OBAMA-ROLLED!!!

Okay, so someone, somewhere, had more time on their hands than I did this weekend...
Check this out. It is sure to get stuck in your head and make you laugh.

ENJOY!



What did people do for mind-numbing, useless humor before Youtube? Love it.

Denmark: If you're happy and you know it....get some Hygge.

Mother, I ask that you brace for this. DENMARK is noted as the "Happiest" country AGAIN. (or its the same study). How is that possible?

They love Limberger and gravad laks on smørrebrød!? Its dark more days a year than it is light, and the one's I have known aren't really your glowing, cheery-types.

My guess:They have lower expectations. I think there is something to NOT chasing the elusive label of ecstatically pleased with yourself and over driven ambition.

Maybe the key IS an understated sense of general acceptance and quiet content with what is? I'd love to see the questions on the "said" survey.

Let's see. Awesome gleeful things about Denmark:

1. Pride and interest. People actually are involved in their country ( 90% vote in elections)

2. All children can read and write. Compulsary educatin is free.

3. "Hygge" is a key part of the Danish way of life; it means focusing on forgetting daily problems and enjoying the simple things in life.

4. They celebrate the pea.

5. Beer. Morning, noon and night. Seriously. Go see. All day. No 12 o'clock rule there.

6. Sexual anything and social tolerance....Probably the most UNPRUDE (outside of sweden) country I have ever seen. (same-sex marriage was legal in 1989)

7. Hello LEGO? There is a sign. They invented some plastic geometric shapes that simply "click" together. How is that for easy pleasey fun?

8. Um...they make BEAUTIFUL people: Helena Chistensen,Connie Nielson...

9. They can speak with mere breath (inhalation = yes)

10. Over 50% Taxes. If you can't get rich, why try?

I couldn't pass up the chance to laugh a little at it. Danes.....happiest....Who'd a thunk it?

Maybe we should all just look around. Take a deep breathe. Mentally list out the vast beauty of things we have: our health, simplicity of choice, the will of perception, love, wits, opportunity and the chance to live out yet another day.

When I think of it that way....."Jeg er en heldig kartoffel!"

Princess yawns, smuggles lemons into bed.

This is not going to turn into a site about my child, but this first day of July started so sweetly...I would normally be annoyed that my 3-yr old woke up at 5:30am, but because she lit up the monitor with a gusty and relieved: "AAAAAAAhhhhhhh" with perfect princess tone and inflection, I was tickled.

I went to get her and she did it again, this time with arm-stretching, fake yawn movements. I threw the window shade open to let the sunlight beam through and sparkle off of her pink and green walls. "White Rabbits! White Rabbits! White Rabbits!" I said. (This is a superstition that I keep. They must be the first words from your mouth, on the first day of the month, to ensure great luck.)

"NO! Lemons!" she screams with a smile. "What? I said white rabbits." I say with a hand on my hip (conversations we have could fill a loony bin)

"Lemons! Lemons! Lemons!" she reiterates while pulling back her bed covers. And there they were. This little girl had 3 plastic decorative lemons in her bed. I have no idea how, I have no idea why, but in the land of toddlers and my child...it makes sense.

"Obviously, what was I thinking?" I say.

"You thought white rabbits silly mommy, its just me and lemons." she clarifies.

Other hilarious things my mini is saying:

"Bizzerk" = Dessert. ie: "Can I have some bizzerk?"

"Prackissing" = Practicing. ie: "You can't clap now! I'm just prackissing!"

"Barak Omama" = You get it. Anytime his name is on the news...she stops what she is doing and yells "BARAK OMAMA!" then tucks her chin, tilts her head and waits with a wry smile for someone to laugh.

And July begins.

Prank me Charlie Todd, and other random Thursday tidbits.

So, Here we are. One day away from Friday, 8 days away from July 4th weekend. Does that feel insane? Life moves too fast. I cannot wait to see Wanted with my she-lover Angelina Jolie coming out tomorrow. Illinois is jumping in on the Countrywide lawsuit. Anne Hathaway learned that the Devil wears "Fleece". N.Korea is claiming they DO have nuclear weaponry.Heather Locklear is in a mental hospital. (Did I just put those two together? Wow. I have stooped to the "ticker" on CNN low.)

photo credit: Chad Nicholson
..and I have a mini-crush on Charlie Todd, creator of Improve Everywhere, who was written up in this weeks NEW YORK Magzine feature: "Prank You Kindly". Read it. He has coordinated everything from light shows on the Manhattan Bridge to random choreographed jumping jacks at Union Square's DSW building, to pant-less subway rides and bubble showers at Times Square. One of my favorites was his idea to dress 80 people in blue golf shirts and khaki pants then send them into Best Buy to befuddle customers looking for help. Genius. THIS GUY is living out the youthful(and highly organized) prankster in all of us. Love it.

