Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Interviews: What is your weakness? LIES!

Question: "What would you your greatest weakness?

I protest this question, its too broad? Can I answer I can't run a 4-40, my backbends are pretty square? Categorically? Can I make it an existential thing and say that I have a daughter and I am a woman, and my father's name has died with him, wait, thats irrelevant. Well, my weakness is only the manifested fear of my greatest possibilty of emotional triumph failed, right? Maybe my weakness is not knowing what existential really means? Do you? Really? Wha'ts it all mean? Okay fine...

1. " I work too hard."

2. "I care too much"

3. "I am too hard on myself, and push my limits for minimal recognition."

4. "I abandon all other things in life, except my job."

5. "I pay too much attention to detail, and do it on mulitple projects, with limited supervision"

6. "I put others before myself too often"

7. "Sometimes, Ive been told, I close new business too Im working on pacing myself.

8. "I dont keep up with all my sales goals because I stop paying attention once I triple them."

9. " I have no problem pointing my finger at the weak cog in the wheel or giving all credit to superiors."

10. "I take it personally when someone takes more than the alotted amount of sick days."

Here are some REAL ones I think I should offer:

1. I can't spell. Truly, its uncanny, my knowledge of the english language (and others) surpasses the norm, but I cant put the letters in proper order.

2. I do more work in less time, and use the superflous minutes to check off items on my personal to-do list.

3. I am impatient and actually start to tune people out when they bore me. Sometimes, I will even stop them from talking and say: "really? does this matter?" (not a crowd-pleaser)

4. I love my child more than this job, so I will put her first almost EVERY time the two are in competition.

5. I picture random men naked, on any given day, and that makes me uncomfortable sometimes.

6. I smell everything including the coffee you had this morning, and the onions you had last night.

7. I have worked for 8 years in corporate advertising/marketing and have only turned in 3 expense reports ( because they make me feel guilty) - 100% TRUE.

8. I cant think of any more weaknesses, thats a weakness.

Go be honest, see what happens. Okay, dont...but at least you will smile inside next time you are asked that question.

American Idol round up - Jan 30th 2008

Okay, I have waffled tonight, on putting anything up here for two reasons:

1.) I am so racked with shame for watching this portion of the show. (I love the actual contest, but this part is such a brutal waste of my time, energy, attention and I actually end up walking out of the room with embarrassment FOR the contestents.)

2.) the general footage of "losers" is so bad, they seem so entitled, and so delluded that I actually get frustrated with an entire generation instead of just these few that were edited to illicit that precise reaction.

I did laugh when Simon said to Shannon McGough: "So, you handle meat."
I did laugh when Randy couldnt stop giggling like Beavis when Richard Valles was singing Rascal Flatts. - and on that note: Did Richard sing: "I wipe my brown?" - cool.
I did laugh when a little birdy in my living room said: "I know Im going to be on a business trip one day and see that chick (Julie Dubela) on porn." - Sweet. Now I know what "business trips" are for.

My hopefuls from January 30:
Robbie Carrico or as I will call him: "Skid-row surfer dude guy"
Natasha Blach - because she killed an Etta James song. ("At Last")

In other news, and in a completley deplorable attempt to redeem some semblance of an educated, interested citizen of humanity...John Edwards has bowed out, Rudy Giuliani bowed out, and Arnold Schwarzenegger is endorsing Mcain.

Ira and Abby Quotes - Loved it!

This little Magnolia film made me smile and giggle in the first two minutes. It stars Chris Messina and Jennifer Westfeldt. It's openly desperate and apathetically sprinkled with self-awareness and the hope to be better. Shot in modern day Manhattan, two people find common ground and fly with the connectivity. Candid, unabashed confessions lead to a strange sense of security.

Who has this NOT happened to ( well sans the marriage, meeting parents thing). But in a small vacuum of time, you find a person who gets you, finishes your sentences and allows your guard to drop like boobies after babies. An urban version of "Before sunrise" with today's neurosis and eager enlightenment. Maybe it says something about me, but this movie was more realistic than 27 dresses. (except that everyone runs into everyone in a city of 8M people).

This movie might be a cinematic portrayal of the downside to "living in the moment". Cynasim has it's place, but it gets put in it's place too. I love it. Its duplicity, its human. Its sad and funny and real. In one breath I think: Why do we couple off again? I need some compelling reasons here, and in the next, I think anything other than love and human behavior wouldnt be worth being part of. Go get it.

Funny quotes:

Receptionist at the gym: I feel like guys don't listen to me now that I'm thin.

Ira: I have a fear of perishables, you know, pets, dairy products, produce anything that dies I don't tend to, ugh....not for me.

Abby: I Oh um...I was just hoping we could have sex everyday. You know, like no matter what, even if we're exhausted or one of us has the flu, or a rash, or you know, guests staying with us, like a pact. Would that be OK with you?
Ira: Yeah, that would be....uh.....YES.

Abby: Gypsy cabs are cabs too
Ira: Yeah, if you wanna die, they don't have meters, or a licence, you could end up in an alley..

Ira: I'm Sorry
Leah ( Ira's ex) : What about the break up message? or about the marrying someone else, after convincing me to stay with you 4 times this year alone, cause you needed time to figure things out, or are you sorry about the...what was it?....intermittent erectile dysfunction? or the countless dinners with your parents, or you know what....don't say anything...cause I should be thanking you.

Abby: You know, who are you supposed to believe? A book or just what feels right?
Ira: Doctor, tell her we can't go around, you now, just feeling good all the time, its just not...(flopping hands)...done.

Ira to therapist: I hate the way you get totally reasonable in a crisis situation. I mean, do you see what Im dealing with here!?

Abby: There was trust stuff, and old stuff, and in the end I just wanted to be with you.

Ira: Maybe marriage is just a fad, with an unusally long lifespan....
Abby: Like bottled water
Ira: or man-sandals...

Great tunes in it:
Rilo Kiley - "portions for foxes" and "capturing moods"
The 88 - "It's all cause of you"
Burnside Project: "One to One"

This movie is morally flexible (Big frown, and pointy finger) but it finds a way to be sweet and sincere about how obnoxious we have gotten. It shows our inabiblity to accept a good thing when it comes "too easy". If life throws you sunshine, don't question it, don't over-analyze. Just sit back, let the tingle of a good-burn take over, and soak it in.

"Good things" rarely last, but waiting for it to stop doesn't make you better, it just makes you someone who didnt enjoy a good thing...

5 thoughtful ways to a smiling face today.

1. Be Grateful: Take stock right now of 3 things you get to be wasteful of that people elsewhere don't. Maybe you poured an entire bottle of "smart water" into the sink, because it was "old". Maybe you have a healthy beautiful child that thinks you are the world. Maybe YOU are well and capable of walking, talking, cartwheeling and you forget to notice that some people can't. Maybe you woke up today, and had no particular stressors. Yeah! Be grateful.

2. Practice Perspective: Whatever particular strain of "demon" or negative inner rhetoric is banging down your self-esteem or obstructing your view, try and pull back and look at the whole picture. Is this going to mean anything to you in six months? in six days? It's very easy to get caught in the problems of right now, but better to keep things where they belong, in perspective to the bigger picture of our lives. Does what he/she thinks change anything?

