10 ways to send them running! Dating Tips.

So, I was walking past a local book store and saw "1001 ways to be romantic". A friend of mine said to me: "Wow, you could write the antithesis to that." I could have gotten offended, but I didn't. He was right. I can be wildy romantic and thoughtful, but most of the time, I am loathing movies like 27 Dresses, or Made of Honor. I like complex love...so instead of harping on that; I will leave you with some of the wild and wacky things that go through my head.

Its much more entertaining for me to dream of hilarious circumstances under which an awkward, crickets-moment would ensue. You can keep the cake, slow-motion kisses and flying doves.

10 ways to send a first date running:

1. Tell him you drive a grease-vat truck. Run your hands through your hair.

2. Say: "Sowhattayathink?" randomly, during silences.

3. Explain how you can only have sex while holding a fan and singing "Jesus loves me yes he does." into it.

4. Talk in baby talk to all waitstaff, hostesses, and bus boys.

5. Ask if you can hold his hand during the entire meal.

6. Tell him that you don't believe in AC, microwaves, or personal hygiene. The good Lord and baby Jesus made you perfect the way you are.

7. Show up in a headress and Abaya. (Common hot weather garb). Show only your eyes. Tell him: "My father got nervous when he saw how many bangles I put on...thought it was too revealing" (lift and dangle wrists)

8. Pull out a toddler portable potty. Set it down next to your table, and explain nothing. Just give him a double thumbs up.

9. Wear nothing but Celine Dion branded clothes. black t-shirt. Jean skirt with her name on back. Celine Dion hat. Make it count.

10. End every sentence with: "Well, who knows...but I can't wait until we snuggle."

Fine. Don't believe it. I am romantic. Just not right now. Well, not that way. Well, what?