Make today silly and fun and creative. Tap into the inner kid in you and see what happens. You just might have some fun.

(shaking head) I had to put that perfect shot in there...KU-DOS to that girl. High-boots, white lacy boy shorts, and Booty. Uhhh...she wins.

I love Charlie Bartlett...Movie quotes and more.

Anton Yelchin is a teenage super hero. His acting borders genius, unless, he in fact is precisely like this character.

Move over Rushmore and Igby goes down....Meet Charlie Bartlett! This movie is absolute teenage redemption wih wry wit, genuine angst and misdiagnosis of the teenage human condition.

This movie soared into my heart and managed to identify with all the inner awkward any of us could possibly be in touch with. The bully, the precocious prep, the faking cool kid, the artsy theatre ingenue, the self-esteem lacking slut, and everything in between.

Somehow the delicate, yet candidly intimate navigation of single parenthood between Robert Downey Jr (the Principal) and his daughter and the charmingly frivolous, widowed millionairess filling her voids with wine, tennis and an unnatural (albeit extremely commonplace) boundary-bucking intimacy with her son, played true.

The writers hide nothing with the pill-popping abuse of prescription drugs. Ritalin, Prozac, Adderol, Zoloft, Klonopin, Xanax are just the "majors". Charlie Bartlett runs a pseudo-psychiatric clinic in the boys room, using the stall as a make-shift "confessional" type space.

This movie laughs at the haste to prescribe drugs instead of listen to the normalcy that these adolescents experience while coming of age in the most traumatizing circumstances possible....high school. It makes a poignant and alarming statement. I hope you get it. I did.

Quite perfectly, Curtis Mayfield's "Pusherman" plays during a scene where kids line up for the bathroom to be given their doses. Another sweetly pulled-off moment was when Marlyn, Charlie's mom chimes in a duet of (my favorite) Cat Steven's "If you want to sing out, sing out."

Even the b-story of falling in love on common grounds of childhood wounds and sad-stories is innocently mature and well acted.

Some great quotes:

"I am so excited for us to spend the weekend together...I was thinking we could go wine-tasting. We haven't done that since you were a kid." - Mother to Charlie

"I'm not saying I'm gay. But....what if I'm not attracted to girls at all?" - random boy in stall.

"Oh trust me Doc, bringing psychiatric drugs and teenagers together is like opening a lemonade stand in the dessert."-Charlie Bartlett

"It kinda sucks to have one parent ditch, and have the other one lose their mind...I mean, how can I have a chance to turn out even remotely normal?" -Susan

"There are more important things than being popular." - Principal -Robert Downey Jr.

"Like what?!" - Charlie Bartlett"
"Like what you do with it." - Principal-Robert Downey Jr.

Is it a little over-indulgent in the wise-crackery and seeming self-awareness in teens? Sure. BUT SEE IT. It will make you actually think for a moment...High School was cool.

Being uncool, is cool. Go pass a note. Go be honest and vulnerable. Just be.

When HOT poems get real.

If you know me, you know I am fantastical and day-dreamy. I love all things seductive and playful and I have always been a fan (and writer) of poetry. It is important, however to "keep it real". Here is my little love-punch at it all. Take it with a huge grinning smirk.


* I will never graze lips with a man whose yearning for me travels by way of electricity through to me in the negative space between our mouths...because he always smells like coffee or Chipotle.

* My heart will never flutter to the tip of my neck with the helium of reciprocated love-lust excitement in a mere suggestion.....instead you will just point to the bedroom and then your watch, and then back to the bedroom, lifting your eyebrows since the baby is sleeping.

* His eyes will never glow in the light of wondrous discovery, when cotton and skin separate into perfect revelations, instead they glow in the blue light of hotel porn on a business trip.

* These hands and fingers, they pulsate for the closeness of you...they extend in anticipation for the gift you give...wanting, undeniably to feel the pleasure with every change up and down, ...must i say the words: give me the remote, you scan channels horribly slow


Love and get lost in it....then get real.


PS: I love Billie Piper. (and YES, that is Angelina Jolie in the pic..Woa)

Monday Monday Good Things. Good Things.

It is a beautiful day here in Chicago. Blue skies, cool breeze. Surprisingly, I am a little excited that the weekend is over. I am convinced it was not only inserted with the longest (slowest moving) day of the year, but those damn MIT students were dumping entire hours into it. I swear, I will wrangle some proof of it soon.

