compliments. You may picture grey hair and wrinkles and a spare tire...sure, but I still see vintage in him. The body is a curious thing, it changes, it ages, it sags...and such is life. Mine will too. Until then, I would love to stretch out, arch my back and lay before this silly, fast-tongued (surely dirty minded) man of many words, jokes and political opinions.


Sigh....I'm not claiming to be normal, in fact quite the opposite. If nothing else, find comfort in how normal you seem in comparison to my over-sexed thoughts, rationalizing and daydreams.

Happy Monday. No day for the mundane.

Sex mistakes from men and women: I blew my heart out. Now blow my head off.

It's funny to contemplate the differences between men and women when it comes to SEX. It's even more interesting to look at the similarities that are debunking the mystique or misconception.

iVillage and the Today show had a great segment on The Biggest Sex Mistakes Women and Men Make. First of all. I love numerical lists. Secondly, I love that someone wrote: "...but sex is multidimensional and it’s all about having a dimmer switch that goes from romance to raunch." NICE. Thirdly, I am the anti-woman in this article. Let me explain:

Article reads: "1. Women don’t understand why men don’t like to cuddle."

Me: I know this is terrible...but unless we are in the "first time" or courting stages, I'd rather sit in a vat of acid while watching "The Moment of Truth" listening to Britney Spears music. Maybe I just haven't found the ergonomic fit for my body, maybe I don't enjoy limbs falling asleep, or a full-body twitch (all men do it post-coital) that leads to a knee in back or an awkward elbow blow to the head. I would love to be enticed otherwise some day. Just saying...no thanks. I am happy to comply with morning sex (my favorite) but Man...meet my pillow barrier until then.

Article reads: "2. Women don’t understand the extent to which performance anxieties, self-esteem issues and body-image issues all affect male sex drive."

Me: Um...wrong again. Men are incredible, mystical creatures..but they have egos. Say something like: "Awe? Did you wear bike shorts all morning?" and he will be less, um inflated. The male ego may not be as fragile as mine, but it takes hits. A bad day at work, an anatomical joke about your ex...lights out.

Article reads: "3. Women think that men are always ready and willing to have sex any time, any place."

Me: Hm. All the men I have been attracted to ARE. So....

Article reads: "4. Women don’t understand how men can differentiate so easily between love and sex."

Me: Okay. I am the first to admit, I can cry after some mind-blowing. Rubbing dirties can turn into a bit of Pandora's box for me. (depending on several factors). But I get it. Maybe I am revealing too much (no?) but my historical research and some One night stand mistakes have proven that the man you are dealing with right before sex, and during, is a totally different person than the one you end up with post-sex. A lightening bolt of primal man-ness clicks on, and then off after climax.

Love is a different beast. One that appears to heighten their sex, sometimes, but doesn't always factor into it. It takes time and trust, and openness. Getting sticky doesn't have so many requirements. Usually, just some challenge, or some drinks and your anatomy are enough. Most women I have known need at least the possibility of emotional connection to lay before a man. Let's just say..I wasn't so caught up in the future of it all. Moment to moment brought me some sweet tangles.

I am deplorably less sensitive than I should be, yet I am mush and positive energy at the sound of a good song, a well spoken emotional confession of affection, or even a good smelling candle. Who knows. Who cares.

Love and sex and men and women and the whole hapless, mistake-ridden, sometimes electrically charged, synergy of beautiful bodies and hearts burning up and burning bright fascinates me.

Be good, be bad. Blow some one's head off. (or heart out).

When HOT poems get real.

If you know me, you know I am fantastical and day-dreamy. I love all things seductive and playful and I have always been a fan (and writer) of poetry. It is important, however to "keep it real". Here is my little love-punch at it all. Take it with a huge grinning smirk.


* I will never graze lips with a man whose yearning for me travels by way of electricity through to me in the negative space between our mouths...because he always smells like coffee or Chipotle.

