Sunday, January 20, 2008

4 Things that baffle me weekly.

I was sitting around, lightly panting at Tom Brady' s arse bouncing around in silver tights. Let me be clear. People think I want to bake cookies for, snuggle up to, or have a meaningful conversation with him. I like to LOOK at him. I think quotes can be found saying I want his trap shut. He probably is a jerk. I don't like Giselle, and I have always been a fan of Bridget. She had my name in one of her movies...what? Anywho, hem-hahers...I have some baffling, trite lists to get to. Here goes.

1. Time lapse inconsistency: If ever a reason to believe in time-travel, consider how some days go so slowly, they feel as if pulled on a rickshaw by an obese, snail with a shell injury. I actually question if some group of MIT students have found a wormhole and are inserting extra minutes into the universe at random, and laughing while drinking their Superfood from Starbucks. "He he he....look, she just checked her watch three times since 3:02, add another one!"

2. Static Electricity: I know, I know, protons, electrons...opposites attract. I will wear more "anti-static" moisturizer, sure that is first on the list when I am running through the beauty aisle. Why does my cat shock me three times for every minute we spend together? And why does his hair not look static-y? Why does a dryer sheet take it away? Where does the static travel on bald men? Why can't static energy be converted to alternate fuel solutions?

3. Hollywood Baby boom: Am I just getting older, or are the editors of trash mags getting more interested in family time? I feel like everyone is having children. Were they NOT having children before? I have been reading People Magazine since I can remember, and I dont remember 4 pages being devoted to " new arrivals". Hollywood starlets sporting the big belly or the need-bag in hand: Nicole Richie, Kristina Aguillera, Toni Colette, Halle Berry, Nicole Kidman, JLo, Jessica Alba...the lists goes on. Are we too obsessed with weight that women aren't using birth-control? Is there going to be an entire generation of kids from the 2000's that were born as fads, and neglected to walk the earth in abandonment and fame blame? I don't get it...

4. Clothing size disparity: It's bad enough that I was in a changing room at Banana Republic trying to find some "cabana wear" for my upcoming trip when my toddler pokes a finger into the skin of my bum as if to test a bubble. She says: "Yucky bottom mama". Right then, I should have left. But how do THREE different size pants ALL NOT FIT? One size at one place is too big, at a different store, that same size won't button, at the next place the same "size" wont creep past my ankle. Unless the static and hormonal mood shifts of my body are able to morph into skin pads that move, someone is trying to play tricks on me! I think there should be sizes set by menstrual cycle, condfidence level and state. Seriously. I will take that pair: "MC: high-alert PMS, C: rock bottom, S:Illinois". The pants would be a forgiving size 8 that says its a size 4. Thank you. Made for women, by women. Thats my next endevour. Done and Done.

I need a happy, tinker sparkly Monday. No, I need to BE Tom Brady's hand wamer. Oh yeah.

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