George Carlin is dead at 71. Oil prices are still rising despite the SA vow to produce more. Corn is going to make a run today. Amy Winehouse has now replaced Britney Spears in the "big-hot-self-destructive-mess" business and allegedly has Emphysema? Teen pregnancy is the new cult of irrationality! WTF.

With the ironic momentum of the weekend being over and my self-sourced skin-buzzing energy, I am starting a "grateful roll"of good things to quietly nod in appreciation for. Try it. Make your own. Even if only three things show up on your list....Every time you savor a nugget of happiness, you beget happiness.

Good Things:
1. Laugh lines. It shows the world you have laughed. Let the "parenthesis" punctuate your smile!

2. Realizing that Gisele Bundchen is a specimen, NOT the expectation. (ha!)

3. That chest-opening, heart flutter lift that permeates love and anticipation from possible new beginnings of all kinds.

4. SUMMER IS HERE! Don't look down. Don't speed through. Slow. Take notice. and Embrace it.

5. The grainy crunch of real sugar in the sip of fresh homemade Lemonade.

6. Letting go of ANYTHING that doesn't serve your inner purpose and intent!

7. The smell of honeysuckle buds riding a breeze to your nose.

BONUS! (3 things to do to make other people smile or laugh)

8. Pick someone to say these words to ALL DAY... No matter what. "It's not your fault. You are incredible." NO matter what they say. Keep a straight face. Don't laugh, under any circumstance. Hold their gaze. Try it. I did. (ie. a friend: "Lulu, I love your hair, did you do something different?" My response: "Its not your fault...You are incredible.")

9. At the gym, or the park or anywhere you see someone working out (running, doing tai-chi alone by a tree) GO CHEER THEM ON like a 1980's Texan cheerleader! Get crazy, get creative... say whatever you want. "T-A-I! Tai-Chi! Go you! Go Me!" Cup your hands for optimal clapping sounds. Then throw a closed fist to one hip and a fist pump to the air. Walk away swiftly after completion. It would be doubly funny to throw #7 in after the cheer depending on how they react.

10. Kiss a friend on the cheek or forehead today. Do it at the most unsuspecting time. If questioned just say: "You asked for it...remember?"

Be infectiously full of good things today. Be bold in your gifts of love and light moods. Just like a projected bad mood can soak into your skin, the brightness of positivity pushed out to everyone around you will serve as a reflective mirror of smiles. A silly genius woman once said: "The world owes us nothing..we owe each other the world."

(MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMAAAHhhhhh) KISS BLOW!

Catch it.

Bret Ernst:Roller Rink days of the '80's.

Who doesn't love the skinny chub of Chicagoan Vince Vaughan? I rented his latest DVD release: Vince Vaughn's Wild West Comedy Show. I was expecting to laugh out loud constantly, and I laughed, but it was much more documentary than comedy. The poignant stories of the four comedians traveling together for 30 days to 30 cites from Hollywood to Chicago. These men all have something to offer up to the masses to induce laughter and snorts, but this movie showed their softer, more human side.

I was most entertained by Bret Ernst. Ahmed Ahmed was pretty funny. I loved Sebastian Maniscalco for his borderline OCD stories. John O'Brien pissed me off at first, but then you unravel his white-trashy snark, and see that he is a feeling, and self-aware man just trying to get the world to see him as he does-Honestly. Back to Bret. He did a shtick on Roller skating, and I almost peed myself.

He described what it was like to be poor at the roller rink. He explained that the "rich kids" would walk in with their own skates. Speed Skates ( I had white ones with pink wheels). He explained how humiliating it was to stand on line for the "shitty-brown rental skates" that sometimes didn't have shoe strings, and were frayed and gave no ankle support. I WAS DYING.

In the below, he animates how it was to be a boy that couldn't skate, and what it was like to have THAT guy who basically lived there ( and was 30) cross-skate and get all the girls. Take a look:



I COMPLETELY RELATE TO THIS. For the record Bret: If you would have been at the Dairy-Ashford roller rink in Houston between 87-90, I would have come over to the video games to coax you out to the floor. I was no snob, but I did like looking good. I was the girl who went to "Lock-ins" and rotated her speed skate wheels. I couple skated to "Open Arms" by Journey with the boys that stunk of Drakkar and Obession and sweaty moldy shirts.