* My heart will never flutter to the tip of my neck with the helium of reciprocated love-lust excitement in a mere suggestion.....instead you will just point to the bedroom and then your watch, and then back to the bedroom, lifting your eyebrows since the baby is sleeping.

* His eyes will never glow in the light of wondrous discovery, when cotton and skin separate into perfect revelations, instead they glow in the blue light of hotel porn on a business trip.

* These hands and fingers, they pulsate for the closeness of you...they extend in anticipation for the gift you give...wanting, undeniably to feel the pleasure with every change up and down, ...must i say the words: give me the remote, you scan channels horribly slow


Love and get lost in it....then get real.


PS: I love Billie Piper. (and YES, that is Angelina Jolie in the pic..Woa)

"Poor Tom Brady"...Gisele in GQ.

Okay. Okay. Okay. I am the FIRST to admit when I am wrong. Gisele Bundchen is not a gangley goof ball (in this shoot). I have seen her running in central park and she didn't look like THIS!?

Let it be stated: I am COMPLETELY on "Team Bridget" but this is stunning. In July's issue of GQ Tom's woman gives hugging pillows and wearing football tube socks a new meaning. Men were drooling. Seriously. I witnessed it.

I would dive into my modeling experience and try to attempt to make us all feel better by dissecting the magic of lighting, and angles and photo shop and hip twisting, and shimmer shadows...but I won't knock her. She looks hot. She can have it...along with Tom Brady, millions, a supermodeling career, perfect skin...etc.

I love women I do. I think they are beautiful. As a species, I think it is breath-taking to see humans with such shockingly perfect features (Heidi Klum) and child-like skin. These beings that create and give life, make little people in their bodies and run for president.


Women astound me, in general in good and bad ways...but that doesn't matter right now...I had to share this. Just like I did at the sprinkler park with two of my mommy-friends. Yes, that was an awkward contraband passing moment when Gisele's shiny thigh and perky hidden boob caught eyes of by-standers.

But this is the kind of "WOW" that is worth elliciting the judging guffaw of middle-aged suburban parents. Who cares. Her face looks immaculate. Even a self-deprecating, mildy over-confident woman as myself had to shake her head and slow clap.


My husband's words: "Poor Tom Brady...he has it so bad...we should send him some canned goods and an uplifting card." (ha) Um...Let's just say. My delusions of Tom Brady being on the Lulu Top 3 are obliterated. Yeah,he comes home to this every night...

I still love Bridget. Mom card trumps.

Enjoy. I know you will.

Top 3 Update. Lulu's summer solstice lovers.

It has been a wacky 48 hours. Not sure why. I blame the moon. There is no way that we (people made of water and energy) are NOT affected by the solstice. I spent the longest day of the year- hungover. Nice.

The weekend is here. Summer is officially in full bloom and my minxy-tides of female prowess are fruiting with hot summer nights and flirty sundresses. So..... its time for me to state my latest TOP 3 "Get 'em Bed 'em". If you forgot the premise, here is the REFRESHER. What was I thinking with Bill Murray? Lost in Translation skewed everything.

1. HANK MOODY (aka David Duchovny)- "I just get so lonely sometimes. I need a hug for a moment and the moment passes. I'm good. Smell you later."

I can't articulate how insatiable my lust for Californication's sweetest dirt bag is. The reason this works- THIS MAN doesn't exist. So perfectly written to cause pantie-tsunamis with his reckless tongue (physically and prophetically). Still love that he mocked a married woman's husband for thinking the buzz button was on the bottom...near the "Vagnus". On top of it (tee hee) he is tragically romantic and funny. Good thing its a character...

2. ERIC BANA - I watched "The Other Boyleyn Girl". He played King Henry VIII lusting after women. Power. Power. Brown scruff....He was so gentle with Booby Johnasson's character. Loved him in Troy. I had a strange inclination to lick his arms when I watched that (what?). Hot. Steamy naughty powerful lost man....let me hold you to my bosom, or my thigh and make it all better... Come hither darling.

