Magic 8-ball of my dreams

The perfect Magic 8-ball would have only these options on a 8-sided triangular thingy in dyed-blue water:

o "Are your pants too big? They look loose."
o "Of Course he thinks of you every day, who wouldnt?"
o "Just this once, can you stop thinking of yourself?"
o "You will land on your feet. Trust me."
o "You have that answer in your heart. Listen."
o "It's probably for the best."
o "Look at _______, You are WAY better."
o "Who cares about that, have you lost weight?"


(squinted eyes...SHAKE, SHAKE, SHAKE)