3. Roll and Bounce: There are so many things we cannot control....and most of the time we are running like mad on the hamster wheel to change the direction of things. If you get handed a blow at work, bounce back. It happened, you cant change it. Move on. If a lover or friend needs you at an inconvenient time, or worse, leaves you...roll with it. Being rigid, and the inability to bend with the constant sway of change can brake you. Understand that your value is in your core, and your capacity to evolve with all the things around you that are inevitably going to change makes YOU better.

4. Give Oil to Silent Wheels: I think it's sad that the "squeaky wheel gets the oil". Life shouldn't work that way, but it does. Make it a personal mission to love and appreciate the people in your life that need MINIMAL attention and codling. We tend to take t hem for granted, some times we are flat out mean to the one's we love the most out of pure comfort level. Snap out of it. Love them FIRST, and hardest, with all you have. The rewards and reciprocation are two-fold, because there is no over-extension in the first place. Pay attention to who they are. Notice how little they appear to need, and give them the best you've got.

5. Reclaim your time: We spend so much of our days over-planned and busy, or aggressively staking our "down time" by vegging out in front of the TV or sleeping. Try setting a goal of taking ten minutes out of everyday to have focused meditation time for yourself. Maybe its a quiet walk where you replay your day, and think of positive things you are grateful for. Maybe you think of five people you want to send happy thoughts to, whatever it is. Be conscious, be aware, be positive. You will no doubt, feel better for having taken the time to marinate in your thoughts, yourself, and your intentions.

Yeah, you want to roll your eyes..S'ok. Hey, I'm just psyched we are almost done with January. Tom Brady is going to be in my living room on Sunday, M&M's are going to be pink and red next week, the sun is out, I haven't heard about Britney Spears in awhile..things are on the up.

It's the little things...Get easy to please or get gone.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

American Idol - Jan 29, 2008

I could have watched CNN broadcasts like I have been for the past countless nights. I could have played scrabble, spent more time understanding the signals of today's consumer-led recession, studied grammatical prudence, or read "Save the Cat goes to the movies" but I didn't. I watched American Idol. I'm debating on who will be my crush for the AI season.

I am slowly but surely enjoying Ryan Seacreast. It is a strange attraction. He seems so little, but I want him in that you're-cute-and-I'm-familiar-with-you-now-so-let's-do-it kind of way. Jokes and fast wit (even when cheesy) really can butter me up.

Simon and his v-necks are killing me. If he hung his sunglasses on that sweater, they would be dangling past his dangle-parts. Its unbelievable, but I still want to smell his neck, and have him say dirty things to me. Okay. I have digressed deux times...

Observations and Predictions from AI-1/29 ( there weren't really any great quotes)

-Sarah Whitaker still has her toddler teeth.
-Samantha Sidly sounds amazing and I predict she will be in top 10. Little girl, big voice.
-Johnny Escamilla makes me want to lash myself for laughing at his hair. Guilt. Guilt. Guilt.
-Leo Marlow -future Top 20. Once he drops the vest. Hip Hip hooray for outta-the-closet boys from small towns in Iowa!

Off you go.

Monday, January 28, 2008

Strange observations that were made today:

1. A co-worker saw the hot pink/red elastic band around my wrist (I stole my daughters ponytail) and said: "Is that your Kaballah band?"

2. The little scroller on the mouse feels very much like a female part that will remain unnamed.

3. (that said...)I think everyone deserves to have a song with THEIR name in it played while their ex-lover is getting intimate with their new lover. Imagine if your name was "Layla" and right as your ex was peeling some panties down a woman's legs it piped out of the radio: "What are you doin' when your lonely?/No one waiting by your side/Like a fool, I fell in love with you/(blah, blah)... Layyyyyyla." Perfect. I wonder if that has ever happened to George Harrison?

4. I have a strange and unvalidated respect for women who drink Whiskey.

5. How obscure is TOO obscure when it comes to music tastes? I love High Fidelity, but do people even appreciate your knowledge at that point?

6. I think Christian Bale should be on my Top 3 now.

7. Men don't need nipples.

8. Love really does get easier to forget over time.

9. The lead singer of Counting Crows is not pleasant to watch sing. Either is Meatloaf, or Maroon 5 ( he is a petite man). It shouldn't factor in, but it does. Lyle Lovett...I could listen to him all day and night, but doesn't mean I want to look at him sweat.

10. 6 days until Tom Brady flexes his perfect arse around and beats down the Giants.

2008 SAG Award Sum up.... Winners: The year of incoherent speeches.

I was so excited to see Actors at an award show. The dresses, the red carpet, the un-rehearsed moments....But there are two things that stuck out: 1.) Hollywood as I knew it is getting older (not a bad thing) but I didn't notice until last night. and 2.) They need to practice speeches more.

Lets start with the results:
Outstanding Perf. by a Male Actor in a Leading Role: Daniel Day Lewis - There will be Blood.
Outstanding Perf. by a Female Actor in a Leading Role: Julie Christie - Away from Her
Outstanding Perf. by a Female Actor in a Television Movie or Miniseries- Queen Latifa

Outstanding a Male Actor in a Television Movie or Miniseries- Kevin Kline
Outstanding Perf. by a Male Actor in a Supporting Role: Javier Bardem- No Country for Old Men.
Outstanding a Female Actor in a Supporting Role: Ruby Dee- American Gangster
Outstanding Perf. by a Male/Female Actor in a Drama Series:Edie Falco, James Gandolfini
Outstanding Perf. by a Male/Female Actor in a Comedy Series: Tiny Fey, Alec Baldwin
Outstanding Perf. by an Ensemble in a Drama Series: "The Sopranos"
Outstanding Performance by an Ensemble in a Comedy Series: "The Office"

So..Let's talk about the whacky shite that went list form :
1. What the FECK happened when Micky Rooney said that there was a "TIE" for Female in a mini-series?! There wasn't a tie. I am still trying to wrap my head around that. People are getting old.

2. Why do I always get Micky Rourke and Mickey Rooney mixed up? (I'm too young)

3. How old is Tom Selleck? Why does he seem so incapacitated? I'm not joking, Is he ok? There is no way that is what 60 looks like? I'm concerned. OKAY CORRECTION: It was Burt Reynolds. Damnit. I KNEW that. Like Mickey Rourke and Mickey Rooney....Tom Selleck, Burt Reynolds. (head hung in shame)

4. Is James Gandolfini just uncomfortable with crowds? or does he hate everyone? I couldnt tell if I should applaud his humilty or push a button to cause a forced blackout screen on him for his lack of gratitude. Things that make you say "Hmm?"

5. Ruby Dee was talking about her book? and laying names out there at panic random. Old. Tilda Swinton got robbed, Cate too. They at least played a role for more than 5 lines!

6. YEAH for The Office! I miss them. I miss Dwight and Michael and Pam...

7. Angelina Jolie is preggers ( maybe twins!)

8. Is it me, or did Tom Cruise seem so nervously angry and suspecting. I used to love him. He freaks me out.

9. Charles Durning's speech was sweet, funny and charming. Especially his openly nonchalant closing: "See you later." It felt so familiar and human. That's always nice.

10. How is it that the best speech came from Javier Bardem, and English is his second language?

I take nothing away from how incredible some of these Actors are at ACTING, but man is it clear, people need writers... It's fun. They make millions, they can take a little criticism on their inability to speak spontaneously under enormous pressure. If I got paid millions of dollars to work for 4 months, Id make it a priority to speak well in the very least of my improvements.

Oh poo poo on you too! I am merely saying what YOU thought. I love them all. I jest. Take a joke. I will be old and bumbling too. Hell, I bumble now.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

George Strait kind of night.

