Sunday, May 11, 2008

Please don't. My inability to receive: A mother's confession and gratitude.

I am the first to admit that accepting ANYTHING is an elusive feat for me. I don't ask for help, I am firm believer of the "I will get to you on my own" instead of the "pick me up at the airport" mode of visits and travel. Worst of all: I LOVE to give gifts, compliments and help, but I cannot receive any of them well.

I don't really wear jewelry. I wear a wedding band,the same stud earrings, and a sport watch. That's it. I think accessories are beautiful, and can make an outfit, I just don't care enough to plan it all out.... on a daily basis. Don't get me wrong, I love beautiful (and even expensive things) but my fashion tastes change by the minute, so who's tellin' what I would like by 3:00. Let alone, tomorrow.

I cringe at the anticipation from the GIVER as I open or accept a gift. I am always worrying that their feelings might get hurt if I don't seem overly pleased. I don't fake anything well. All too many times I have seen a giver wince at the site of my face upon discovering the latest necklace attempt or sweater purchase.

The kicker is that I really DO NOT have any expectations. I have so much, and there are so many who don't. I have a genuine appreciation for a hand-written card, or a "thank you" or the fact that the people in my life haven't run away screaming with the chaos that is Lulu, is enough. More than enough.

I am the farthest thing from ungrateful, it isn't that at all. I am just painfully aware of how impossible I am, therefore it's better to just avoid it. In fact, I feel like it must be some kind of a burden released for all people in my life.

Right now, I can tell you ( and mean it) I don't need a birthday present, I don't want a mother's day gift, I will most likely buy my own Christmas presents, and I appreciate thoughtfulness that is spontaneous and without guilt or some societal need to present something to someone because everyone else is. Humph.

My sister and I were laughing hysterically today considering where the hell it came from. Is it learned? Is it due to an extreme and excessive amount of disappoints that we would rather negate that emotion by hoping no one ever really tries? Or are we deep-down keeping the hope alive because someone, somewhere will nail it on the head?

My closest friends and family have given up completely(with the exception of my mother), and without fail I get the spa-card that says: "Its you, who knows, here goes." or they keep it simple (chocolate,books, cheap cheesy gag gifts..etc). I love the little things. It works. This is me, I am a-typical. I still don't have a wedding album, I didn't have a baby shower,I don't enjoy shopping, and people have made my week with the right words, or something as small as chocolate chip cookie...

I don't have the answers. I admire those women and men who can accept a gift graciously. I truly do. There is something so beautiful in a person who possesses the art of receipt. I am not one of them. I am imperfect...but you already knew that.

Happy Mother's day to my friends, my mother, and to the women in the world that sacrifice, balance, and are profoundly purposeful every day, through example, survival and most importantly; love. It is a sometimes impossible, thankless job that never ends. Thank you....collectively all of you, for being and doing the best you can, today and everyday.

To my mother: I thank you for watching my countless (and horrible) impromptu dance shows, or act-outs. I thank you for always telling me how the world works in the precocious stages. I thank you for the sleepless nights, the lonely years, and most importantly, the gift of life.

Now, go out there and receive with the best of them!!! I will stay here and watch thinking: "phew....Thank God that wasn't me. I hate emeralds."

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