I would speed skate and race to songs like M/A/R/R/S's "Pump up the Volume" and "Personal Jesus" by Depeche Mode. Who didn't?! My friends and I would flop our over-curled bang-explosions during "Doubles" races where one of us would squat down, and the other would push. If you were REALLY good, you would push her with one hand, and cross-skate next to her. The best was dance-skating to Soul II Soul's "Back to Life" and AHa's "Take on Me". I was a total show-off. (Are you surprised?)

I learned a lot in those days...how to french kiss, how to be killer at skeet ball, you know..paramount adolescent lessons. I can still smell the cheese pizza, rubber floors and popcorn.

I can still hear Europa...."Da na na -da-na naan-aaa-naaaa....THE FINAL COUNT-DOWN....Da na na da-na-naan-na-naaa..."

Top 3 Update. Lulu's summer solstice lovers.

It has been a wacky 48 hours. Not sure why. I blame the moon. There is no way that we (people made of water and energy) are NOT affected by the solstice. I spent the longest day of the year- hungover. Nice.

The weekend is here. Summer is officially in full bloom and my minxy-tides of female prowess are fruiting with hot summer nights and flirty sundresses. So..... its time for me to state my latest TOP 3 "Get 'em Bed 'em". If you forgot the premise, here is the REFRESHER. What was I thinking with Bill Murray? Lost in Translation skewed everything.

1. HANK MOODY (aka David Duchovny)- "I just get so lonely sometimes. I need a hug for a moment and the moment passes. I'm good. Smell you later."

I can't articulate how insatiable my lust for Californication's sweetest dirt bag is. The reason this works- THIS MAN doesn't exist. So perfectly written to cause pantie-tsunamis with his reckless tongue (physically and prophetically). Still love that he mocked a married woman's husband for thinking the buzz button was on the bottom...near the "Vagnus". On top of it (tee hee) he is tragically romantic and funny. Good thing its a character...

2. ERIC BANA - I watched "The Other Boyleyn Girl". He played King Henry VIII lusting after women. Power. Power. Brown scruff....He was so gentle with Booby Johnasson's character. Loved him in Troy. I had a strange inclination to lick his arms when I watched that (what?). Hot. Steamy naughty powerful lost man....let me hold you to my bosom, or my thigh and make it all better... Come hither darling.

3. GEORGE CLOONEY- Seriously needs no explanation. Salt and Pepper hair, soft brown eyes. Scratchy voice, and a HUGE sense of humor. Single again. If in the same room with this man I would either freeze in absolute lust-coma deeming me in-operational, or I would morph and slither into my best projection of sexuality personified. I bet it would be the former, but here's hoping!

Get out there and dream a bit....the moon says you can. Oh, get over it. The only person I have to answer to -made the deal. It takes a strong man to put up with this fire. Ha Cha Cha.

Melting and movies on a swampy Saturday.

So it is 90 degrees in Chicago. Warm enough to make you get "neked" and start seeing things. If I had the right company, I'd probably test the inclination, but for now, I will keep from shocking the neighbors. There is little we have done today to avoid melting and hair product failures....

We did watch some movies. Or rather, parts of movies, which made me think a few things.

1.) I want to start naming movies with really terrible, disgusting innuendos. We just saw a legitimate trailer for Midnight Meat Train (yuck). I just picture a huge meaty you-know-what flying through tunnels with a horn that inflates and deflates the girth of it. Sorry. No more windows into my brain today. I am tired, and hot.

2.) Steal Magnolias was on TNT. I forgot how much I love that movie. I want to adopt Dolly Parton's character as my long-lost auntie. She is so motherly, but coyishly womanly that I could relate. Not to mention she has great one-liners: "I never trust a woman who does her own hair. It's just not normal" ( love that)

3.) I want to be Angelina Jolie in Wanted. Not kidding. Anyone who has known me over the past decade is well aware that I have loved her since her early years, through her crazy-blood-vile stage and even more now that she has landed her soul mate, helped the world, and growing a brood. Um...and she is the sexiest woman alive in my eyes. I assume she is smart, if she is NOT...I don't want to know. Lean, mean and laying on a Viper. I aspire to put that fear and dizziness of the unexpected in a man.

4.) Pretty Woman was on and I still remember every single line of that movie. I just have to say, that is the downfall of women's hopes right there. We all believe some Richard Gere(ish) type guy will swoop in, temporarily be impressed by us, shower us with gifts and unexpected love and then accept us for who we really are...No wonder we all seem so mildy unsatisfied!? No really. I would rather have a good degree, a compelling story and a good safe home, but my goodness is it a sexy idea. I still want to be de-robed on a piano. Here's hoping!

