Thursday, December 13, 2007

Moody Boo. Give up already.

There comes a point where you have to simply commit to not knowing WHY you are in a bad mood. The day started out fine. Shower, good music, a funny voicemail from a friend. It progressed as any work-day would. A co-worker told me a blog post was horrible. I deleted it. My lunch was mediocre and I got bogged down with the minutia of corporate world. I took a few conference calls. I packed up my notebook, nodded good-bye, made a joke. Walked out. (drone-like) It's a tough call. No one likes to admit it.

I think there is a mild misconception that being in a bad mood is weak. It isn't. It just...well, is. Men struggle with this bad mood thing (not that I am pointing fingers or generalizing, but I am.) A man can snip at every word you utter. He can grunt, sigh and sit, silently brewing during a good soft-porn-comedy while eating greasy food with no adverse effects and still say: "I'm NOT in a bad mood." Right.

My denial is a bit more complicated. I find ways to let my mood slip out sideways. Like a musty green-brown cartoon portrayal of sewage waste, it seeps through my pores. I start getting hints when a bubbly song illicits a quick radio station change. I know I'm being difficult when I can't make a simple food choice because everything "sounds processed and full of pig guts" ( Hint #1). Today, I wrote about sex. My favorite. I wrote about describing good sex, and I couldn't make the words link. Worse, I didn't care. ( for me, that's bad. Hint #2)

Then I wrote about my intolerance of other people's sad stories, if they aren't as sad as mine. How can I possibly feel empathy for someone feeling sad about the THOUGHT of losing a parent? You are using "present tense!" That means your father is still alive! (Hint #3)
I ranted about relative survival, pain and loss. I got angry, really angry. Suddenly, I heard a loud ear-drum cracking whistle. I stepped back from my own hot mess and saw three different red flags fall to the field from the referees of my mind. It's unanimous. (Thank God those guys are in there!) They fell in slow motion as if to really drag out the point. A distant whistle lingered and faded out.

What's the point Lulu? Let me tell me: Being in a bad mood is going to happen. We often seek reasons, explanations for these types of temporary emotional "blahs". The problem is sometimes, like today, there is no perfectly packaged source. No block-letter answer sitting on a pedestal to be discovered. "It" is more meshed, and interwoven. Loose and wild. So if seeking the clarity doesn't help the cause, then why keep looking?

If the very existence of my bad mood had me in a double-chicken-wing, bone-crusher- tendon-tight-lock-hold. I silently and FINALLY say:

"Ugh..(sigh)...Mercy. Not sure how we got here, but...I give up." and I move on.
Tomorrow is another day.

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