3. GEORGE CLOONEY- Seriously needs no explanation. Salt and Pepper hair, soft brown eyes. Scratchy voice, and a HUGE sense of humor. Single again. If in the same room with this man I would either freeze in absolute lust-coma deeming me in-operational, or I would morph and slither into my best projection of sexuality personified. I bet it would be the former, but here's hoping!

Get out there and dream a bit....the moon says you can. Oh, get over it. The only person I have to answer to -made the deal. It takes a strong man to put up with this fire. Ha Cha Cha.

Sex AND The City: More than you bargained for...

I assure you now, I am NOT providing any spoilers or details about this movie. (Note: I will load a detailed list of quotes in a few weeks.) Instead, I am merely saying:

"Heart, prepare to have a schizophrenic fit."

In a theatre in Times Square with tons of women from a few different magazines, the buzz of the room was palpable. The moment the theme song began ( also many girl's ring tones) we were committed. To the women of SATC, to the hope that Big would deliver his love, and that we would walk away feeling like we just spent a girls-weekend with the women we have come to love, see ourselves in, and laugh with.


Like I said, I won't give any details....yet. This movie has a strange and beautifully haunting tone of reality. There is some underlying truths of womanhood that reaches into your chest, and holds onto your heart for the entire 2.5hrs.

I laughed hysterically. I "pfft'd" and I cried... I cried a lot, in the most unexpected moments. After exiting the movie we were all ecstatic and moved. Quickly I confessed how many times I found myself trying to wipe tears without anyone seeing. I quipped that I "must be hormonal" but then, one by one, every woman explained her own unique self-identification and emotional reaction. It was evident it had affected all of us, profoundly.


Sex AND the city-the movie was well beyond the realms of a "chick-flick". It was an intricate, interwoven journey through the inherently complex emotions of loving, living and being a woman. No matter who you are, or what your history in love, marriage and life...it hits to the bone.

Don't be frightened, it's not that horrible sad things happen, but life happens, and we witness a an unspoken and deliberate support system of the four women we have come to admire. It's hard not to walk away wondering if you can't do MORE for your friends. (Or run out looking for ones like this)It is a testament to richness and overflow of fulfillment other women can provide in a society where we are all trying to hard to prove we can do ANYTHING. Next time a friend needs you: Listen closer, pay more attention, speak more candidly, love her, make her laugh, go the extra mile, and expect it back.

Prepare to laugh, be inspired and stunned by the 50-odd wardrobe changes...but be prepared to FEEL.

"It looks like love" - Josh Rouse

So...I am frisky. My color today is bright orange with pockets of white-hot light blue flashing in and out of focus. (huh?) So, my theme song today is Josh Rouse's "It looks like love". It's a sweet little pull back from the Subtitulo album.

Why? You might ask is this my theme song...Well. He has a way of making naughty sound innocent and playful with tongue-clicking cheekiness. The repetitive guitar-smacking hook inspires a pelvic thrust not unlike those featured in the ending of "Little Miss Sunshine" and something in the the underlying tones smells like sweet sweaty sex.

"She doesn't wear a conscience/she doesn't play by rules/I'm flying at her like I've never played, like some clueless fool..."





"I've got some things to show her/I take her to my room/ She likes to eat that choc-o-late/ She likes to sit on me too."....Um...yeah.

So, in perfect duplicity of serious and strangely sexy I bid you a good Memorial day. Heat makes people behave badly, find a way to bounce to your own theme song ( or this one). Summer is here, love and lustful intentions are dancing through the wind and warm breezes...making even the best of the withdrawn and restrained; teases.

"There goes that melancholy feeln' again/It looks like love is gonna find a way/Hey, hey, hey/ When you start believn' in it/It looks like love is gonna show it's face....Hey, hey, hey, heyy..."

Ha cha cha.

HAPPY HUMP DAY! Moms talk about sex!!!

It is hump day.... A lovely one at that. Spring is vibrating through the ground, pushing up stamen and spreading seed. The air is full of love and new beginnings and bees fluttering around....It's hard not to get a little warmth and feel a little sexier...right or wrong? You decide.

