Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Stages of Regret (emotional misdemeanor)

Examples: Drunk-dialing/texting/emailing. Saying something like: "What? You are a terrible boss." (to your boss). Confessing love to a current unrequited crush or past love.

The steps -I'm guessing here-I don't make mistakes remember?

The Drop - Embedded in random useless information, numerically.
1.) I ate eggs for breakfast. I never eat eggs.
2.) Did you hear the new Cat Power song?
3.) I wrote a (soul-baring) email to a past love from like 10 years ago.
4.) Oh, what time are we having lunch?

The Disclaimer - Whatever. No one notices what I do. "Quick, what did I wear yesterday?" See, no one is watching. It's nothing really. People are so busy with the mundane, hell, I'm mundane.

The Bucket - "Well, he was a total jerk. I mean, like textbook narcissist. He might notice, only because it was, well, addressed to him, about him, from me. But it was sweet and fuzzy and cutely self-depreciating. If there were a "good bucket" and a "bad bucket" it's in the good. Well, maybe half and half. Depends on his mood. If he was taking a shite, and just fought with his girlfriend and hates all women....More bad. If he is lonely. Its good. Hm. Its bad.

The Ledge - "He will think I am the dumbest, most inarticulate human alive. And for what? I didn't even like him, I like the guy he pretended to be. Man, I was blind. Maybe I can just go get that "spotless mind" procedure, forget who I was, raise cats for a living or something."

The Glimmer Ray - No carnage, no foul play, no bad karma unleashed. I was silly. Emotional overwhelming moments are just that. Simple. Seriously? On my death bed, will he even make a pass at my "life recap"? Okay well....if I don't die soon?

The Resolution - Far graver things happen daily. Britney is a mother. Darphur, Bush..etc. We all know the answers to the self deep-dive question we ask for validation. Sometimes, you just need someone trust worthy to say what you already know festooned in simplistic terms that make it seem "new" : "You had a moment, moments pass, your grand compilation is not just what comprises it, but the intention and genuine love and passion its made from. That is more than most people even attempt." And I sigh with relief that it really just doesn't matter... At all.

The true lesson here is: Try, Try and fail. Fail and Fail, then stop trying. No. No.No.

I honeslty believe that which is founded in positive intent leads to beauty unfolded (shor-term or long). It may just have nothing to do with the person/place/thing you released it to. So...

Let go. Forgive yourself and be open to the gift of mistakes.

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