So...the lesson here is:

Porn producers and horror film creators share titles, female relationships and small-town southerners can always charm a smile on your face. If you are crazy now, and wearing either your boyfriends foreskin or blood-vile around your neck, there is still hope for you yet, and men like "Edward Lewis" don't exist, but hooking does. Stay real, get an education and book your own penthouse...

The Shower-Pooper-Smoosher in a wine bar.

Yesterday was a long day. I woke up at 6:00am -its hard to break the habit. After getting back at 4:00am from an impromptu night at Marquee. I was missing my usual morning glow. I had flown in Thursday, met my sister and some clients for drinks with carry-on bag in tow and made it back to her place by midnight. In typical NYC fashion, my blackberry starting buzzing on cue, right after I had washed my face and prepared for bed (which was in my typical Chicago-life fashion). So I rallied, how could I not?

It is always a struggle for me to balance all the people I want(and need) to see when I am here. This city is home to so many of my boarding school, college, and "past-life" friends. I don't sleep well as it is, but when I am immersed in the sound scape and vitality of New York, I am truly happy. Old connections, new experiences.

We had the SATC event, and a hectic day followed. Later on that night, I reveled in an eye-lock from Chris Noth (Mr. Big) as he rode passenger side in a black RX 400. It might not be much, but I will take it! We cozied up in a very indiscreet outside table at Bruce Willis' new wine bar: Bowery Wine Company . The wine list was good, the weather was lightly blowing warm wind, and the music was amazing. Van Morrison, Bob Seger, Pearl Jam...I was pleased. Even feeling the sexiness of NYC taking over a little. Until my sister and I start talking about "Deal breakers".

She told me about an article she read from 2005 where a reader from
TIME OUT NY had written in about her perfect boyfriend, and how everyone loved him, but he had a secret...he liked to poop in the shower, mush it with his feet, feel it between his toes, and push it to the drain. We erupted into a fit of laughter...I'm sure the ample amount of Sancerre helped.

Now THAT is off the spectrum of "weird" but it got me thinking...I actually pondered it. Gross? Absolutely,but everyone is strange. I immediately start making conditions. I asked her: "If you could GUARANTEE that you would remain in love with him, the heart-lifting type of love forever and be happy for eternity- You wouldn't just build him his own bathroom/shower? Eternity with the love of your life?!" She wouldn't. Maybe I wouldn't either. It's straight nasty, but it gave me two things:
1. A great idea for a later-day post and 2. A great, long lasting laugh.

Here's to random quite wine bars where even the most unexpected of debates and deliberations ensue. May the love of your life NOT be a shower-pooper-smoosher.

I made this.....Just saying.

There is a lot going on this week. McClellan and Bush are full trough into a pissing contest. NY is considering gay marriage as early as next month. Crude prices are falling. The market had a good run for a day(or two). United and US airways will dance a little today. The new iPHONE is coming. SATC is OUT tomorrow. Ashley Simpson is pregnant. Sydney Pollack died.


And I care, about all of it really. More than any of you actually know. I am a vat of useless news from Brazilian IPO's to who was running around Chateau Martmont without undies..its perplexing really. Yet, here in my own little world, I am amused and bewildered by "my mini." I have done many cool things in my life. None even come close in comparison. This little monster says the funniest things. This week, my favorites are:



"Musegick" instead of Music. - At any given time in my house someone will break into a reiterated version of the Rihanna song. We sing: "Please don't stop the MUSE-GICK, Please don't stop the MUSE-GICK....MUSE-GICK....MUSE-GICK"


"Bisney" instead of Disney.

"Mama? You kiss too big. Yuck."

All in the same breath (this is a great example of apple falling/tree analogy):
"I DO IT! Help me mama. Don't touch me! Plllllease? You do it k? NO. I'm a big girl! It's too hard, I can't dooooo it. Watch me. I did it! Now what?"


"Sweeeeet... that's awe-some!" I got this one from merely skipping back from the park with her on my back.


I know I'm arguably a little sideways, and maybe even over-sexed at times. One thing that is never up for question, is my love for this little person who changes the way I see our twisted, scary world. I may have made mistakes, maybe I over-analyze, over-share, over compensate, but I am overwhelmed with love and pride in her.


Say what you will, but I have one well-adjusted, funny and happy child. I don't know what that says (I really, actually, do) but it says something.

Some things are better left in your head: When saying "I like you" goes wrong.

A few days ago a good male friend of mine and I had a conversation about our past lives as single people. I told him how I once dated a man who always "took it too far" in email. The example I used was how I once got an email that said: "Your arse is so perfect I want to wear it on my head all day like a hat." Really? THAT is sexy? Nope. It's not. It's scary.