I told you that my skin in buzzing just thinking about the Shape Magazine Premiere of "SEX AND the CITY" in NYC that I am going to on May 30th, but for today I will read about SEX AND PARENTHOOD.

It is Topic day on the mom-blogosphere that has been getting so much press lately. Women (and men) are "pulling the blindfold" off of sex and parenthood. Don't be quick to judge, these women are honest, powerful, funny and not-to-be-underestimated. I love them. They support me, laugh with me... sometimes call me "hateful", but it is incredible to have so many layers of womanhood, motherhood, fatherhood, and life spinning around, dealing with real life and evolving before our eyes.

CHECK IT OUT. GET SEXY:

Bloggers from Chicago Moms, NYC Moms , Silicon Valley Moms, DC Metro Moms, NJ Moms blog, 50-something moms and Deep South moms !

I blog about sex on a weekly basis. I will take the sexy hump day off. I will grab some KY, cellophane, green-pickle pear penis poppers, and a megaphone to cheer them on from the sidelines!

Hip Hip for horny (or not horny) moms/and dads talking about SEX!

Signs you made a one-night-stand mistake.

Alright. I have been all sappy and sweet for three days straight. Let's get back to it.

Signs you may have chosen the WRONG person to go home with last night:

1. He asks: "Did you like the vertical faux-hawk?...It used to be the Forrest-gump." ( referring to his man-scaping.)

2. He says: "I'm glad you didn't look at the camera much. You Tube ratings go down if it looks too pre-planned."

3. There is a pod-water bed, hammock, or futon involved.

4. She says: "My mother doesn't usually watch, she just gets nervous when I bring someone new home."

5. His idea of cuddling resembles frotterism.

6. She says: "I could lay here with you forever"....then dies. (You later find out she is 20 years older than she told you)

7. You met him coming out of the "Divorce Court" taping.

8. His work title starts with "The Honorable..."

9. You were a little put off by her stuffed animals, but the clincher was the report card on her cork board over the desk with a post-it note that says: "Good job, honey. Love Dad"

10. He says: "Here, give me a second to clear this tarp and move the shovel out of your way, so you can sit down. Do you have any false teeth?"

Oh yes, I did. I know...and you laughed. (Even if nervously. S'ok. No one saw)

"Crusader of the Year" and a harlot.

Upon reading and hearing about today's news of New York governor: Eliot Spitzer being involved in a prostitution ring, three questions came to mind immediately.

1.) What is a "prostitute ring"? I am not sure why, but I picture people standing in a circle like Eyes Wide Shut, or something involving a circus leader with a handle-bar mustache and elephants.

2.) Who is going to be the therapist for his three daughters? No doubt they will will now resent him, have trust issues, and then somehow, ironically, grow up attracted to men who cheat. Let's make it reality tv show!

3.) Is what the Today Show psychologist said about men with "high cheek bones, and protruding noses" true? She said that men with such characteristics tend to have more testosterone and be more aggressive. What does that really mean? Women should look for pudgy-faced small featured men? Can you actually say: "Honey, you have a big nose...I know you will nibble some nookie, so I'm installing this tracking device on you." Who comes up with this shite!?

I understand the mild outrage, I think its deplorable, but I am not at all shocked. Are you? Seriously? My husband has made an interesting argument for years. If he were going to cheat ( bare with me here) it would be with a hooker. Why? Because there is no fear that she will fall in love, or want more than sex, because he just doesn't have enough room in his life for more than "one crazy". No boiling rabbits, no love-letters, perhaps just some paid-for validation of his dominant sexuality. (ha)

I know, I know...it's terrible, how sexist and disgusting. But...I see the point. Does that make it ok? Absolutely not. I'm just always interested in how shocked people are that men want sex, and they don't necessarily want to deal with all the messy, stringy emotions that come with it.

In a hypothetical horrific world, let's assume 50% of men will cheat. Would it be better for them to fall in love with a mistress and emotionally attach, or boink a hooker? Maybe old school Venetians had it right with courtesans.