Perhaps it was the Judds playing "Grandpa" on my way home from playgroup Friday night, or slow dancing with my little girl to Vince Gill, but something about this weekend was meant to be infused with my Texas days. Tonight particularly, felt saturated in the lone star state.Does music follow us, or do we follow the music? It's an egg-chicken kind of question that makes me wonder, like so many things, if we create our reality from the subtlety around us.

I have been leaning ever so slightly back into the comfort and chaos of being young, having everything in front of me, learning the world one unraveling truth at a time. First fears, first day at school, first kisses, and a conveyor belt of new beginnings and personality shifts based on my surroundings. One of which was music... Country music: Clint Black, Randy Travis,George Strait, Garth Brooks, The Judds, Alison Kraus, Brooks and Dunn, Waylon Jennings, Trisha Yearwood, Reba, Alabama, Willie Nelson...I could go on.

It's bizarre that so many of my fondest memories involve a whining guitar and some twang. I actually think I learned some of my best story-telling from some of Country's greatest lyrics. The very butt of so many jokes about the genre of music, is what makes it speak volumes to me... literally. I still can smell the bailed hay that bordered the dance floor at the outdoor strawberry fests. The warm smell of Houston humidity in the fall. Sitting outside in the dim light of an "exit" sign at school waiting for some awkward young boy in cowboy boots to ask me to dance. We believed in love then, we hoped for it.

It's hard for me to hear George and not feel washed over with the overwhelming feeling that everything will be fine. He "gets" women, and gladly exposes his own vunerability. (Cringe-worthy cheese, I know) He laughs at himself in songs like "the chair" and consoles a woman's heart with validation like "he must have really hurt you bad." I still feel like two-stepping and nuzzling my forehead under a cowboy's chin when I hear: "you look so good in love" or "ocean front property". I can't explain it (even though I just spent ten minutes trying) but every soul needs the hug of good music-memories when they start reaching out to hold you. Mine started two days ago, and when I finally listened to the signals, I sat down and played some good Ole' country heart-ache.

Judge away....I will be here, soft and sweet, with my thumbs tucked into my Levi pockets. Swaying with my eyes closed, under a weeping willow softly flapping shadows over the moon's reflection on a lake.

Saturday, January 26, 2008 you've changed?

What I bought at a drugstore 15 years ago:
1. Garpage Pail Kids
2. Bonnie bell Bubble Gum Lipgloss
3. Face masks
4. PEZ dispensers
5. Whacamacallit, Now N Laters, Fundip, and Pixie stix
6. Hubba Bubba and Big League chew gum
7. Teen Beat and Young Miss
8. Silly Putty
9. Blue eye shadow ( b/c it was "really pretty")
10. Love's Baby soft perfume

What I bought today (at a drugstore):
1. Nyquil ( day and night) cold pack
2. Ferrero Roches (18 pk)
3. "O" Magazine and Vogue
4. Lemongrass candle
5. Baby wipes
6. Bottled water
7. Face mask ( bingo! That's the same)
8. Q tips
9. Imodiom Advanced
10. Milk

Friday, January 25, 2008

Going to the movies alone.

Anyone who knows me well knows that I have a bit of an addiction to seeing movies BY MYSELF. It was all born out of pure circumstance. You have a baby, you have no relatives in the same state (and only one in this country) so you learn to adapt. You take turns doing things.

That's not to say I never did it before. I remember my first movie alone was "Serendipity" at Webster theatre in Chicago on a Friday night with tons of couples. I was defiant. I loved it. It feels so rebellious. It's like breaking rules, and stealing quiet time in a public place. My heart skips a beat when I open up a movie listing page and see that the timing works perfectly. The smell of popcorn and oil and nasty hot dogs, and new(or old) carpet sends a warm calm through my spine.

There are so many choices involved, I guess I feel a tiny sense of power, a sense of NOT worrying about anyone else. It is pure selfishness that has no negative effects. I pick the movie, when I want to go, eat what I want, sit where I want, and have no distractions. If someone is annoying me, I stand up and move, or better leave and go see something else. Ahhhhh....its a simple pleasure of playing hooky.

Things you need to know before going to the movies alone:

1.) Always use the electronic kiosk. Avoid lines, and the embarrassing request of : "One for Jane Austen Book Club, please."

2.) NEVER, I repeat NEVER, get your refreshments before going to the bathroom. There is not a purse shelf, or any place to put food other than the floor. Nasty. I didn't realize this until AFTER I had purchased a salted pretzel with some aseptic cheese (YUMMY!). Won't happen again. There went $5.50 in the toilet....Literally.

3.) Timing matters. Choose the show in the middle of the day, odd times yield less people. 3:00, 2:20, 1:55. Most people are working.
3a.) Be prepared for strange samplings. Just don't look around.

4.) Make Good Decisions. Be thoughtful of people you might see movies with later, and pick movies they would never want to see. Especially if your movie-going is a secret. No one ever asks to see "I'm not there, 300, The Savages, The Bucket List, The Orphanage...etc with me. You might get forced into seeing movies multiple times if you go too mainstream. ( If you are attached in any way)

5.) Sit wisely. Obviously try and stay away from the chatty ladies who have been talking since their tickets were split. Stay away from the strange man in a trench coat, or the woman in the ski-hat who is rocking from side to side. I prefer to go to the very top back( where you can put your feet up on the railing) or the center of an empty aisle. Also...if the theatre isn't empty and you didn't see any handicapped on your way in, score that seat. NO ONE can sit next to you...heaven.

Get a little. You might just start a new vice. It feels so good it can't be bad...

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Anderson Cooper and Erica Hill - Flirt me the news!

I am curious to know what kind of spikes Anderson Cooper, John Stewart and Stephen Colbert are seeing on their shows due to the writers strike. I find that these three men take turns making me giggle, tilt my head and pause, and smile with sheer glee and anticipation of what's to come next. Anywho...

I was absolutely convinced that Anderson Cooper and Erica Hill are doing all kinds of lascivious things. That kind of chemistry can't be manufactured. It's fantastic! It's like watching the news being discussed with undertones and surprising hope that one will slip and let on to their secret love affair. It sure is keeping my attention crisp. They are so fast to quip, so clever and funny... the long pauses, the sweet looks? I am in pure amazement. He actually made a comment about her "wiggling" last night and all kinds of terrible innuendos went flying through our living room. It's pure genius.

She is married, she has a child....yada too.... I know, I know....chances are it is just some pent up excitement that their ratings are flying, and both of them have that fast-tongue spit-fire,whip-smack compatibility, but I am glued now. Keep it up kids. It's too fun to watch. If you can't get your fill of good suggested sexual tension from dramedy syndication these days, well,you can get it with your news. Sure beats watching people sell their souls with "truths" that should never be sold for $500k.

Anderson Cooper ( because of Erica Hill) just made my Top 3 "Bed 'em get 'em". I don't care what people speculate....His sexuality just lit up by pure proxy to watching those two flirt. Silver never looked so good to me.

I can't help but feel a little trite and dirty knowing if they both looked like the guy behind the bodega register on 9th I'd call it disgusting and flagrant...but this is America. Yeah, Yeah, We can ponder how beauty is on the inside and news can't be sold with sex tomorrow.
Today I love these two. Well played CNN. Well played.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

You know you graduated in the 90's if...