I was at a photo shoot involving a bathtub in which I had to soak for 3 hours while looking relaxed, but happy. Calm, but giggly and ecstatic at the aroma of a big-brand candle. Judge away, but it is far more difficult to laugh hysterically at bubbles and rose petals than one might think. Try it, right now....Go. "Ha ha hahaha...look at those silly bubbles, being bubbles, and popping and sitting there on water...HA hahahaha"

I climbed out of the overly intimate ambient-room ( full of 13 people-3 lighting guys, 2 makeup artists, a set-stylist, the photographer, her two assistants, and 4 PA's) looking like a pruned raisin. I reached for my blackberry and found this:

"I want to staple my ears to the insides of your thighs."

" I want to eat you like a cheese stuffed-crust pizza from Pizza Hut - from the outside - in. "

"I want to turn you on like a TV remote, and then dig around in your cushions and find the other remote and turn you up and down."

"I just want to save all your kisses in a jar, and then trade them in at the Coin Star machine, so I can ultimately get some redemption from them. I want to sell you in an auction on eBay, so everyone can see how much you're worth to me."

" I want to make you feel like I was dropping you off at the Goodwill. A little used, sticky spotted, but totally worth the contribution when I think about you a year from now."

He signed it with my exes name. It was brilliant.

I laughed so violently and without hesitation that the photographer said flatly: "Um...that is what we needed 2 hours ago."

Sweet sweetness and bubbly freaky emails that make you laugh two hours too late. Oh well.

Good gifts go a long way: I want my Rani drink back!

I don't even pretend to be easy. (Not in any way). I don't take compliments well. I am the pickiest eater I know, next-only to my child. I am usually disappointed with most people, in most facets of this hairy scary life. (not shocked...or surprised, but disappointed.)

This weekend came in a fury, with it a last-minute "drop-by" from a dotted-line friend on her way home for a wedding. She lives in India now with her husband, but is from the Midwest. In passing, months ago, I had mentioned to her that I miss the incredibly unhealthy selection of soda drinks in third-world countries. ( I don't drink soda now, or coffee for that matter) I had loosely referenced a childhood drink called: "RANI" that I loved.

It is basically a mandarin flavored sugar water base with tons of real (or synthetically) sweetened pieces of pulp. It is the sweet nectar juice of a long time ago... YUMMY! Its THAT drink. The childhood thing that makes you shrill with excitement and triple-clap.

"J" showed up at our house, tired and reveling in the springtime freshness of the air, compared to the billowing smoke and soot of New Delhi,India. She brought a cotton pant-suit from the markets for my daughter, and then she handed me a plastic wrapped bag...I felt the sensation of pure glee and shocking gratefulness pulsate my spine. I knew what it was by the shape of the cans. The only thing that has changed is that the lids are actually metal, not the pin-push adhesive sticker types from the seventies.

We sat and chatted about life, and politics and laughed at bathrooms in third-world countries, women's lack of social adherence to potty-etiquette, the smells, the awkward comfort of having drivers, cleaners, forehead-wipers..you know..Its sad. It's disparity, but in that moment, it was funny.

So, in karmic beauty and happy returns, I send my Bollywood glee-dance out to all of you. For the hard day back at work, for the long weekend coming to a close, to the lonely and the sated, to the married and the sedated (what? Why do I always random-rhyme?!)

Let Rani be the pulpy reason you give thanks and send cosmic waves of little gifts to the people you like, or even merely remember. Thoughtfulness is a dying trait....J, I am so grateful, I cannot even open them. THANK YOU.

Keep it alive!!!

(cue the random, choreographed dancers in beautiful saris "changing light bulbs" and shoulder-shrugging to the BA-DONK-A-DINKY-DINKY-DONK- BA-DONK-A-DINKY-DINKY-DONK)

(fade away into a swaying, and BA-DONK-A DOINK sunset)

So You Think You Can Dance- LA. 5.22.08

Ahhh...The world felt right for about two hours last night. Just hearing the opening music; my body starts to jitter like ephedrine-infused coffee beans. A couple things I have to state:

I love Mia. She is so kind and benevolent, and funny at the same time. She actually tries NOT to exploit people, but she also can't help laughing either. Can I just say, I want to wear a black off-the-shoulder Flashdance mini dress with leg warmers over my heels! How can I rationalize pulling that off somewhere?

Sidenote 1: Can you picture Nigel dancing? Choreographing? I tried. I can't. And...I'm not attracted to him this season. Oh well. ( good thing I guess, that was a bit scary)

"Sex" came back with his mother. His pelvic thrusts literally dry up any estrogen flowing through my body. Watching him is unnatural for me. I feel my female organs cringe and gag. His words: "I have trained with many, many, many, many master-choreographers." -Right.