Get mad, get offended, but get real.

Watcha' thinkin'? How men stall an orgasm

It has always been of great interest to me that men literally have to think about other things to avoid a premature...well, moment during sex. I find it quite hysterical actually. If anyone was ever debating how women and men are different, this is a sure-fire way to delineate. In fact, in moments of my husband's desire, when I felt fat, or too tired I could cool his lust by merely saying: "Picture your grandmother naked licking her lips." It worked.

In my (limited) ((wink wink)) experience, I have found these to be a few ways MEN avoid the rush of a climactic moment:

1.) What are my top 5 favorite cars by make and model?

2.) Passwords.

3.) The lyrics to "One Week" by Bare Naked Ladies, mostly the rap part about sushi.

4.) Should the ceiling fan be going clock-wise or counter clock wise this time of year?

5.) Should I try and use a different dry-wall tape on that wall? The cracks are getting really visiable.


Now...A married woman might think these things in order to get CLOSER:

1.) Pretend this is George Clooney, or Hugh Jackman, or that guy from the movie with no shirt on.

2.) Ewwwwe... When I finish I can eat my iced-animal cookies! And put my slippers on to watch "Old Adventures of New Christine" !

3.)I am burning calories doing this, I am getting thinner doing this.

4.)Hurry, Hurry, If we finish I don't have to do this for a few days!

5.) Last minute image of that soft porn (aka Roadhouse) scene where Patrick Swayze threw that girl on the wall, or that scene from Message in a bottle where Kevin Costner did Robin Wright Penn from behind. Oh yeah.


See. We are different. Don't pretend to be all perfectly sexually aware and in the moment, or gorilla hungry for sex with the same person a decade into it....We all think something.

Fine, you don't. Sure you don't.

Heidi Klum on Ellen with balls...

I just happened to catch this, and the entire show was hilarious. When Heidi first came out, she was in a VERY mini-dress, and realized (as she was getting to the chair) that she couldn't sit down. She kept saying: "What was I thinking coming to this show in a belted mini dress?" and Ellen was clearly uncomfortable, so she offered her an Ellen-t-shirt.

Ellen continued to blush and look down at Heidi's lap. It was the kind of moment where you catch yourself staring at the tv with raised eyebrows, tilted head, and goofy smile. Heidi is a pro-flirt, as she distracted the two of them with a comment about the huge ELLEN face sitting on her lap: "You have the bluest eyes.". Ellen blushes again.

Good TV. I obviously love to watch strange unexpected attractions and discomfort, but not in a "reality-TV" way, but rather a "we-just candidly-caught-you-picturing-Heidi-naked, Ellen"- way. I won't speculate too much, as it will bore you, and make you think I am over-sexed and over-analytical...but I think seeing that is just a sweet little life nugget of real behavior. We are, after all...human.

Take a look at the second half of their encounter (it's even funnier if you just listen to it):




"So we make small and big balls?" - HK
"Which do you like?" - ED
"Both" - HK
"I don't know a lot about balls, Heidi" - ED
"You have never tried balls? Is this your first ball experience?" - HK

I don't normally crush on the ladies, but some how watching Ellen getting all funny inside about Heidi Klum, made her LOOK sexy. What? I don't know. Everyone has an Ellen crush right? Whatever. Whose an anthropologist-psychologist-sexual behavior-person? They know. It's normal.

Whatever.

It's that time...Updated Top 3 (get 'em, bed 'em)

1. Ryan Reynolds. For the love of abs....why does this guy make me want to throw a trapper-keeper down, pull off my panties and chase him down a long hallway? His looks are ridiculous, and his personality takes me back to high school. Maybe I am ovulating soon or something, but I want to lick his belly button. Scarlett may have real boobs, but it wont last. This guy was engaged to Alanis....he LOVES crazy, unstable, complicated, dark funny girls. I AM IN.

