Friday, May 16, 2008

Nifty beauty business ideas for the self-loathing.

I read People's "100 most beautiful people" issue last weekend. They are....beautiful. But what is the obsession? This is getting scary. How does Jennifer Anniston look younger at 39 than she did at 25? Don't get me wrong, I love her. I just want the secret. Why is every man a shade of orange and without a moving forehead?

I guess I can't stop it, and I'm lying if I say I don't feel pressure and absolute fear of aging, but ONLY because very few spotlighted women are being examples of accepting who you are, wrinkles, imperfections and all. Bottom line, as there is no one in particular (or too many) to blame, I can only affect how I take it all, and hopefully how my daughter interprets it.

I'd really rather invest a boatload of money into building self-esteems for young girls and teaching confidence and self-assurance to realize that the glossy magazines are NOT accurate portrayal of expectations of aging. But since it feels futile, and books are being published to help children deal with why/how "My Mommy is Beautiful" , I will capitalize on it too.(I jest) ((It's sad that I have to clarify,but there it is.)) Some business ideas I am kicking around:

"Reborn" Placenta face bags. Possible tag line: "Deep dive into mother's freshest fluids to get that dewy-baby face you've always wanted."
- Retails for $20,000. (for $500.00 extra we will give you our biodegradable vile of colostrum in liquid form to add to your Pellegrino.)
Cost to me: Free from sidebar medical waste pickup service to midwives.

Starve-to-feed diet. TM. With all the women not eating, yet dining out, there is a surplus of food being left table side. In the innovative "Starve-to-feed" diet you can actually give your food to the millions of hungry, starving Americans.

You pay, you lose, and the hungry are sustained by your Venison seared with beef stake tomatoes and duck vagina glaze.

-Membership cost monthly is $200.00. Check participating restaurants at our

Organectomy. It is important that your body works. It is more important that your body LOOKS like it really works. We are here to help. Our fine surgeons will minimize general operation of all systems inside your body to allow for that youthful, un-aging look.
-The standard Organectomy prices vary. The procedure begins with full-body botulism shots to freeze all neurons and moving cells, your tummy is then stapled, a feeding tube is inserted, all thyroid and glandular functions are diminished to tell those pesky aging molecules to disappear.

The end result is ...You as a perfectly crafted and beautiful, human vegetable.

Get out there America and keep the biggest premium of value on looking beautiful!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

So, so true. Sad isn't it?
that we as women do it to ourselves. Maybe its time to retire Joan Rivers, the Red Carpet, E, VH1, Access Hollywood, and all the trash mags and pull our collective heads out of the sand and look around at the countless more important things happening in the world today. My late grandmother who experienced the Depression as a child and WWII is probably turning over in her grave. We stomp our feet and complain about not being taken seriously, well maybe we don't deserve to be?