Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Endings end too.

There is a power in anticipation. A luster in what lies ahead. We create it with bated breath for gifts exchanging, embracing love and family. An expectation set years before we can muster the sanity to realize it's purity is too hard to hang on to. ( like so many things)

I find myself listless tonight. The tree is off, the lights outside have been unplugged. There is a love-hate emotional tie I have to endings. Endings of any kind. I suppose it makes sense for me specifically, but life can feel like a countless stream of beginnings with foreshadowed closes skipping slowly behind. I look forward though, holding onto the intention of progression and betterment.

Pretenders "2000 miles" plays in my head. I move like in slow motion, shoulders drooping. The beginning of a new year awaits, yet the one I am still heel-stepping out of lingers as something of a loss. Loss of many natures. Friendships, ideas of men I loved, jobs, self-esteem, but with it I have lost the pain that those things latched on too. Instead of : "I think of you wherever you go.." I feel more like "He's gone. 2000 miles. It's very far."

We let free the things that bind us to the old wounds that keep us from the new healing of regarding life as less of a status report, or happy-scale and more of a ever-evolving shape of things. A molding, and unfolding acceptance to the things we are becoming by the things we let go of.

I stop at the final light switch on the final room to put to rest tonight on Christmas. I look to the room in the dark, deep breathe and find relief in knowing....

Endings end too.

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