Not that I care, but everything I am about to throw to this screen is going to age me. If you don't get it....then maybe you are facing mid life with your mommy-jeans and happily going about your biz in the mini-van or climbing the glass staircase at work on your way to true AARP financial stardom.

You are my age (roughly) if:

When you were in elementary school you:
- Totally loved going to the computer lab to play Oregon Trail
- Did the KiD N Play to Rob Base and DJEasy Rock's "Joy and Pain"
- Wore a pop swatch watch
-Wore Multiples and espirit
- Went to slow-dance parties, where "Every rose has its thorn" played on heavy rotation.
- Wore "jellies" (crocs: been there, done that..TYVM)
- Were a "Rad Racer" and "Zelda" warrior.
-Wanted to be a character in Pretty Woman.
-Saw the Challenger go down in a library, rec hall, or lunch room on January 28th.
- Heard Tears for Fears dominating radio play and older sisters/brothers rooms.
-Wore UMBRO shorts.

When you were in Junior High you:
- Got annoyed when your parents had "the lite" station playing Phil Collins in the car.
- Knew every episode of "The Cosby's"
- Engaged in hard core hand holding with someone wearing Z Cavaricci's or skids
-Wore Obsession, Electric Youth, Eternity or Drakkar ( 4 spray min.)
- Were"Pegging your pants" and wearing "Scrunchies"and banana clips.
- Hung out at the roller rink and loved to speed skate to Europe's "The final Countdown".
-Watched MTV every possible minute you could, and it was ALL music.
-Owned a sticker, t-shirt or magnet that said: "Just Say No."
-Thought Mariah Carey was amazing.

When you were in High School you:
- Wanted to move to Seattle when you "grew up".
-Wore long flannel shirts, usually strench pants with stirrups
-Almost cried to just about every Tracy Chapman song
-Tucked shirts with shoulder pads into your skirt/pants and Bloused heavily
-Finally understood what a SCUD was, and what HIV really meant.
- Loved Pearl Jam , Alanis Morrisette, Salt N Pepper, Nirvana, Smashing Pumpkins.
- Didn't think it was strange that people had tags on their hats.
-SNL is where you got your news, current events and laughs.
-Jerry McGuire shaped how you expected "love" would go.
-Wanted Airmax 95's, game boys, and anything Tommy Hilfiger for Christmas
-Watched "Dances with Wolves" and "Forrest Gump"
-Had a crush on a guy who had a flat top ( or you had a flat top)
- Loved Dresses or skirts with buttons all the way down the front.

It goes fast. One day we will remember these days of ipods and blackberries, digital HD and DVD, blogs and reality TV, Uggs and "sex in the city", "going green" and working in offices , instead of telecommuting with shaking heads and fond memories.

Be here now. Laugh at yourself now. Let's get a head start. I will save us the suspense. We are going to be uncool to somebody, all the time, forever.

Kriss Kross 'll make ya!......

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Hold Heath Ledger in Your Heart

Tonight is dark with the confusion and a grieving mist that sweeps in at first sight of loss. It holds court over the hearts and minds of people who loved a man. He took risks on the projects that would make him grow, and he was, at the very least, for whatever reason, by whatever means, lost today. On January 22nd 2008. Heath Ledger was 28. He is gone.

Think about the reality and finality of all of this. Take thought with your intentions, your grudges, your passion and feuds. Notice how unsuspecting we all were, how surprised everyone is when a life is lost so early, and so fast. He was a father and a son. He was a friend, and a lover, an ex-boyfriend and brother. Acting was his craft, and although we reserve the right to judge his performance, we know not his story... He didn't tell it.

I feel so sad thinking through his day and night. Did he tell the people he loved how he felt? Did he have that eerie feeling this day was his last? More sadly, I ponder the pain his parents will endure. Michelle Williams is going to face misplaced guilt, and mourning for her daughter who will be fatherless. The shock-stricken friends who will spend weeks, maybe months looking at a number they should delete from their blackberries.

I didn't know him but I respected his capacity to challenge himself, and work hard at what he did. I am helpless in relation to anything personally involving him or those who loved him, but perhaps we control what we can.....Let's make a point NOT to sensationalize a man who took pride in protecting his privacy. Let's make an effort to support media that celebrates the accomplishments that he chose to give us, rather than take facts as they spin our way and speculate. Let's do our best to explain the tragedy of his timely death to our children, instead of exploit his daughter. She will have it hard enough.

Hold Heath Ledger in your heart, let it sit for a moment and feel the depth of it's discomfort. See the imaginable hole of the loss of a man you never knew beyond the characters he played. See how sad that makes you, this stranger. He had a full heart that stopped today.

Take inventory after you read this. Life is finite, fragile and fleeting. Say what you need to. Love who you can, and forgive what you must and be grateful. A quote I found from him:

"I'm not good at future planning. I don't plan at all. I don't know what I'm doing tomorrow. I don't have a day planner and I don't have a diary. I completely live in the now, not in the past, not in the future."

Be in Peace Heath Ledger. Our hearts are heavy with love for all who miss you, and forever will.

Films he was best known for:

"10 Things I hate about you"
"A Knights Tale"
"Lords of Dogtown"
"The Brothers Grim"
"Brokeback Mountain"
and most recently, "I'm not there" and "The Dark Knight"

Monday, January 21, 2008

Love Stickits: Simple benefits to Positive Words:

I had this silly idea one cold, rainy, fall day. A friend of mine and I were IMing at work, and bouncing around ideas for starting "managable businesses".Mine, was to create pre-printed post-it notes that said happy, positive things. I thought of every over-the-top peppy positive thing I could. Here is a small sample of what came out...

"Kindness is underated. Overate it."
"Love today, it is contagious"
" You add such value to this world"
" Man you look thin today!"
" He loved you, you love you more, so who cares."
“Behold what you can do when you do it with love.”
“Today isnt yesterday, start fresh, use powder.”
“Count three things that make you fantastic”
Every time you kiss your children, they warm with your love.”
“Mistakes made me better. Hope kept me sane.”
“No negative thinking today. I FEEL GOOD.”
“He missed out, he knows it. I know it. Lets eat.”
“Nothing tastes as good as being kind to yourself feels.”
“ Be grateful. Be loved. Be fair.”
“Be gentle with yourself.”
“why NOT smile?!!!!”
“ I can find my way out of this. I always do.”
“Fall in love with yourself today. Why not?”
“Breakups mean the beginning of getting somewhere better.”
“Raise your head and raise your children with pride.”
“Guilt Schmilt! I deserve to be happy.”
“Okay, its not easy, but I am shocking myself with this strength!”
“ How can I make today better….right now?”
“Choose to find peace.”
“Give no one the power to change a good fresh morning mood.”
“Feel the heat? Yeah, that’s you sexy.”
“ I believe in you above all else. I believe in you.”
“ Only what you think can change they way you see it.”

Yeah? Whatever...I never said I was cool. You smiled. So it worked. Go Stickit and be happy.

27 dresses lead to enjoyment of mutant in NYC hand-held camera excursion.

I love Katherine Heigel. Truly. I think she is great for many reasons. However, I had to stop myself from leaving the theatre during this dreadful epitome of ridiculous dreams and aspirations for a wedding. I am not bitter. I am annoyed. 27 Dresses let me down, way down.

I am the first to run to a seemingly cute romantic comedy. Especially if I like the main actress. This movie however, only had four (small) positives for me.