John Stewart: This needs no explanation. He is salt n pepper, he is funny, he has hairy hands...( that aren't small). It works. His smile is infectious, so is his girly giggle. Do you remember him in Playing by Heart? Now that is totally shagable. Plus, the guy doesn't get nervous....how does he keep so cool? I need stability...I will stabilize on his lap. (woa...I must be dropping eggs)

Jake Ryan: Maybe its the beautiful, grey mist of depressing cloud cover and cold, but I am reminiscing on the high-school years. The stomach-drops and long conversations on phones with actual chords. I miss hanging out in front of school building waiting for a crush to walk out, and then looking up shyly only to notice he didn't notice me. I miss that kind of pure longing and sweet redemption when the stars align with hormones and coolness, and you momentarily get the one you wanted. Awe.

For those who have forgotten. My husband and I have a deal....a running joke really, but it's fun. If you, by some miracle can "Get" an a-lister, you can "BED" them with no reprecussions. Hell, I would high-five him if he could bed Angelina Jolie...What? It's a decent proposal. It changes all the time. Bill Murray was my only shot so far...I think.

He has Scarlett, hm...maybe we stage a coup de coeur! Deux d'un!

Top 3 Update for February.(Get'm Bed'm)

Now that I am feeling like myself again....I can think about men. So...
1.) Tom Brady - He will win the big game and make American History. I don't want to hear him speak or watch him be disgruntled about the praise he is getting. I just like to look at him, a physcial specimen handling all kinds of pressure and orchastrating 11 men whilst millions watch. That's sexy.








2.) Christian Bale: This man can ACT! I loved him in American Psycho, he was incredibly heroic in Rescue Dawn, and everything in between, including Batman. He just looks good. I think he smells good too. Like man-room, clean soap and leather. Sibi is a lucky little lady.



3.) Eric Dane: I miss Grey's Anatomy. Not because I love the way they repeat every word for emphasis, Not becuase I can't get enough of Dr. Gray and McDreamy having emo-power plays....Mostly because I miss looking at Eric Dane and his sweet steal eyes and pursed pink lips. This man is chemically imbalanced with testerone overload. Everything he does exudes sex.He could throw like a girl, trip over a rug corner, fall on his face and then mis use a cliche catch phrase all in the same minute, and still look sexy to me. His is probably the ONLY beard that I want to tickle me in oppurtunistic places. Hm....

In high school we named boys that we had crushes on in ranking order of possibility. "No arms" was someone you could never, under any circumstance, date. If the guy you really like was "out of arm's reach" this guy was ungettable. Hence, the term "No arms". Mine, in high school was a man named: Brad Norton. The misfortune and irony of how that played out is novel worthy. A sink. A senior. A loss for me. Then single, A bar in Boston on Boylston -no dice, then, a hardware store in Chicago, no dice. What are the odds that a crush reappears randomly in your life over 10 years only to show you life plays good jokes? I think he is married to a playboy sex-talk host...so it goes.

I should adjust my list....these are all "No arms", actually if the phrase had to be updated for these guys...it would be "No appendage". Yet...I think hard on it anyway. Yum Yum Yum.

Love smells. "Science of Love" in Lulu words.

So, today's buzz so far is about the Science of love. It was on "Good Morning America" this morning, it was on the radio as I drove to work today. So, I thought I'd take a stab at it. I have been shaking my head all morning, tongue clicking and throwing my hands into the air ( even in the car) while saying: "hello? of course!"

Remember, I know nothing in the huge general, academia-scheme of things, but I do, however, understand the tricks and physical manifestation of love-lust with great specificity. I do not have any major accredited degree in the arena of science or clinical testing, but if the following qualify me at all, then listen up: Falling in love, love at first site, love-making, throwing my soul like a sticky centipede onto a man, sucking love from a man like a vortex,tripping into love with unsuspecting men of power, crossing the suggested-sexual innuendo line, staying in lust, losing lust, and other general love-making monkey business.

