Thursday, May 29, 2008

Some things are better left in your head: When saying "I like you" goes wrong.

A few days ago a good male friend of mine and I had a conversation about our past lives as single people. I told him how I once dated a man who always "took it too far" in email. The example I used was how I once got an email that said: "Your arse is so perfect I want to wear it on my head all day like a hat." Really? THAT is sexy? Nope. It's not. It's scary.


I was at a photo shoot involving a bathtub in which I had to soak for 3 hours while looking relaxed, but happy. Calm, but giggly and ecstatic at the aroma of a big-brand candle. Judge away, but it is far more difficult to laugh hysterically at bubbles and rose petals than one might think. Try it, right now....Go. "Ha ha hahaha...look at those silly bubbles, being bubbles, and popping and sitting there on water...HA hahahaha"

I climbed out of the overly intimate ambient-room ( full of 13 people-3 lighting guys, 2 makeup artists, a set-stylist, the photographer, her two assistants, and 4 PA's) looking like a pruned raisin. I reached for my blackberry and found this:

"I want to staple my ears to the insides of your thighs."

" I want to eat you like a cheese stuffed-crust pizza from Pizza Hut - from the outside - in. "

"I want to turn you on like a TV remote, and then dig around in your cushions and find the other remote and turn you up and down."

"I just want to save all your kisses in a jar, and then trade them in at the Coin Star machine, so I can ultimately get some redemption from them. I want to sell you in an auction on eBay, so everyone can see how much you're worth to me."

" I want to make you feel like I was dropping you off at the Goodwill. A little used, sticky spotted, but totally worth the contribution when I think about you a year from now."

He signed it with my exes name. It was brilliant.

I laughed so violently and without hesitation that the photographer said flatly: "Um...that is what we needed 2 hours ago."

Sweet sweetness and bubbly freaky emails that make you laugh two hours too late. Oh well.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

That's awesome. What an incredibly talented friend.

dadshouse said...

Those love notes are too funny! I love the stapling of ears...