1.) A great Feist song: "I feel it all"
2.)A good Ray Lamontagne song: "Be here now"
3.) James Marsden has pretty blue eyes.
4.) A funny scene of botched lyric-singing to Elton John's "Benny and the Jets"

The rest...well, it blew molasses. I am serious. Aside from a few great disdainful comments about the commercialized, over-emotionally-charged consumer behavior of brides, the overall story was barely entertaining. I felt compassion for Kathrine's character, but the plot falls apart, and by fall apart I mean it becomes simply implausible.

By the end, I have NO sympathy for the younger sister with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and feel almost completely detached from all parties involved. The loosely tied together "perfect ending" had too much slap stick humor attempts to be taken seriously. I think I blew out a few eye-socket ligaments from my profuse eye-rolling. Oh, and its a short screenplay, no need to re-use "Merriment". It's funny the first time, clever even. Don't push it....Ugh.

Let's put it this way: I was so disgruntled by its bouncy, soft-filter, cliche-ridden far-fetched story, I needed something a little more minutes later, I saw Cloverfield. Awe, Much better.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

4 Things that baffle me weekly.

I was sitting around, lightly panting at Tom Brady' s arse bouncing around in silver tights. Let me be clear. People think I want to bake cookies for, snuggle up to, or have a meaningful conversation with him. I like to LOOK at him. I think quotes can be found saying I want his trap shut. He probably is a jerk. I don't like Giselle, and I have always been a fan of Bridget. She had my name in one of her movies...what? Anywho, hem-hahers...I have some baffling, trite lists to get to. Here goes.

1. Time lapse inconsistency: If ever a reason to believe in time-travel, consider how some days go so slowly, they feel as if pulled on a rickshaw by an obese, snail with a shell injury. I actually question if some group of MIT students have found a wormhole and are inserting extra minutes into the universe at random, and laughing while drinking their Superfood from Starbucks. "He he he....look, she just checked her watch three times since 3:02, add another one!"

2. Static Electricity: I know, I know, protons, electrons...opposites attract. I will wear more "anti-static" moisturizer, sure that is first on the list when I am running through the beauty aisle. Why does my cat shock me three times for every minute we spend together? And why does his hair not look static-y? Why does a dryer sheet take it away? Where does the static travel on bald men? Why can't static energy be converted to alternate fuel solutions?

3. Hollywood Baby boom: Am I just getting older, or are the editors of trash mags getting more interested in family time? I feel like everyone is having children. Were they NOT having children before? I have been reading People Magazine since I can remember, and I dont remember 4 pages being devoted to " new arrivals". Hollywood starlets sporting the big belly or the need-bag in hand: Nicole Richie, Kristina Aguillera, Toni Colette, Halle Berry, Nicole Kidman, JLo, Jessica Alba...the lists goes on. Are we too obsessed with weight that women aren't using birth-control? Is there going to be an entire generation of kids from the 2000's that were born as fads, and neglected to walk the earth in abandonment and fame blame? I don't get it...

4. Clothing size disparity: It's bad enough that I was in a changing room at Banana Republic trying to find some "cabana wear" for my upcoming trip when my toddler pokes a finger into the skin of my bum as if to test a bubble. She says: "Yucky bottom mama". Right then, I should have left. But how do THREE different size pants ALL NOT FIT? One size at one place is too big, at a different store, that same size won't button, at the next place the same "size" wont creep past my ankle. Unless the static and hormonal mood shifts of my body are able to morph into skin pads that move, someone is trying to play tricks on me! I think there should be sizes set by menstrual cycle, condfidence level and state. Seriously. I will take that pair: "MC: high-alert PMS, C: rock bottom, S:Illinois". The pants would be a forgiving size 8 that says its a size 4. Thank you. Made for women, by women. Thats my next endevour. Done and Done.

I need a happy, tinker sparkly Monday. No, I need to BE Tom Brady's hand wamer. Oh yeah.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Taylor Swift crosses over!

No, I don't mean she has Epsom salts and voodoo dolls. She was on the VH1 Top 20 today. I actually like country music ( pause for boo's). "Tear Drops on my guitar" (pop-single) has been tweaked to careen like a flat-bed ford into mainstream. It is about a sweetheart from what? Grade School? Its sweet. Drew. Good name. In any event the tempo is picked up, its less twangy and whiny, and definitely more breathy...PERFECT!

I can guarantee that my 2 year old daughter and I will be belting this song out on the radio on our commercialized drives to and from the gym, grocery, and other fun outings. It got me thinking, all the top songs, are songs that my toddler can sing (within reason). What does that say about pop standards? An easy hook, repetitive words, that's all you need. I don't know, but here are the songs I am talking about:

"Sweet Escape" - Gwen Stafani: "Wooo Hoooo, Yeeeeee Whoooooo!"

"Umbrella" - Rhiannon: Toddler-favorite: "El-la, El-la, Eh, Eh, Eh...."

"Big Girls Don't Cry" - Fergie : My kiddo actually sang this to me unprompted one morning when I dropped a can on my foot.

"Hey there Delilah" - Plain White T's: "Ohhhhh what you do to meeeeeeee"

"No One" - Alicia Keyes - She actually shakes her head and sways her index finger from side to side.

In fact, these songs work so well, that someone is cashing in on it: "KIDZBOP" converts any mature words or drops them completely. Same music. Less guilt. It's actually a great option for parents. Selling out as a music lover just got easier: After all, who will judge you? You are doin' it for the kids! If you are parent or know a parent...this is a great gift idea. Trust me. It beats the alternatives!

What happened to good pop music that a grown adult couldn't sing? Let alone a toddler. Lyrics meant something. Songs were unpredictable. Like, lets say: We Didn't start the fire". Now, that was fun...I bet I spent hours pressing play and pause on a tape recorder to write down, and memorize those lyrics.

PS: I DON'T want a piece of Britney. I think she needs to find some peace in a padded room until she is 30.

Friday, January 18, 2008

Movie : Young at Heart (Young@Heart)

Young@Heart plays at Sundance Premier.

This new Walker George musical documentary looks incredibly light-hearted, real and funny. I am the first to admit "Old People" scared me. I never really had grandparents, and had a few too many visits to the geriatric floor with my mother ( an RN). This trailerproves the ability of the human mind and soul to respond to collaboration and music. I knew it!

Life is too fragile a journey to disregard the simplistic beauty in what these men and women do ( seeing and living what they have). They still find the passion to sing The Ramones, Sonic Youth, and Coldplay!

Just take a look. Mark my words, this movie will make you smile, laugh and rethink your definition of age.

Click Here

3 things you should NOT do this weekend.

1. Watch Mr. Woodcock - Seriously, It hurt to watch, dialogue was lame and predictable. I can't figure out what makes Billy Bob Thorton so "pretty"? Is it his lips? Someone ask Susan Sarandon to fire her agent. I would rather watch Wonder Pets, or Pinky Dinky doo than see a second more of that movie again....and I love overly goofy, in your face comedies about old wounds, bad teachers and awkward karma. Don't see it.

2. Pretend you know what "quid pro quo" means- If you say it, understand it. I will give you a nickle of knowledge here, feel free to through back three cents. It is a legal term that is loosely used as slang, but it means when one thing is exchanged for another( usually when the worth of one of those items is in question). A favor for another, a give and take of relative equality. How many times have you misused it? Hm. Me too. You keep the whole half-dime.

