Friday, March 28, 2008

Signs "Spring" should have been delayed a few weeks in order to manage our expectations:

I have no plausible reason why, but I am really not freaking out about the lack of Spring in Chicago. Maybe I have given up hope for warm days, and figure I will enjoy it when they come, but dreading snow and cold doesn't get me closer.(That's surprisingly rational for me..) Maybe its because I am having monkey sex every day (ha, I'm not, who? with whom? help.See how lies get so convoluted?) Maybe simply knowing this is the 7th inning stretch of winter leading us to "THE YEAR OF THE CUBBIES". (shameful baseball reference)...sorry. Wow. Three sets of parenthesis, and we just got started.

1.It's so cold and snowy on baseball's opening day, that the topless hairy bleacher guys have been replaced by...topless hairy bleacher guys.

2. I have to be very careful to put plastic bags over my feet post-pedicure so they don't get smudged by the fur in my UGG snow boots.

3.The Cherry Blossom festival sounds more like a sale at "Bath and Body Works" than an actual road-trip worth taking to Washington DC.

4.No one is falling in love randomly on the streets simply because people are back on the streets. God, I miss those days. You smile at everyone merely for being physically present on the streets of Armitage or Michigan Ave.

5.Only the nasty-smelling smokers with long nails have their windows open . And even still, its only cracked enough to give absolutely no identifiable escape of smoke for them, but allows just enough to sneak in through my heater vents while parked behind them at the lights..bastards.

6. The false security of last weeks warmth commited a genocide on lady bugs statewide. Nature is cruel. Beware. (also note: Groundhogs everywhere are being tortured and shot upon sighting)

7. The most common question I hear lately is: "Why do I live here again?" Followed swiftly by lightly-veld empty pleasantries, plans to take a mini-vacation, or compliments on each other's winter coats. We don't dare ask how you are....we know.

8. The mere presence of sunshine ( even if only 30 degrees) elicits the high schoolers ( and age-inappropriately dressed suburban moms) to plunge into the frigid streets in mini-skirts or flip-flops.

9. WGN's Tom Skilling reported that this years Chicago 07-08 snowfall, has officially made it into the Top 7 seasons to reach over 60" of snow. Even though it's entirely not his fault, Tom Skillet has federal protection from locals.

10. The deeply fulfilling, tummy-warming, environmentally-charged sexual yearning to co-mingle and flirt (aka "sprhorny feeling") has yet to implode within us and sprinkle the city/world with pheromones. Instead, we are still eating high-fat, high fructose foods and drinking dark beer and wine.

C'mon people. Let's will spring to come. I need some SPRHORNY in my life...Don't you?

1 comment:

Marcus said...

Isn't "SPRHORNY" one of the 31 flavors? Or maybe it's one of those plastic bag holder from IKEA.

I keep forgetting.