"Twitch" was amazing. I want to pinch his cheeks and call him George.

(side note 2: ) When I get uncomfortable with the awkward moments of the show, like when the 46-yr old -Russian divorcee was crawling on the stage and such, I make my hands into binoculars to shield my eyes a little. It's bizarre and involuntary.

'Philip Cheebeb" aka the guy who looks like a cartoon moving in a flip-book drawing. I don't think he has any bones. It is unreal. My question is: How do you discover that talent? Was he limboing and doing the lambada at the same time...interesting.

"Erica Gee" was so good. She moves like Allison, but has her own thing going. Smile-inducing and gazelle-like. Love her.

"Victor Kim" came on stage and I couldn't stop yelling "WHAT?" in my living room. Not joking. I was yelling. Call me uncouth or immature, but my brain had no words except: "WHAT?". Forearm jumps? Full body elbow-balance, Inverted lateral back bend hand-stand push up? WHAT!?

All I can say is my cheeks are still sore from smiling. And...my creeping crush on Cat Deely is not going away. I want to sit on the stairs next to her and smell her hair. (tee-hee)

HAPPY HUMP DAY! Moms talk about sex!!!

It is hump day.... A lovely one at that. Spring is vibrating through the ground, pushing up stamen and spreading seed. The air is full of love and new beginnings and bees fluttering around....It's hard not to get a little warmth and feel a little sexier...right or wrong? You decide.

I told you that my skin in buzzing just thinking about the Shape Magazine Premiere of "SEX AND the CITY" in NYC that I am going to on May 30th, but for today I will read about SEX AND PARENTHOOD.

It is Topic day on the mom-blogosphere that has been getting so much press lately. Women (and men) are "pulling the blindfold" off of sex and parenthood. Don't be quick to judge, these women are honest, powerful, funny and not-to-be-underestimated. I love them. They support me, laugh with me... sometimes call me "hateful", but it is incredible to have so many layers of womanhood, motherhood, fatherhood, and life spinning around, dealing with real life and evolving before our eyes.

CHECK IT OUT. GET SEXY:

Bloggers from Chicago Moms, NYC Moms , Silicon Valley Moms, DC Metro Moms, NJ Moms blog, 50-something moms and Deep South moms !

I blog about sex on a weekly basis. I will take the sexy hump day off. I will grab some KY, cellophane, green-pickle pear penis poppers, and a megaphone to cheer them on from the sidelines!

Hip Hip for horny (or not horny) moms/and dads talking about SEX!

5.19.08-ABC's DeAnna (The Bachelorette) gets Punk'D - What the....

Oooooooooo-kay. I need to preface this by saying that I apologize to all the men on the show, I am sure you are sweet, and articulate and smart, and giving and full of ...words words words.. but it must be said:

WHAT THE FECK was the casting manager smoking? If I were DeAnna, I would be livid. I am just curious about a few things:


1. Is this all just a matter of slim-pickings? Have men finally realized that it is NOT a "win" situation to leave work for 3 weeks, go on TV, be edited and scrutinized by the masses ( like me.)
2. Could we have a worse representation of Chicago? (no.)

3. Ashton Kutcher! Is he, or is he NOT going to fly down on a cable-chord to tell her that she is being punk'D?

The men either have offensive south-side accents, mullets, strange suits that Jesse bought at Spencers, a cartoon-jaw, awkward bum-out hugs, a relentless need to show their abs, cock-eyes, ill-fitted suits, or someone who says: "Greg will run through the fire....Greg will grab that rose" -in third person...no less.

I am literally uncomfortable. Not because the men "aren't good enough" but because they are actually trying THIS HARD to be obnoxious, I feel the need, almost the obligation, to question the validity of it. See exhibit A below:

If this is an accurate depiction of what is out there, I have nothing but absolute respect, love and admiration for the single women of America. Keep on....truckin' on. I'm sorry?

Note 1: I will not be blogging about this show. Feel free to collectively sigh with relief. I cannot stomach it. I am no good at handling contrived moments in general, but what I am just plain incapable of doing; is rewarding this kind of show with viewership.

HESUS.

Note 2: I only watched because my sister called me in a fit of gasp-snorting-laughter and my interest was piqued.

Things we should re-engineer into reusable energy resources:

1. TMZ footage.

2. Corn dogs or SPAM

3. Celebutante panties

4. Crocs. ( Imagine my hands signing for "All-donnne")

5. Butt-beads. People don't really use them right? It's funny to say, but they don't have a utility. Who is going to complain or draft that petition? "Say no to earth, bring back butt-beads!"