3.Believe the schlong-tent in the first 3 minutes of Dane Cook's movie Good Luck Chuck. - I wont name name's, and I wont say anything about his left angle-hook, but although it encouraged goofy-inhale laughs from men in the room, it was a little self-gratiutious. Needless to say, fabricated. ( literally)

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Where have surprises gone?

I am spending a few minutes on mourning of surprises.

Remember when digital TV guides couldn't destroy your anticipation for the next movie? You would sit, anticipating what was next. Watching the cartoon search-spot lights and hearing the music, and then the voice-over: "Next up on H.B.O...". It was thrilling!

Remember when your phone would ring and you had NO idea who it was. It could be Dirk Benson from the AAU little league that you left your number for in a locker. Maybe he was calling to see if you would go to the dance with him, his dad will drive you in the La Baron? Maybe they will play Rob base and Easy E?Even when it turned out to be Mimi asking about your orthodontist appointment, it was exciting to NOT know!

Remember when emails didn't have a "auto-preview" setting. You would actually have to click on it, wait for it to open in a second window, and read further? People could fake you out with "Subject" entries. Like "Subject: Slide Presentation" and then once you read the actual copy it was all about you being naked, and dirty little moves. Those days? Gone.

Remember when you had NO idea what you were having for lunch, opening up the "Transformers" tin box always smelled like PB&J and stale bananas, but it was a surprise. Maybe it was grilled cheese in a little clingy bag? Maybe you got some chips? Maybe today I would get chocolate instead of fig newtons. Who knew? It could happen.

Let's reprise the surprise....but how?

Love smells. "Science of Love" in Lulu words.

So, today's buzz so far is about the Science of love. It was on "Good Morning America" this morning, it was on the radio as I drove to work today. So, I thought I'd take a stab at it. I have been shaking my head all morning, tongue clicking and throwing my hands into the air ( even in the car) while saying: "hello? of course!"

Remember, I know nothing in the huge general, academia-scheme of things, but I do, however, understand the tricks and physical manifestation of love-lust with great specificity. I do not have any major accredited degree in the arena of science or clinical testing, but if the following qualify me at all, then listen up: Falling in love, love at first site, love-making, throwing my soul like a sticky centipede onto a man, sucking love from a man like a vortex,tripping into love with unsuspecting men of power, crossing the suggested-sexual innuendo line, staying in lust, losing lust, and other general love-making monkey business.

Okay, disclaimers and self-berating complete. "They say" the following four things heavily, and scientifically factor into how we perceive possible mating partners:

1.) Facial and Hip Symmetry- This is obvious. People like to look at things that are symmetrical, even eyes, lower in the face ,small nose, small lips, nice even body ratio.It makes sense. Look at any beautiful model/actor(s), Heidi Klum doesn't have any strange over-sized features. This is why cosmetic surgery is surging. (sigh)Same with men, however I am shocked at how many good looking men have small hands. ( I AM TERRIFIED, PHOBIC really, of small handed men...sorry)

Tip: You cant do anything about it, so if you have a low-hanging ear or have been referred to as "Captain forehead" , start working on your bright personality. Ultimately, people stick it out with people that make them laugh, and feel appreciated. Looks just get you to the door. There are other entries, this is just the easiest. I think people who find alternate routes are WAY more interesting. I always fell for the funny semi-ugly dudes. (almost always)

2. Ovulation baby! Now, I am confessing another secret, but I have always used my cycles to my advantage. Modeling shoots on days I ovulate, planning trips, etc. It is a remarkable explosion of sexuality when the two O's decide to pop an egg down the shoot. 99% of the time I didn't want to utilize my body's intention for its baby-making signals, but the by-products are sure handy! My skin is tighter, my weight drops by 4 to 5 lbs and I notice everything sexual...the arse on the man walking in front of me to the train, the sway in my hips...I will stop there.

Tip: Just like women are aware of their "off" week. Be just as aware of you "ON" week!You might find you are way more open to perceiving men as intriguing and positively sack-able. Better yet, your confidence is sky high so your chances of being noticed, and allowing for a conversation with Mr. Right, or right now. Run with it. Use protection though!

3.) Smell sells - OKAY. I have said this for years. I am turned on, I confess, by the slight smell of a man's armpit (if he hasn't eaten anything onion or garlicky). Clinical studies found that women given shirts worn by different men, overwhelmingly found the more "symmetrical" men to smell better. I don't know what the heck that means, but I think women enjoy smelling men that had similar genetic scents. (huh?) Yeah, apparently there is some science in the evolution of things, maybe it was to prevent baboons from walking up to an ant-eater and pole dancing to Barry White. It also helped first-cousins be less attracted to each other to avoid not-so-optimal genetic matches. ( Kentucky and West Virgina did NOT get that memo) (awe...that was mean)

3a.)Pheromones: So sexual intentions and feelings can actually travel through air and other particles (According to LiveSource). That said, I guess it flies a little low on the radar, like 10 inches off the ground from our bodies, so unless we are army-crawling through our daily tasks, its not so easy to pick up on.

Tip: Next time you find yourself strangely inhaling your dates whiff as he passes by, see it as a "green light" to proceed. Something in your body is saying you fit. I, personally, think the smell is best identified the morning after, when there is no cologne and perfume left to mask things, but then, there in lies the conundrum. Shirts or Skins? Maybe just first base reconnaissance.

4.) Visual cues: I almost didn't even write this one down because its so obvious. But apply it to yourself. All things being equal, if two people were standing across from you and one had his/her arms crossed and was scouring, and the other was laughing, smiling and standing confidently, who would you want to look at? I'm not saying you have to run around looking cool, and happy, I'm just saying it helps.

Tip: Smile more. Dress in a way that makes YOU feel confident, cool or not, how you feel will come through in how you behave, and look, so feel good!

There you are ladies and go smell some armpits!

RADAR Magazines: "100 ways we're trying to go green".

This is one of the funniest lists I have read in a long time. Written by: Todd Levin,Jason Roeder, Mike Sacks, and Ted Travelstead for RADAR Magazine. A few of my favorites:

7. Using Bat signal only when absolutely necessary.
9. When taking cabs, insisting that drivers turn off their headlights.
13. Switching from plastic water bottles to a wooden cup tethered around neck with twine.
17. Settling for slightly less awesome laser shows.
35. Setting T-shirt cannon to "low".
42. Replacing standard light bulbs with keosene soaked torches.
52. Giving Captain Planet another shot.
64. Building McMansion that will biodegrade in two months.
87. Same thing we are doing about the war on terrorism: writing a very impassioned blog post.
93. Recylcing 15 years' worth of "How to Recycle pamphlets".
95. No longer melting polar ice caps with our sizzling hot freakdancing.

Satire will never die.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Sunny Winter Day Nap

I used to believe that people who took naps in the middle of the day were boring, or old. This was before I had a child of my own. This was before I realized that the luxury of sleep would and could only be truly appreciated when it wasn't a choice. Even when my daughter was only months old, I tried not to sleep during the day, claiming it would leave me groggy, or that "I didn't need it." Pfft.

There is something about a good day-time nap that realigns the microcosm of your world. Let's your brain and heart rest from the daily grind of processing and feeling things. It allows for space to slide through the stress and judgement of what we could be doing and make room for what we will do and have done.

Today I took a good nap. Lying on my side, face lightly smooched into the back of the couch, with my knees stacked on one another. The wave of rest and the warmth of my body generates and recirculates under the throw blanket I am holding. It is tucked under my chin. The sun pierces through the cold air and freezing breeze to beam into the windows. It spills light all over me, casting shadows over the shape of everything. Shadows I choose not to look at, but rather imagine in my mind. They are there, and my not witnessing doesn't make them less so.

