Saturday, March 22, 2008

Live each if it were the LAST THREE MINUTES of an NCAA Tourney Game!

Let's sing: "Spring is in the air...the birds are chirping (record scratch) Snow is everywheeerrre." I would complain, but I really don't mind. We built a self-ironic snow bunny with attitude in the yard,the sun is shining, and NCAA basketball is in full force.

I have decided (while watching the WVU vs DUKE game)that I am going to proceed through the rest of my days until April 7th as if I were a collegiate basketball player.

-Anytime I make a statement, ask a question or prove a point, I am going to follow it up with a five-clap pattern. "Eat your prunes kiddo. Clap-Clap-CLAP!CLAP!CLAP!"

-Next time I am at the grocery store and an old lady cuts in line to put her Metamucil on the conveyor belt, I'm going to shuffle step into a HUGE lunge-leap forward over her blue hair and swat the SHITE out of it, and then bounce three times while yelling "NOT IN MY LANE!!!"

-I am going to wear a whistle and blow it at anyone not following rules that are prudent to my convenience. An example would be when I am in the passenger seat of a car and the driver is trying to make a left turn against on coming traffic, but doesn't go when there is a clean break. I will proceed blowing the whistle until he/she goes.

-If anyone says anything I don't like, or accosts my olfactory sensory (drug-store perfume, axe man's spay or pepperoni... for example) I will throw a hand behind my head and the other arm pointing to them to signal an "OFFENSIVE FOUL" while blowing my whistle.

-Instead of handing any cashiers money during typical transactions. I will head-fake left, step back 21 feet and drop a 3-point-like shot of money at her/him...just rain down coins and bills with a fade away wrist.

-I am going to wear a red LED clock that will institute a 30 second time limit to make your point or story to me, if you exceed it, you get BUZZED. Talk fast. I do.

-Next time anyone comes in for unsolicited snuggles, touching or affection, I am going to drop a shoulder, throw an elbow out and pull a shimmy-round move so I can dribble my intimacy issues off to some alone time.

Get into the game!!! Let's go Wisconsin. Clap.Clap.Clap-clap-clap!

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