6. Annoying phrases like: "If I were a betting man." or "Cool beans!" or "Not to be rude, but..." or "This isn't my nature, but"

7. Sucker sticks. ( I am not referring to my exe, I mean lollipops)

8. Lame Facebook applications

9. R. Kelly's legal filing papers for trial postponements (and paperclips)

10. Lindsey Lohan's emotional "bottom".

11. Scones (I never see anyone eat them. They weigh more than a toddler)

12. All money spent to create and produce: "Rock of Love" and "Flavor of Love"

Let's get creative people.There is still time...Happy Monday.

"This ain't sex!" Usher and Steve Carell on SNL.

So, I did not watch SNL until today, but it delivered. The Season Final packed a double punch May 17th, with Steve Carell and Usher. Not only does Usher move like a mechanical Michael Jackson, but he can pull off white leather. Honestly, I was entertained, but once the bass started and the subtle moan from the jazzy electric guitar riff kicked in....I was turned on. Oh yes, it is that easy. That man can dance.

Steve Carell started out with the graduation ceremony for terrible named students. A few of my favorites:
"Rob Guzzina"
"Wilma Fingerdoo"
"Eaton Thomas Bush"
"Haywood Paul Jablowme"
"Uwana Nailher"
(the best was the same guy and girl receiving the diplomas, trying to seem grateful and surprised each time.)

Who ever thought up the split screen Obama/Clinton ad are hereby the most clever and satirical writers on earth, so far, that I have seen, today.



I also loved the "A-holes singing karaoke". Do people like that really exist? I don't believe it. I would probably crain-kick and chicken dance on actual humans that behave like that. I'm on watch now. Kristen Wigg rocks. Bring back the "one-upper".

John McCain also showed up for two skits. He addressed the audience and was also quite funny mocking his own age, gaydar and then on the NEWS panel said: "That's right, fight amongst yourselves."

Much needed giggles.

Stay funny SNL. See you next season, with love,

Lucy Bunghole, Pan T. Tsunami, and Bubba Lee Cooter.

Nifty beauty business ideas for the self-loathing.

I read People's "100 most beautiful people" issue last weekend. They are....beautiful. But what is the obsession? This is getting scary. How does Jennifer Anniston look younger at 39 than she did at 25? Don't get me wrong, I love her. I just want the secret. Why is every man a shade of orange and without a moving forehead?

I guess I can't stop it, and I'm lying if I say I don't feel pressure and absolute fear of aging, but ONLY because very few spotlighted women are being examples of accepting who you are, wrinkles, imperfections and all. Bottom line, as there is no one in particular (or too many) to blame, I can only affect how I take it all, and hopefully how my daughter interprets it.

I'd really rather invest a boatload of money into building self-esteems for young girls and teaching confidence and self-assurance to realize that the glossy magazines are NOT accurate portrayal of expectations of aging. But since it feels futile, and books are being published to help children deal with why/how "My Mommy is Beautiful" , I will capitalize on it too.(I jest) ((It's sad that I have to clarify,but there it is.)) Some business ideas I am kicking around:

"Reborn" Placenta face bags. Possible tag line: "Deep dive into mother's freshest fluids to get that dewy-baby face you've always wanted."
- Retails for $20,000. (for $500.00 extra we will give you our biodegradable vile of colostrum in liquid form to add to your Pellegrino.)
Cost to me: Free from sidebar medical waste pickup service to midwives.
~~~~~~~

Starve-to-feed diet. TM. With all the women not eating, yet dining out, there is a surplus of food being left table side. In the innovative "Starve-to-feed" diet you can actually give your food to the millions of hungry, starving Americans.

You pay, you lose, and the hungry are sustained by your Venison seared with beef stake tomatoes and duck vagina glaze.

-Membership cost monthly is $200.00. Check participating restaurants at our website:spendyourmoneyusefullyoliveoil.com
~~~~~~~~~~

Organectomy. It is important that your body works. It is more important that your body LOOKS like it really works. We are here to help. Our fine surgeons will minimize general operation of all systems inside your body to allow for that youthful, un-aging look.
-The standard Organectomy prices vary. The procedure begins with full-body botulism shots to freeze all neurons and moving cells, your tummy is then stapled, a feeding tube is inserted, all thyroid and glandular functions are diminished to tell those pesky aging molecules to disappear.

The end result is ...You as a perfectly crafted and beautiful, human vegetable.

Get out there America and keep the biggest premium of value on looking beautiful!