It was the kind of nap that leaves you feeling like the cover of Carol King's "Tapestry" album. The type of mood that reminds me of being young, and taken care of like the smell of warm chocolate chip cookies that are not quite circular because they were made with real flour, mixed in a bowl, shaped and dropped from a spoon. Real, authentic, inherintly deserved safety and calm. I think how lovely it is that my child feels this way, every day, napping in her big-girl bed upstairs.

Simple indulgence comes in many forms. Mine was a small space on a sunny strip of the couch during a blistery boring winters day.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Top Quotes from American Idol - Tuesday Jan.15

I find it totally entertaining but then guilt sets in the way it did earlier this evening as I ate my 6th cookie while catching a glimpse of "Biggest Loser". It truly breaks my heart to watch as hopeful American Idol faces turn to recognition of humiliation. All that said...

What the feck did you just say?

-Alaa Youakeem - "I wanna love a girl from her ha- hair to the.... nipple."

-Alexis Cohen - ( looks like Amy Madigan from Field of Dreams) - "Take it. Take it. Take it. I am going for actressing."

-Udgeet Sampat- "I did the MC hammer, and such...I looked at it as a creative way to lead a meeting."

-Paul Mataurano- "There is this girl I know, I follow her around, She doesn't notice me it really gets me down. I broke into her house, and tried on her underwear....If I were Columbo, I'd Peter Faulkner..If she were a bathtub, I would caulk her."

-Christina Tolisana- " I want out of my home town, there is nothing there for me other than being a correction officer."

I was thoroughly amused, but I am bewitched, bothered, and bewildered...and hanging my head in shame. I love to hate myself for watching this mess.

What happens now?

I was thinking in a hazard, dooms-day nature that I generally conduct my internal conversations with, and I was wondering: What happens now that we are all saying whatever the flip it is we are saying and it can be universally searched?

In the past, I suspect one could seem quite witty and pretty and nice just by spitting some balderdash and poppycock out at a party. Some political statement, a few dark jokes, and pizam! They were clever.

Now, the stakes are WORLDWIDE pride, the bar is way high and anyone can read it and think: "Eh. I heard that last year." Now, I am way too wordy and petulant to stop now. I am merely throwing the question out there. Will all of it mount up into a huge word pile of jokes, and lists and funny spun lovely words that crash down atomic bomb-ish style into the earths core? Will there soon be some kind of ranking system that decides what caliber of shite you are throwing into free space? "Ltb" -Liscence to blog? Will there be some type of regulating committee and who runs that, the pioneer bloggers?

In any event. I suppose it cant be catastrophic. It might be a bit embarrassing when these pages of mine are cached and ten years from now I will cringe at my top 3 bed em if you can get em list. I have always had a sense that regret is senseless, so I can only imagine that pre-regret fear of regret may prove to be even more silly than anything I could write. ( maybe?)

So. Here's to the fellow bloggers. Judge not what you are saying. Don't obsess about your level of humor, or humanness, or lack of quirky thoughtful suggestions, or obscurity in niche writing. Just be. Be whatever it is that comes to you today, tomorrow, and next time. Life is hard enough, we are hard on ourselves, and most of the time we are busy guessing how bad we will rate. So let go of expectations, you might find some people don't, but most will too.

I don't know about you, but I love a little claptrap,piffle and hooey. I've said it before:


Sandi G spreads the love and wants no fee.

Promment (n.) : When I decide to randomly respond to a comment on my blog as a post. I will decide ( when posted) what that person looks like by searching their "name" on google. Its fun. why not?

Example: "Damn, I love lulu's blog so much, I am going to comment to get a promment!"

Today could have been chalked up to another uneventful ground hog's day. It started that way at least. I went about my routine, checked email, self-loathed a bit in the mirror, then off to my day job. That went as planned, or unplanned as every unscripted but perpetual march through the workplace can go. I actually think at some point I made a mental note to play more country music-not sure why, make sure I DVR the American Idol premiere tonight (silent double-fist pump), and start wearing more royal blue.

Then my handheld buzzed with excitement of a new email/comment/text. And there she was: "Sandi G". My typical prepare-for-the-worst mentality thought, great someone is complaining about Juno lines, or my liberal sexual references and how they effect the overall image on the welcoming board for mommies. But it wasn't. It was sweet and she used the word JOY. I love that word. Look at it. Its round, bubbly and generally satisfying. Go use it. I have to admit a few Grease songs came to mind as I ran through my long list of friends over the years, and none of them share her name.

Maybe she took my advice, sent a stranger some beaming brightness. Maybe she is curious what will happen? Maybe she is somehow making it clear she doesn't want to give me pennies for my thoughts. In any event. I love it. It changed my perspective today. It goes to show, none of us should underestimate that invaluable ripple effect our small and big actions can have.

If nothing else, that is something to smile about. I was starting to think I'd lost that blogging feeling, but its back. Thanks to Sandi. (or the loyal friend/reader who posed as her to watch me post this and laugh) (( cause I am a total sap)). (( and I trust noone)) ((how many parenthesis can I use in one post?)) (((what constitutes the multiple use of them? and when is it no longer funny?)))

That concludes my over-grateful post to a stranger's comment. Don't get any ideas people. I can't do this all the time. Stay tuned for the book. I can hand write you letters from my PR office. Ha. No.

Okay. Thanks.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Beam Brighter in 2 minutes or less.

I am not certain if it is the short days, or the drag of January, but all around me people are tense. I thought I would attempt to shine a little white beam out at the general group of readers, critics, and curious transient mistake hits.

Let me validate you first. Yes it is the season of loneliness and low neuro-peptide releases. Lack of sunshine means lack of vitamin D which helps release more serotonin, but enough about that. Simply put. We are in perpetual lulls of grey. We are trying to look to the future, make plans, see the bright side. That's exhausting sometimes, and you have every right to be a crab. Just know, everything is temporary.

Only you can make the conscious choice to say: "Hm. This whole self-pity, wallow pool of bad-mood stink isn't quite working out for me lately." If your psyche isn't down for the uphill battle of summoning all good thoughts and creating a pillowy-love fest for yourself...try these quick little tid-bits that work for me:

1. Primal scream. Really. Clench your fists and scream as loud as you can (into a cushion, or tuperware) or if you have real balls in the middle of the city. Ha. If nothing else its amusing. I usually do it with my 2 year old, who gladly sees it as a game, we then end up competing to see who has the more glass-breaking pitch. ( she wins)

2. Shove a shopping cart. This is a great one. It works best when there are tons of them stacked behind each other. Take both hands and shove it as hard as you can into the carrel. It has a great domino-metal-crash-bang effect, and no one gets hurt. You could even throw the primal scream in for good measure. 2-in-1.

3. Sing a song. Make this a little more formal by adding a brush or straitening iron for a microphone. Sing the song with everything you have. It is important that the song is cheesy and up beat, and has no major emotional tie to anything.

4. PRT- Personal reflection time. This is my acronym for masturbate. Do it. Trust me. It releases more calming agents into your bloodstream than an entire bottle of wine. Hell, do it twice. Pick an old flame or new random lover for inspiration and roll with it. Park the shame at the bedside. No room for it. You deserve pleasure, and god knows you do it best.