Okay, disclaimers and self-berating complete. "They say" the following four things heavily, and scientifically factor into how we perceive possible mating partners:

1.) Facial and Hip Symmetry- This is obvious. People like to look at things that are symmetrical, even eyes, lower in the face ,small nose, small lips, nice even body ratio.It makes sense. Look at any beautiful model/actor(s), Heidi Klum doesn't have any strange over-sized features. This is why cosmetic surgery is surging. (sigh)Same with men, however I am shocked at how many good looking men have small hands. ( I AM TERRIFIED, PHOBIC really, of small handed men...sorry)

Tip: You cant do anything about it, so if you have a low-hanging ear or have been referred to as "Captain forehead" , start working on your bright personality. Ultimately, people stick it out with people that make them laugh, and feel appreciated. Looks just get you to the door. There are other entries, this is just the easiest. I think people who find alternate routes are WAY more interesting. I always fell for the funny semi-ugly dudes. (almost always)

2. Ovulation baby! Now, I am confessing another secret, but I have always used my cycles to my advantage. Modeling shoots on days I ovulate, planning trips, etc. It is a remarkable explosion of sexuality when the two O's decide to pop an egg down the shoot. 99% of the time I didn't want to utilize my body's intention for its baby-making signals, but the by-products are sure handy! My skin is tighter, my weight drops by 4 to 5 lbs and I notice everything sexual...the arse on the man walking in front of me to the train, the sway in my hips...I will stop there.

Tip: Just like women are aware of their "off" week. Be just as aware of you "ON" week!You might find you are way more open to perceiving men as intriguing and positively sack-able. Better yet, your confidence is sky high so your chances of being noticed, and allowing for a conversation with Mr. Right, or right now. Run with it. Use protection though!

3.) Smell sells - OKAY. I have said this for years. I am turned on, I confess, by the slight smell of a man's armpit (if he hasn't eaten anything onion or garlicky). Clinical studies found that women given shirts worn by different men, overwhelmingly found the more "symmetrical" men to smell better. I don't know what the heck that means, but I think women enjoy smelling men that had similar genetic scents. (huh?) Yeah, apparently there is some science in the evolution of things, maybe it was to prevent baboons from walking up to an ant-eater and pole dancing to Barry White. It also helped first-cousins be less attracted to each other to avoid not-so-optimal genetic matches. ( Kentucky and West Virgina did NOT get that memo) (awe...that was mean)

3a.)Pheromones: So sexual intentions and feelings can actually travel through air and other particles (According to LiveSource). That said, I guess it flies a little low on the radar, like 10 inches off the ground from our bodies, so unless we are army-crawling through our daily tasks, its not so easy to pick up on.

Tip: Next time you find yourself strangely inhaling your dates whiff as he passes by, see it as a "green light" to proceed. Something in your body is saying you fit. I, personally, think the smell is best identified the morning after, when there is no cologne and perfume left to mask things, but then, there in lies the conundrum. Shirts or Skins? Maybe just first base reconnaissance.

4.) Visual cues: I almost didn't even write this one down because its so obvious. But apply it to yourself. All things being equal, if two people were standing across from you and one had his/her arms crossed and was scouring, and the other was laughing, smiling and standing confidently, who would you want to look at? I'm not saying you have to run around looking cool, and happy, I'm just saying it helps.

Tip: Smile more. Dress in a way that makes YOU feel confident, cool or not, how you feel will come through in how you behave, and look, so feel good!

There you are ladies and lovers....now go smell some armpits!

Top 3 Update (its that time)

1. Tom Brady- A man that can consecutively make no mistakes, and handle enromous amounts of pressure needs to feel the pressure of my body on his...well, let's just say I would be happy to help work on his "end arounds" plays or a quick "push up the middle".

2. Channing Tatum - I saw a preview for "Stop Loss". Yeah. I don't care if he was born in 1980. I have plenty to teach.

3. Hank Moody (David Duchovny)- I cant help myself. I love a tortued, well-versed and sardonic man, pretending to be a non-romantic. Let's say it together- "panty-tsunami" YEA! for him winning the Golden Globe!