5. Say something nice - It is true that hearing positive words evokes positive feelings. Say something nice to a friend, a loved one, or write a random kindness email or text. The feeling of making someone else feel a little better has a direct effect of making you feel helpful and kind. You might even find it gets reciprocated.

Laugh, heavy pet a friend/or lover, and scream. It works. Go out there and beam bright!

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Top 3 Update (its that time)

1. Tom Brady- A man that can consecutively make no mistakes, and handle enromous amounts of pressure needs to feel the pressure of my body on his...well, let's just say I would be happy to help work on his "end arounds" plays or a quick "push up the middle".

2. Channing Tatum - I saw a preview for "Stop Loss". Yeah. I don't care if he was born in 1980. I have plenty to teach.

3. Hank Moody (David Duchovny)- I cant help myself. I love a tortued, well-versed and sardonic man, pretending to be a non-romantic. Let's say it together- "panty-tsunami" YEA! for him winning the Golden Globe!

Cool Guy.

Last night a friend and I ventured into the cold and wet Viagra triangle of Chicago. We started early, pomegranate martinis in a hotel bar, then off to Rockit where I couldn't take my eyes off of Tom Brady's arse and pass-perfection. So much so that I had to answer a strangers question of : "Wow, you are really into football eh?" with a clear, and visibly annoyed to be bothered: "No, I am really into my boyfriend, Tom." He walked away. It worked.

The night went on, we simmered in our drinks, laughed about how I looked slightly like peter pan in my leggings, high-boots and belted tunic. (well, a cute sienna-miller-styled-peter pan - of course)We giggled in the freedom we had. We contemplated that we could get back to our hotel room at any hour, and sleep in despite the grand irony that we probably wont be out late and will be up by 7am.We parked ourselves at Luxbar and tuned out the scene.

Unlucky for us, a decent looking man approached us, made some obscure unfunny joke about our guacamole and planted himself between us. This is where I feel my tolerance has waned with age. He was the "cool guy" who was completely unaware of himself, or our reaction to him. His first sentence was this: "I have a had a strange day." I said nothing and stared at him with lifted eyebrow. I don't care? I didn't ask, and I know he was hoping we would ask the surely-to disappoint-question in return: "Really.... why?" My friend is from the south, and therefore pretty gracious of men's fragile egos, so she complied.

He went on, and this is not embellished, or edited, no shite, he said it like this: "Yeah, I was at the East Bank Club (plug about his high-society gym) and went down to the bar and drank with all of my friends (there were none with him) because I had a hard day at work. Had to work on a Saturday. Yep. That's what you do when you own your own business, its cool though, I was in the Navy so I am a hard worker. I was going to wash my corvette but the weather guy said it would snow, so I didn't" WHAT THE SHITE?!

This is the point at which I was waiting for Ashton Kutcher to jump out with some new show titled "TMI drop stud show?" Maybe this type of thing can get the girls squirming in their knickers to hear more. I wanted to pimp slap him, explain that corvettes suck, and break down his self-inflated ego one artificial layer at a time. ( I didn't)

I guess I need less sell, more humanness. Perhaps I'm just not into self-aggrandizing. Hell, I will take the honesty approach even if its boring. It's real. Or the random questions guy, or the quiet nervous one. Anything over this shadow of man. Be inventive. I once had a man(who turned out to be a big CEO) tell me he was "clown 4 at the riverside circus rotation". That was funny. If nothing else, creative.

I have a new appreciation for the single women in the world. This type of obligatory, necessary crap-show of goons was tiresome and deflating. Not only does your presence in a bar get translated as a signal to meet(even if you just want to gab with friends), but it offers so many strange and forced scenarios. Paying the crazy singing lady in the bathroom to hand you a towel. Rubbing butts with every man standing in the crowd lining the bar. Inevitably paying more than you should because you are too lazy to really look at the tab....and some nights, at best you talk to "Cool guy" for half an hour because you don't want to lose your seats, and he has no radar picking up the signal of "Go the FECK away."

Godspeed women. May the force be with you.

Friday, January 11, 2008

Grey needs some 90's color.

This is the grey, wintery, dead-tree view from my home office. Sure, Elm trees are pretty, but when they are naked, they can bring through some frigid ice-vein type emotions.

First thing I think to do? Find some cheesy 90's music to lift my spirits. And the line up went like this. So Sit back, reminisce, make fun, laugh, don't matter....just don't bite it. ( sorry).

These songs came in no intellectual order. I'm merely laying down what got presented in this silly head of mine:

1. Londonbeat: "Ive been thinking about you" - Love this! Bob the head to the left. First line: "We must have been stone-crazy....thinkin' we were just friends." SHUUWAUUUBOOOWWW"

2. Marc Cohn: "Walking in Memphis" - Never could understand why, but this song is so chalk-full of needless details that make you feel like sitting back to hear the story. I'm warming up already.

3. New Radicals: "You get what you give" - This song makes anyone think of driving around a California beach sitting on the headrest of an old drop top....Or singing in a mall? Maybe.

4. Mr Big: "To be with you" - C'mmmmmmmmmmon? This is so filthy cheesy, hundreds of thousands of men pretended to hate it, but secretly sang in their cars on the way to school. I bet entire backseats of frat boys sang it in unison. Nice.

5. Silk: "Freak me" - This song speaks for itself. If you can sing it without laughing, well, that's your prerogative (another song to laugh at), but man, this song makes me smile.

I feel better. Don't you?

"SHUUWAUUUBOOOWWW...Do it again in falsetto!..."SHHUWAUBOOOWWW"

Thursday, January 10, 2008

NO! I don't want your stale cookies and choco-bars!

5 reasons you can use to explain to the little league of boys and girls clubs asking you to buy their $5.00 chocolate bar to support their uniforms.

1.) "Well, sweetheart, while you and your mommy are standing here in the rain guilt-tripping schmucks like my husband, there are hundreds of thousands of Ugandan children who haven't even tried a "Samoa cookie" and they would be ecstatic just to eat a maggot-filled piece of bread on their six hour walk barefoot to a caged security housing unit to keep the rebels from stealing what life they have left. You go ahead and ask the next lady, OK?"

2.) Like Donald would say: " You just asked me to spend more money after I have been walking around a grocery store with my 2 yr old. I don't feel giving, If you were smart you would have camped outside a yoga studio or somewhere else where people spend frivolous amounts of money, like a boutique, or tanning salon. You picked a poor didn't have a marketing plan. As Project Leader, I can't believe this was so poorly executed on your part. No research. You failed."

3.) " Aweee. Isn't that nice of you to be pushing your artificially flavored chocolate imitation bars, with tree-nuts in it, but my children all have food and nut and milk allergies, and frankly, eating your candy could end in death. Maybe you should sell something a little more healthy like wheat-grass shots, or organic hand sanitizers? hm?"

4.) " I appreciate your efforts, but I really feel like it would be a better use of your time to protest things that matter, like decreasing our dependence on foreign oil, better health care or maybe request money to fight the African resistance army's slave trade for diamonds in Angola that your mother clearly supports by the look of her jewelery. Just a thought. Check yo self and yo mamma's bling kid"

5.) "Maybe if your post-baby booming generation of parents would stop GIVING you everything and make you see that in this world you have to EARN a dollar, you will fail and people will not always fall for the emotional pity card, you might end up surviving and possibly NOT leading our entire economy into the dumps with your Addarol addictions and lack of stamina in the work force. boo hoo. I am your first lesson....No."

See you out there!